


Heart

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Art by lotrspnfangirl, Bisexual Dean, DCBB 2015, Dead Sam, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge, Destiel - Freeform, Editor Castiel, F/M, Falling In Love, Firefighter Dean, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heart Transplant, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Pining, Romance, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Suicidal Dean, Supernatural Elements, Writer Castiel, alternative universe, ghost au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:12:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 90,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5027977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The heart is a funny thing. Some say it loves, and others say that it is just a muscle, keeping you alive for some minuscule amount of time. For Cas Shurley, the heart was a defective reminder that each day was maybe going to be his last. For years he had been in and out of hospitals.  For years he had viewed time as something trickling down the drain. Then Sam Winchester died. He died, and Cas got to live. And in what universe was that fair? But he accepted the gift, and told himself that he would live. Each beat of Sam’s heart in his chest was an anthem, a siren song beckoning him back to life. </p><p>This new heart though, wanted him to do more than just live. This heart had a story to tell. It would wake him up in the night, and visit him with cold drafts and a sense of purpose that would propel him out of bed. But before he could truly live and act on the demands of his new heart, he would have to get out of the hospital, and he would have to meet the Winchester family. And though he didn’t know it, he would especially have to meet Dean, Sam’s brother. And meeting him would remind him of just how much more there was to life than just the living.</p><p>Written for the 2015 DCBB.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Art by [lotrspnfangirl](http://lotrspnfangirl.tumblr.com/) Thank you so much for the beautiful work that you did for this fic. I honestly can't imagine working with a nicer person.
> 
> Written for [DCBB 2015](http://deancasbigbang.livejournal.com/)
> 
> Beta Read by [lizerd70](http://lizerd70.tumblr.com/) and [elviaszymanski](http://elviaszymanski.tumblr.com/) Thank you both for reading this when it was a "totally" different fic and putting up with me. Your encouragement was everything.
> 
>  
> 
> [Art Masterpost](http://lotrspnfangirl.livejournal.com/73313.html)

* * *

 

Time. Time, measured in seconds, measured in minutes, measured in hours, measured in days, measured in heartbeats. Time, ticking clocks, tapping pens, alarm clocks blaring. Time, time, time. So much time. The sun rose and set. The wind blew through the room with a winter fresh breath. A nurse closed the window. Her steps when counted, numbered five out the door, fifteen out in the hall until they were too far away to hear anymore.

 

He breathes, his heart beats, his eyes open and close. People come and go. They talk to him and ask tedious questions. He answers as best he can. Not so long ago he was dying. Today he is living. Time. How did he get so much time? How did he manage to go from a countdown to this? He settles his hand on his chest and feels the steady drum beat beneath his newly scarred chest. He had to be gentle. Even a light touch still hurt. The drugs were good though. They slowed things down and made the pain a dull pulsing thing.

 

The world spun. His mind spun. His mind spun his life into tapestries and tales called tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. He did not know how to feel about it all, so sometimes he focused on smaller things, the frayed edge of his crisp white sheets, the fingerprint left behind on the metal tray next to his bed, the mylar balloon that was slowly sinking to the floor. Sometimes he just slept, noting the time when he closed his eyes so that he could note it when he woke. He would do the math down to the seconds to determine how long he had let himself close his eyes against a world that was moving and shaping and being.

 

His family came and went at regular intervals. Apparently, they always had someone stationed in the waiting room to make sure that he was being well-taken care of during his recovery. He could feel them before they even entered the room, like he had a sixth sense of them, of their bodies displacing the space in the hall and the room before they arrived. They did not make him talk much; although, the little that they got out of him sometimes felt like too much. He shouldn’t resent them for it, but sometimes he did. Never before had they spent so much time talking. They spent more time not talking, not talking about the inevitable, the tragic, the all too real possibilities.

 

He almost laughed in the third week, when talking was more tolerable. He did not remember what had prompted it, maybe nothing. He remembered the pain of it. He remembered that every time he breathed now. The way his ribs ached with each breath, the way his muscles tightened in anticipation, the way his lungs wanted to cough out a reminder just for thinking that he could have laughter, was enough to keep him from letting himself go like that again.

 

His father sat next to him today, his eyes lined in a way that showed his age. The grey at his temples framed features that had been pinched with concern from as far back as he could remember. Chuck could be happy now, if he let himself. He could maybe even look at Cas without the worry and the fear in his eyes like he had for far too long. Time could heal that, maybe. Then again, Cas was in his mid-twenties and had always been the cause of that worry. A few weeks could not undo the damage of decades. It would take far more time than that.

 

He decided to move away at the earliest possible moment. The thought came to him as the I.V. dripped next to him and one of his siblings sat across the room reading him the most boring novel ever written. He wanted to share his thoughts on the piece, but thought of the alternative, silence  followed by some sort of pained attempt at conversation. No, reading is better. The author was actually providing a narrative description of something that the main character just said. Further descriptions are so unnecessary. _Aarg, he’s reading a sex scene. Living is overrated._  He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep, hoping that this might end the reading from hell.

 

The nights were the worst. All he did was lie in the bed and stare out at the same four walls. His world was small. At night, it felt smaller though. The darkness sinking in on him like a grave. Sometimes he thought that he saw things in it, ghosts of movement that might not really be there, but the mind plays tricks on you. They were still giving him drugs for the recovery and the pain, so it might all be connected to that. Regardless, the nights made him wonder and worry. He tried to force himself into sleep in those hours, but something always pulled him back into the land of the conscious around 3:00 a.m.

 

There was talk of his time at the hospital ending. Plans were being made. He did not contribute much to these discussions. These plans were temporary. When he could, there would be a place, quiet and just distant enough, that he would call home. Maybe he would live in this city, he thought. He sucked in a deep, sharp breath of future freedom, and it did not make him cough like it had before. He was growing stronger. He and his family lived twenty-five miles outside of the city. The world there was so different, silent mostly. There were vast stretches of wide grassy fields under generous canopies of clouds and blue. The sky in that region was often described as big, an apt description, he thought. He would miss it, sometimes, he mused again as he thought of living in the city.

 

Sometimes when the window was open he would hear the sounds of traffic and distant commuter trains. He longed to get lost in the city. Back home there were so few people that one could not get lost. There had been a time when he would not have longed for that, elementary school, maybe. He had been a small child, quick to make friends. He never sat alone at the long lunch tables. When he started middle school, it was no different, until his health started taking a negative turn. At first they didn’t really know what was wrong. Local doctors were more tuned into the usual maladies like a cold or seasonal allergies. Setting a broken leg was the greatest drama most of them had to deal with with any regularity.

 

In time, though, things had gotten worse. He collapsed at school and was rushed to the hospital. Specialists came to him, and he soon learned what it was to have a finite amount of time to live a full life. His family had been a positive, chipper bunch before. Something happened to them that day though that they would never lose. Even now, the impact on them was written plainly on their faces.

 

When he had been released from the hospital, his mother had tried to convince him that he could just stay at home, take it easy. He hadn’t wanted that though. He had already seen what it was going to be, this life, the constant hovering, the always being watched for any sign of decline. He went back to school with a note saying that he should be excused from P.E. He hadn’t realized what that meant at the time. He hadn’t even realized until much later just how much he would miss that one thing once it was gone.

 

He had been rather active before. His parents had encouraged his love of sports. Most importantly, they had encouraged his later love of running. He had been in a kid’s cross country group. It had been fun, and he had made friends. When he returned from the hospital some of them were at his usual lunch table. They had known that he had collapsed, but they did not know anything else. He had decided to keep it from them. When they asked if he was okay, he had said a simple, ‘I’m fine” as though nothing had ever even prompted the question. In time he would offer up even less to their conversations. Eventually, by high school, he was no longer sitting with groups or even engaging in polite conversations.

 

He told himself that the shutting down was necessary. They would not be comfortable having a dying friend. Even now, as he looked back, he could not tell when he went from being a social butterfly surrounded by friends to the most socially awkward loner the world had ever seen, but it had seemed to happen almost overnight after the doctors had handed him his death sentence. His mother would drag him to specialists all across the state, and sometimes beyond. He was placed on a heart transplant list. He passed the time as best he could, hoping that he was not causing his family too much sorrow.

 

At some point he had decided to throw himself completely into academia. His life became just books and studying. It served two purposes, one being that it distracted him from the finite existence that he had in front of him, and two it gave his parents something to focus on that wasn’t his inevitable death. Making school important, kept them from suggesting such things as homeschool and no school. Going to the small, local high school also gave his family a break, a time when he was not in the house casually dying.

 

After one of his many visits to one of his many specialists, he and his mother were driving home in what was becoming a typical silence. She kept shooting glances at him while the miles slipped by. He had done his best to ignore it, until she said, “You know, courage is like a fire. Sometimes it starts out small, but before long, it will be big and it will spread.”

 

He had looked at her like she was crazy and had said, “What are you talking about?”

 

“It wouldn’t hurt to let yourself have a little courage, Cas. All is not lost.” Her words had served to remind him that he needed to put on a stiff upper lip for them, let them see him hammering away at the situation. So that was what he did. He hammered away at living in a great show for them. When he was away from them, he let himself live in the real world, a world of defeat.  _How would it be now? How does one go from one grand extreme to the next?_  He was no longer dying. He was actually going to live a very long life, possibly. Changes would have to be made.

 

“So, are you comfortable with that?” Cas’ father tapped his foot to get his attention, drawing his mind back into the hospital room and the conversation.

 

“I did not hear you.” He focused on his father now. He looked tired, and Cas felt a little guilty about not listening.

 

“They want to meet you, the family.” He rested his hand on Cas’ leg as if to anchor him in the conversation.

 

“What family?” It took so much to focus on them even now. So much talk, talk, talk. He longed for a quiet moment in between all of their long, compound-complex sentences.

 

“The family of the man that provided the donor heart,” his father whispered. Cas turned away from him to look out the window. Meeting them seemed like it might be more awkward than Michael reading him bad fiction complete with sex scenes. He could not think of a way to bow out of the situation gracefully.

 

“They don’t want to meet me. Tell them no.” Cas turned from the window and leveled a stare on his father.

 

“They do want to meet you, and I won’t tell them no. You want to turn them away, do it yourself.” Cas’ father got up, angry. He could not recall a time in his life when his father had ever been angry at him. Now, here he was, a storm of intensity.

 

“Why are you mad?” Cas tried to adjust the bed to a more upright position. He grimaced through a minor touch of pain, but he did not care about that.

 

His father looked at him and seemed to settle into a quiet simmer. “You are maddening, Casl. I mean, you’ve been granted a new lease on life and here you are brooding, like it is a curse. This family wants to meet you, wants to know that their son’s life had meaning. The least you can do is see them, let them see you.”

 

“I’m sorry. I must be quite the disappointment.” He watched his father’s face fall a little. “I don’t think that they will look at me and feel like their son’s death had a point. Death never has a point.”

 

“Don’t make excuses, Cas. Just agree to see them. Suck up your awkwardness for a few minutes out of your now long life for this grieving family.”

 

“You make me sound like a selfish prick.” Cas had never had this sort of conversation with his father before. It was odd to use such language.

 

“Well, right now you are. The doctor is going to come in later today to ask for your consent. You need to tell him that it is okay for them to come see you. Help them grieve, Cas. They deserve at least that much. I know what it would have been like for me if I had been in their position.”

 

Cas thought about it and realized some things, “You’ve had to imagine that position a bit, huh?”

 

“Yes, and thankfully, it will not be a reality. I don’t think that there can be anything worse than losing your child.” He got up then and moved to the head of Cas’ bed. He leaned down and placed a quick kiss on his forehead. “I’m glad that I don’t have to imagine it anymore. Tell them they can see you.”

  
He walked out of the room after getting a nod of confirmation from Cas. He did not want to disappoint him. He knew that he hadn’t earned that sort of treatment.


	2. Chapter 2

It was night, a slow drip of hours in which he should be sleeping. He had slept some, but now it was 3:00 am and sleep was done with him. He adjusted his bed and considered watching T.V., but nothing would likely be on at this hour. He could hear the nurses in the hall, making their rounds. He glanced at the tray beside his bed and thought about reading from the book that was sitting there. Michael had brought a whole collection for him.  _Not that desperate yet._  He let his eyes wander to the window. He was on the 18th floor, so he couldn't see much from his bed beyond the sky and the other tall buildings across the street.

He chose to focus on the sky, so different from the sky back home. There it was big with clouds and so deep blue, that you could lose yourself in the daydreams that it would inspire. At night it was so full of stars that surely there were constellations there that no one had discovered yet. Here was different. Here the sky in the day was viewed in swatches between grey skyscrapers. Here the night sky was washed out in streetlight hues of orange and sickly yellow. He liked that it was different, like a future that might hold so much that was unexpected.

He felt cold. It was becoming a common thing. He would wake up shivering. He wondered if it was a byproduct of the surgery. Maybe his heart donor had been a cold person. He did not have a way of knowing. He would in the morning though. They would arrive en masse. There would be a mother, father, brother, girlfriend, and maybe an aunt and uncle. He got names that he opted not to retain. He knew the donor's name, Sam, Sam Winchester.

He opened his mouth and blew out a noticeable puff of air. It was really cold. It wasn't just him. There was movement at the foot of his bed. He blinked and adjusted the bed more. He reached over to the tray and found his glasses. He did not need them for most things, but he had his father bring them anyway. He slipped them on and stared at the far wall, the area that had seemed to be occupied. Nothing moved. The room seemed to be empty. The mylar balloon seemed to twist a little on a breeze that shouldn't be there. He pushed the call button.

A nurse came into the room a few moments later. "How you doing Mr. Shurley?" They were all kind in their own ways. This nurse was particularly kind. Missouri felt real, unlike so many people that Cas had encountered. She did not bluster or put on a show. She scooped up his wrist into her hand and looked down into his face.

"It's cold, right?" He couldn't just ask for help adjusting the thermostat. He had to get confirmation of the temperature.

"You feel cold. Seems a little chilly, I guess." She let his wrist go, and she walked to the far wall where the thermostat was. "Says it is 70 degrees."

"So, I'm crazy, huh?"

"No, you felt cold. How 'bout I get you an extra blanket? Then you can just toss it off if you get too hot." She walked over to the closet and rummaged around for the extra blanket that was in there. She brought it over and laid it on him. "Better?"

"Yes, thanks Missouri."

"No problem, sugar. Just buzz if you need anything else." She started to leave and then turned back to him. "Big day tomorrow huh?" He had heard his father discussing the situation with her the other day.

"Big day today, technically."

She gave him a wink and said, "Try to get some sleep. It won't be so bad meeting them. Plus, the awkwardness will pass quickly enough. When my boy died 'bout nine years ago, wasn't much left to donate, but somehow the doctors managed to save his kidneys. They went to this sweet girl out in California. Got to meet her and her family. It helped some. You're doing a good thing meeting them."

"Thanks Missouri." She left, and he fell back into his thoughts. He stared out the window at the sky, with its washed out stars and noticed that the window was fogging up with condensation. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander more. Sleep eventually came to him, but it was a troubled sleep filled with dreams of fire and thick black smoke that filled his lungs.

When he woke up again, he felt like he was choking. He was surprised that the room was not on fire. He was also surprised that there was daylight coming through the window. His doctor showed up not long after he woke up just to check in. According to him, he was fine enough to entertain the extra visitors that would be making their way to the hospital that day. Secretly he had hoped for a different verdict. They would be arriving soon, and he did not feel ready for it one bit.

The tray next to his bed was a mess of random things. There was a wadded up napkin from breakfast that had somehow fallen off of his breakfast plate, the stack of likely all very bad books, and a mountain of spare change. The various family members had been leaving change behind with each visit in case anyone needed to get a soda from down the hall. Cas was sure that they could feed in dollar bills just fine, but that they were all just patently trying to irritate him while getting rid of all of their annoying coins.

He began stacking them into neatly ordered columns. The quarters were grouped together as were the others. He thought about how likely it was that the tray would be bumped by someone. The coins would fall. He sighed out a breath of frustration. His world was disorganized and any attempt to bring order to it now ended in more stress for him. He could feel the air outside of his room as it was displaced by bodies. Voices and footsteps echoing toward his room. He knew that they were coming to him, because he had grown accustomed to the others. These were new, and he braced himself for their presence. His doctor entered first with an older woman that was strikingly beautiful. Cas consciously moved his lips into a smile.

"Hello, Mr. Shurley. This is Mary Winchester, Sam's mother." They approached his bed. She smiled.

"Hello Mrs. Winchester." He lifted his hand to her in an effort to shake. His hand looked weak. She took it anyway.

"Please, call me Mary."

"Then you'll have to call me Cas." The doctor moved a chair over for her, and she sat. "I thought that there would be more." He looked past her, trying to find the rest of her family.

"I'm afraid that I needed to limit your visitors. You will get to see them one at a time. If you become too fatigued though, we will need to end this early." The doctor rested a hand on Cas' shoulder, giving it a knowing squeeze before he left. The change to the visit was a mercy move, and Cas was grateful. The doctor left and Cas focused his attention on Mary.

"How are you feeling?" Mary asked him as she reached out for his hand again. He let her hold it.

"They say that I am recovering well. The heart is strong." He wanted to acknowledge the sacrifice. He didn't know what to say though. "Thank you, for letting me have this. I had made my peace with dying. I never expected to have time."

"It would have pleased Sam to know that he had managed to save someone even after he had died. He was a good man." She looked like she was fighting hard to keep herself from tears.

"Would you mind telling me about him? I mean, if you don't think that I am invading your privacy by asking." He hoped that talking would make her feel better. He also knew that his skill set involved listening. The less he said the better, actually. He did not want to risk taking them both down a road of social awkwardness.

She smiled again and told him a story about Sam as a child. He laughed at the appropriate times, and she seemed to be happy with the story. She ended by asking, "Do you live in the city?"

"No, but I like the idea of living here." He glanced at the window.

"Where do you live?"

"Over in West Carrolton. I moved home after college. My health issues would not permit me to live on my own."

"So, you live with your parents?"

"For now. I look forward to giving my mom back her craft room." He laughed a little, but not too much. He didn't want to start coughing. "She didn't really have a craft room, but I always thought that she should. My room has a nice view of the garden. She would likely enjoy looking out the window while working in there."

"She'd probably rather have you there." She smiled back. "I should let the rest of my people meet you." Before she left, she leaned down and kissed his forehead. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"It was fine."

"If you ever need anything or even if you don't, I…" She set a slip of paper on the tray. "This is my number. I just would love to know from time to time that you are okay." She shifted about for a moment.

"I'd be happy to keep in touch." She seemed relieved by his words. She slowly moved out the door.

"Thank you, Cas." She ducked around the corner. Cas took a deep breath despite the pain that accompanied it.

A man rounded the corner next, a tall man with a wild mess of facial hair. His eyes were stoic. He moved slowly toward the center of the room, as though he did not want to be there. "Hello." Cas nodded, waiting for the man to speak.

He rested his hands on the back of the chair that Mary had occupied just moments before. "I'm John."

"Sam's father?"

"Yes."  _This was going to be a fun conversation._

"Your wife is a lovely woman. I enjoyed her stories."

"This is awkward. I'm sorry about that." He gripped the chair tighter.

"It could have been worse," Cas offered.

"Really? How so?"

"Well, you all were going to visit me at once. Then we would have had a whole crowd of people with nothing to say." He tried to keep his tone light, but he realized that what he had said was likely rude. "Sorry."

"Don't be. It's true. I mean how do you meet someone that is carrying around your son's heart in his chest?" He loosened his grip on the chair a little. "So what story did my wife tell you?"

"It was about his first day in kindergarten. He really liked hamsters." Cas smiled.

"Not as much as he liked dogs. I should have let him have one. I always had some reason to say no to him." He looked off at the window.

"My parents were wholly against pet ownership until I got sick. Suddenly, we had a cat, a guinea pig, and several tropical fish. The fish did not work out so well. Turned out that one of them was a cannibal."

"No dog though?"

"Nah. The guinea pig and the cat were more our speed."

"You drive?"

The question seemed to come out of left field. Cas answered, "Yes, well not at the moment."

"If you ever need car repairs or like an oil change or something. Bobby and I have a shop. Dean helps out there too on his days off from the firehouse. He'll come in next." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He shuffled through it, pulling out a greasy card. He set it on the tray.

"Thanks." John moved off toward the door, slipping out as quietly as he entered.

He was expecting the Dean guy and instead he ended up with a couple. "Hi. I'm Ellen and this is Bobby. They said if we were quick that we could come in together."

"Oh. Nice to meet you both. John said that someone named Dean was coming in next."

"Oh, Dean is having a hard time with this. We're giving him a bit more time by visiting with you next."

"He doesn't have to do this. I won't be offended." Cas shifted up a little so that he was sitting more on the slightly inclined bed.

Ellen moved closer, resting her hand on his arm just above the I.V. lines. "It's gonna be hard for him, but he should do it. Dean's gonna need some closure. He and Sam were closer than any two siblings could be. It was almost like they had that odd twin thing going on, ya know, where they speak their own language."

Bobby cupped her elbow and leaned into her shoulder. He peered down at Cas. He reminded Cas of John in a way, his face seemingly hardened from working outdoors. "Surprised all of us when Sam didn't follow Dean into the life of a firefighter. Always seemed like those two were rather inseparable."

"I have some siblings as well. I do not have the same bond with them though." He caught a look that seemed to flash across Bobby's face, then Ellen's, and he added, "I love them, but we have very different outlooks on life." He cast a glance at the tray with Michael's books. "And literature. Michael seems hell bent on reading me the worst possible stories. I sometimes think that this is all an elaborate means by which he will encourage my immediate and total recovery. It may be working."

Ellen laughed first, turning to Bobby. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you and your brother might have more in common with Dean and Sam than you realize." Bobby laughed at that too. Ellen looked down at the tray at her side. "Looks like the whole family has taken to leaving you some calling cards."

"Well, I guess they want me to keep in touch or something." Cas smiled at her.

"Sounds like us." Bobby moved his hand up to Ellen's shoulder and said, "Ellen here doesn't have a fancy business card, but she does have an awesome diner over on Jefferson, couple of blocks away." He stopped and took in the room and its equipment. "Uh, maybe I shouldn't recommend diner food to you in your present condition." He leaned past Ellen then and whispered, "But seriously, it is damn good food."

"Stop in and see us there sometime. The first meal will be on the house. I'll try to throw together some heart healthy food."

"Pancakes?" He raised an eyebrow with the question. He'd had enough heart healthy food over the years, and quite frankly he was over it.

"I might be able to accommodate you there." She smiled at the request. "Make a mean burger too, if you ever have a hankering for one."

"You really had me at diner food. It has been too long, and man shall not live by I.V. drip alone."

"They ain't feeding you?" Bobby sounded concerned.

"I don't call what they bring to me food. It is merely a means to an end." Cas waved an arm at the door as if to show what he thought of it all.

The doctor poked his head back in the room. "Well, I think that we need to give Mr. Shurley here a little rest." Bobby and Ellen looked back over their shoulders at him.

"Dean coming in?" Bobby asked.

"You are the last visitors." The doctor came in a bit more and Bobby and Ellen moved away from the bed.

"Glad to have met you kid. Take good care of that heart." Bobby was already nearly out the door.

"I will." Cas gave a little wave with the words.

Ellen added before she left the room, "And we really do mean it, Cas. Do stop by the diner. It'll be good seeing you all well."

"I will. Looking forward to it actually." He gave her a little wave too, and then they were all gone. He let out a sigh of relief. It had gone well, and he was tired. He glanced at the tray with the little Winchester contacts set too close to the edge. He reached over and dragged them closer to the carefully stacked coins in the center of the tray. The doctor left. He closed his eyes and somehow managed to fall asleep.

He was not sure how long he had slept for, but he certainly dreamed. He saw a large old brick building that seemed somewhat familiar. He thought that it was like one that he had seen downtown once when his family had come through for some medical appointment or another. He walked through it in the dream, taking in the high windows, and spotlessly clean countertops, desks, and marbled floors. Everything seemed to reflect back at him. He paused in mid step around a corner and caught one of those reflections in a large glass doorway. The face in it was not his own. The hair was longer than his own and lighter, like sand after a wave has darkened it. He reached out to the reflection and it turned away. It seemed to be directing him. He walked down the hall until he came to a door labeled Samuel Winchester. He pushed past the door and saw that the room was charred beyond what it should have been given the pristine nature of things on the other side of the door.

A voice at his side spoke. "This is what happens when you know too much. Try not to look too hard."

Cas turned to the voice, but no one was there. "What happened here?"

"I died."

"Why?" Cas kept turning, trying to see the speaker.

The voice did not answer, because Cas woke up. The room had a blindingly bright swatch of light pouring in from his window. The light fell right across his face. He tried to squint through it to see the room. Someone was there with him. "Uh, hello." Cas spoke out to the shape that was not really a person yet. He readjusted the bed so that his face was not in the blinding light anymore. The person in front of him shifted about in the chair at his side.

"Hello." The tone was low like the piano keys that hardly ever get played. His eyes adjusted and he could now see what was sitting in front of him.  _I've died._ He thought this as he took in the features of the man sitting close to his bed.  _An angel has come to take me to the great beyond._ It was a fair assessment as the sun came through the window practically setting a glow all around his visitor.

"Am I dead?" When he was tired or just waking up, sometimes Cas' mouth would just open and words would come tumbling out. He hated the lack of control that he had in those moments, but never had been able to solve for them.

A slight puff of air came out of the man and it sounded like it could have been a laugh if he would have allowed for it to last. He didn't though. "No. You're alive."

Cas waited for him to tell him who he was. He wondered if he should recognize him. His hair was light brown, not like straw, but more like some of his favorite leaves in late autumn. His eyes were green, but the way the light was he couldn't be sure if there was a little of another color muddying the green. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"I'm Dean Winchester. Sorry about the creepy wake up. I was told not to disturb your sleep."

"So you just hung around while I snored away?" Cas felt a little awkward.

"Figured I'd just wait here. If you slept much longer, I was going to leave." He ran a hand back through his hair and then returned it to his lap. "God, this is weird."

"A little. Your family was nice." Cas folded his hands together in his lap.

"Yeah, I've been blessed." He looked away and added, "and cursed."

"I'm sorry." Cas knew that this was one of those moments where you say something sympathetic thus bridging the gap to other more comfortable conversations. "Ellen said that you were quite close, almost like twins."

Dean let out another little huff of a laugh. "If by twins she meant that we were almost complete opposites and that he was a goddamn nuisance."

"Don't think that she meant that." Cas smiled in what he hoped was a look of encouragement. "How was he a nuisance? I have a brother that I would categorize in the same way, so it is a comfort to hear other's tales from the sibling battlefield."

"He and I had what one would call a not so healthy sibling rivalry that often ended in us pulling some of the worst pranks imaginable on each other."

"What was your best prank?"

"I put Nair in his shampoo bottle. It didn't take out all of his hair, but it made him patchy. Best part was that it made him get a haircut." Dean smiled at the memory.

"I once swapped out the cream in the middle of Michael's eclair. Took my time removing it so that it would look undamaged, then I filled it back up with mayo. He nearly threw up. He would have killed me if it weren't for the fact that I was already dying and everyone was supposed to be like extra nice to me all of the time, no matter what." Cas remembered the look on Michael's face. It had taken all of his willpower to keep from reacting. He should have felt guilty about it, but he didn't. Michael kind of deserved it.

"He ever get you back?" Dean moved closer to the bed. The chair made a scraping noise as he dragged it with him.

"Yeah, it was bad." Cas looked away, not sure if he wanted to share.

"Well, now you gotta share." Dean's hand rested on the tray next to his bed, drumming out a little tune with his fingers.

"Hmm, so, don't judge, okay?" Dean nodded his assent and Cas continued, "So, Michael loaded up my laptop with tons of gay porn. Like, so much porn." Cas laughed at the memory. "I think that he thought that I would react or something, like throw a little hissy fit at him over all of it. I didn't react to it the way that he wanted though. In fact, he came to me and said, 'see any good videos lately?' all sly like he was some kind of comedian or something. I just said, as casual as the day is long, 'yeah, thanks for that, saved me the trouble of having to go out and find it on my own.'"

"What'd he do?"

"Oh, he threw out some comment like, 'you did look at them right?' I told him that I did and he added, 'you noticed that it was all gay right?' And I just told him that I was rather indifferent to sexual orientation." Cas watched Dean's face for a reaction. Seeing no faltering look he continued. "I would have counted it a victory if he hadn't gone off to tell my parents that I was gay. I'm not much for airing my private life, so that weekend was not on my top ten list of fun times."

"They make a big deal about it?" Dean reached up and scrubbed at his chin a little.

"Only in that they kind of tried not to make it a big deal. They just kept making comments about acceptance and such. We usually have a family movie night, and they decided that we would watch  _Brokeback Mountain_ together. Do you know what is more awkward than that? Nothing, is the short answer. No one should ever have to watch movies containing sex alongside their parents." Cas shuddered a bit with the memory.

"Sounds like hell." Dean's drumming slowed a bit. "Ya know, I almost didn't come by."

"Understandable." Cas wanted to say more, encourage him to talk, but he already felt like he was talking too much. He usually didn't have so much trouble with keeping quiet. He kind of felt that brevity was a virtue, but somehow, with Dean he kept opening his mouth and words kept spilling out.

"I thought that it would be awkward." He shifted about in his seat, his foot tapping away in front of him now.

"I was plenty worried myself. Told my dad that I didn't want to meet you all. He guilted me into it." He worried for a moment that the admission would sound rude. He added, "I'm glad he did. Your family was nice. You seem nice too. I'm sorry that we met under these circumstances."

"I think you would have liked Sam." Dean got up abruptly.

"You leaving?" Cas cocked his head to the side. He realized too late that he sounded sad. He didn't want Dean to stay out of pity and worried that his tone would accomplish that.

"Oh, uh, I don't want to overstay my welcome."

"You aren't. I understand though, if you have things to do. I didn't mean to sound pathetic there."

Dean sat back down and folded his hands in front of him. "I think that I just made things awkward, and now that I sat back down I think that it is going to get worse."

"LIkely. That's what you get for trying to end the conversation so abruptly." Cas laughed a little and Dean joined him.

"So, what do you do when you aren't laying around in a hospital?"

"I edit books for my family's publishing company, mostly. I used to just go to my college classes and hang around aimlessly at home. I am not an exciting person." He suddenly felt rather self-conscious like just staying alive wasn't exciting enough. "What about you? What do you do?"

"I'm a firefighter most days and on other days, I help out my dad and uncle Bobby at the salvage yard. I am also not a very exciting person." Dean ducked his head a little sheepishly.

"You're going to have a hard time convincing me of that. Fighting fires sounds way more exciting than reading books." He suddenly felt rather self-conscious again. He caught a little reflection of himself in the tray next to his bed and he did not like what he was seeing. His hair was a wild mess of brown all around his head. His eyes looked like they were lined with the dark evidence of his lack of sleep.

"It's a good gig most days. You know, saving people and stuff. Sometimes it's not." He didn't explain and somehow, Cas knew that it would not be okay to ask for more.

The doctor poked his head in around the door and then came to his side. "You've had a lot of company today Mr. Shurley."

"Call me popular."  _I need to work on the charming one-liners._

"Visiting hours are about up." The doctor gave a sidelong glance at Dean. "You think you can wrap up the visit in say fifteen minutes?"

Dean looked at his watch and got up. "I think I can." He leaned against the footboard of the bed.

The doctor headed back out the door. "I'll come back and check up on you in fifteen."

"I guess that's my cue to go." Dean stretched up a bit and his shirt inched up a little with the move. Cas absolutely did not notice it.

"I guess so. It was nice meeting you." He became quiet a little. "I suppose I'll run into you sometime at Ellen's. She offered to serve me something heart healthy."

A look crossed Dean's face, then he said, "Screw that. You should get a burger. Her cook, Ash makes up a mean burger." He took a tentative step back and opened his mouth, seeming to consider saying something more before closing his mouth again.

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too." Dean walked to the door and then leaned into the doorway, looking back in. "Would it be weird if I came back?"

"Not a bit. I might be out of here in a couple of weeks, so come get your dose of awkward before I leave." He smiled and did his best not to run his hand up through his hair.  _No sense in making it messier._

"I'd like that."

"Me too." Cas gave him a tiny wave, and Dean left. He reached over to the tray and straightened out the coin stacks a little more. Looking at the time, he thought that it was too bad that there weren't longer visiting hours or ways to occupy one's time once that time came to an end.

He closed his eyes, just for a moment and concentrated on the room, the clicking of a distant pen, the whir of a machine, and the chill that brushed past his cheek when the air conditioner likely came on. Time was funny like that, in the way that now that he had so much of it, he could take the time to notice the little things. He opened his eyes and stared at the doorway that seemed rather empty now, a gaping maw eating up the world. He would ask to go outside tomorrow, and hope that someone with a little power would go along with the plan. The world was a big place, and he was ready to see it again maybe like it was the first time.


	3. Chapter 3

Days passed in rapid succession. He was taken off of so many of the drips and machines. He was eating meals and drinking, mostly water. His time at the hospital was going to come to an end. His father was sitting by the window staring out at the city. They were comfortable with each other like that. They didn't have to talk. Usually, it was enough to just occupy the same space. They did talk a little at first. Cas glanced at the tray by his bed and noted that the coin stacks were getting way too tall. The books behind them needed to be dealt with too. He had tried to convince his father of the need to take them upon his departure. "Really, just take the top one," he practically pleaded.

"Why don't you just tell Michael what you think of it?" His dad smirked as he said it.

"You know damn well why. He's dating the author. I mean that is totally what's happening. And you totally published his girlfriend. You should have said no." Cas picked up the book and looked at the picture of the author in the back. She was good looking, he'd give Michael that, but come on.

"Well, I did think about a flat out refusal, but sometimes it is just best to let your kids make their own mistakes without much interference." Cas watched his father smiling away as he looked out the window. He knew that his father was talking about more than just Michael. "Your mom will be here soon. She's been working on your room. Try not to upset her."

"Do I usually upset her?" If his father had an answer for him, it was waylaid by the appearance of his mother in the doorway.

"Hey fellas." She came in carrying a soda in one hand and seventy-five cents worth of quarters to toss onto the tray. She settled into the chair at the foot of Cas' bed and cracked open the soda can with a loud pop. "Did you want a soda, Chuck?" She leaned her blonde head back over the chair and asked.

Cas' father got up and settled a kiss on her head and said, "Nope, but I do think that I'll stretch my legs for a bit." He strolled out the door and Cas was left alone with his mom. She was a pleasant type of personality. She never seemed able to walk into a room without leaving with more friends than she had upon first entering. He often wondered how he managed to get passed over for such a thing. He reached over to the tray and scooped up her three coins, adding them to the piles.

"So, I have been hard at work getting your room all ready for you. Your dad and I are going to head home early today to get it all finished up." She smiled at him, resting the soda on her jean clad knee.

"I hope you aren't doing too much, mom. I told you that it was just temporary." He tried not to sound ungrateful. He loved them, he really did. He just wanted to finally feel like he could be more than just their sick son.

"Well, I don't know how temporary it can be, Cas. I mean you still have plenty of recovery that you need to do, and I am looking forward to helping you through it."  _She would too_ , he thought. She would wind herself around him with so much affection that he would likely suffocate. He loved her, he really did, he thought again.

"Did you bring the apartment magazines I asked for?" It was maybe cruel to ask her now, but he was having trouble lately with his self-control where his parents were concerned. He thought that maybe it was coming from too much time together. She looked disappointed, so Cas looked out the door, like he was hoping someone would show up in that space and save him.

"No, I forgot." He knew she would. "You expecting company?" She drew his attention back from the door.

"No, I just thought that I saw Dr. Freeman. I was going to ask about going outside later. He's been encouraging it."

"Oh, I could get a wheelchair and take you out." She got up before he could even reply.

She was already out the door, and he was just stumped with how to escape her plans. He had hoped to just do it on his own, but this would have to do. He watched the door for her return and when she showed up, he sucked in a big lungful of air and proceeded to adjust his position so that he could go with her. It took a fair amount of effort to get into a wheelchair without revealing his naked backside to the world. The hospital gown was not the most attractive piece of clothing ever invented. He had his mom get his sweatpants out of the cabinet, and, with a little help, he managed to get them on. She stepped back from him and smiled at the accomplishment. "Guess I'm ready."

She took a hold of the handles and pushed him swiftly out the door. She walked almost like she wanted to rush from the building and never come back. She twisted his chair around in the elevator and he faced the doors as they closed. The face that looked back at him in in the metal doors was starting to look better. He had run a comb through his hair that morning, so it was not too wild. His face was starting to fill back out, now that he was eating again. They got outside and the rush of semi-warm air was a welcome addition to the joy that he felt just seeing something that wasn't his room. He reached back a hand and settled it on his mom's. She squeezed his back and leaned down to kiss his head. "I love you, Cas."

"Love you too, mom." She pushed him over to a bench that was off to the side of the entrance. A man was smoking there, so she turned around and headed in the other direction. That was when Cas saw a familiar face. Dean was on the other side near another bench. He was pacing. Cas hadn't seen him since the one and only visit that was now nearly two weeks into his past. At first he had thought that he would come by to visit again, but as the days passed he decided that Dean had likely found the situation too awkward. He couldn't blame him, and despite his disappointment, he didn't think any less of him. "Dean?" He gave the name a hint of a question and tapped his mom's hand. "Wheel me over there."

"Oh, hey Cas. I was just going to head up for a visit." Dean wrung his hands in front of him.

"Looked like you were wearing a hole into the ground with all of your pacing." He grinned at him, hoping to settle the mood. He nodded back over his shoulder. "Dean Winchester, this is my mom, Becky Shurley." His mom reached past him and Dean shook her hand.

"You're the brother," she said. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you Mrs. Shurley." Dean released her hand and took a seat on the bench. His mom sat beside him. It became rather quiet and Cas thought, maybe awkward.

"So, have you been pacing long?" Cas smiled at him while moving back and forth with his wheelchair in front of him.

"Maybe." Dean looked off at the parking lot and fell silent for a moment. The morning air had a crisp bite to it. Dean wore a heavy black leather jacket over a plaid blue, black, and white shirt, beneath which was a third layer, a black tee-shirt.  _He'd be roasting by mid-afternoon_ , Cas thought. He also wondered if Dean would remove the layers slowly and with malice aforethought. Dean interrupted his thoughts with a question. "So, you getting out of this place soon?"

His mom jumped in to answer. "His father and I will be springing him in a couple of days. Been getting his old room all ready for him too." She was still giddy with the prospect of having him home, despite the many ways that he had managed to crush her hopes.

"Mom's pretty happy about the situation. Michael moved out ages ago, and she has been left with only my dad to dote on. I will provide sufficient doting opportunities for her if I'm not careful." He was playing with the wheels on his chair now, trying to suss out just how to pop a tiny wheelie and maybe hold it.

"Well, congratulations on your fast approaching freedom." He looked from Becky to Cas and added, "So, I thought that you were maybe looking for a place in the city. I think that you mentioned moving here the last time that we talked. You changed your mind?"

Cas could see his mother's features flicker a little with the topic. "I'm still hoping to move. I'm in my mid-twenties and probably should not keep living with my parents." He reached over and gave his mom a pat on her knee. "You know I love you, mom."

"I know." She rested her hand on top of his for a moment, then he removed it and went back to his wheelie efforts. It was a challenge now.  _Clearly been cooped up in that room for too long if this passes for entertainment._

Dean reached back into his back pocket then, shifting oddly in the seat. He pulled out a rolled up housing magazine, the type you find in the grocery store near the exits. "Here. I picked this up the other day for you. Thought that it might be helpful. Figured you wouldn't be able to get one too easy in here." He waved back at the hospital.

Cas took the magazine and flipped through it. There were a few dog eared pages in the center. He turned to those pages and noted the highlighted portions. "Did you do the highlighting?"

Dean was watching his hands and not his face. "I may have taken the liberty of noting some of the better options within the magazine." Dean cast a glance at Becky who just smiled back. He finally looked up at Cas' face and added, "The one on page ten is in my building. It's also near Ellen's diner. It's a good place, the apartment. Not super expensive either. It also has the added benefit of being close to a lot of things. Might be worth checking out."

Cas wasn't sure if he was just reading into it, but he thought that there was an interesting tone to Dean's voice, hopeful maybe. His mother reached out and plucked the magazine from Cas' hands. She flipped through the pages and glanced down at what he assumed was page ten. She smiled over at Dean, and Cas knew that smile, the one that twitched into existence. "Well, that was really nice of you, Dean. I'll just tuck that away for Cas to read once we get him home." She patted the wheelchair and added with a glance at Cas, "You don't have any place to stow this on that thing. Don't worry, I'll keep it safe."

Cas knew what was happening, and he was sure that she understood too. She rolled the magazine up and tucked it into her purse. It was too big though to fit all the way and stuck out at the top. "Well, uh, Mrs. Shurley, Cas, I guess I should be going." Dean started to get up. Clearly, his life was doomed to be lived one awkward moment to the next. So, he decided to, for lack of a better term, roll with it. He reached out as swiftly as possible, and had his mother expected it, it would not have been swift enough. He grabbed the magazine out of her purse, tucked it into the seat with him, and gripping the wheels shot himself away down the sidewalk.

It would have been an immensely proud moment if he had not felt the need to turn around. Part of him had hoped that Dean was a telepath picking up on his subtle, silent cry of run like the wind. Alas, he did turn around at the end of the sidewalk. His mom and Dean were just sitting on the bench watching him as he gulped in big lungfuls of air. It hurt a little and he was sure that he was not supposed to exert himself so much yet. He raised his hands in exasperation. He wasn't sure if he would be able to get enough volume in his voice to reasonably get Dean to come to him, but he damn well was going to try. "Dean Winchester, come!"

Dean got up and seemed to give his mom a shrug as he left her alone on the bench. He walked. Correction, he sauntered, or better yet, walked so slowly that it was maddening. His legs even seemed to bow out as if they too wanted to relax into a crawl. Dean got to him and said, "So, you gonna teach me to fetch next?" He smirked.

"Sorry. It took a lot of effort to get this far. Talking was the final straw." Cas looked up at him with the sun at his back and thought that he looked like something unreal, like maybe an angel or something with the way that the light seemed to frame his hair in a golden halo.

Dean crouched down, looking concerned. "You okay? I could wheel you back."

"Don't you dare. I was running away or wheeling away. Then you just kept sitting there. You were supposed to follow me. Instead you seemed content to just sit with my mom. You are literally one minute from her opening up about all of life."

"Sorry, that I didn't get the memo on following you." Dean cast a glance back at Cas' mom and gave her a little wave as if to say, 'all is well.'

"So, here's the memo. I'm running away. Are you in or out, Dean?" He smiled at Dean and hoped that the look he was fashioning for him was convincing.

"This hardly seems like the adult response to a disagreement." Dean looked back at Becky again and then turned back to Cas. "Where do you plan to go?"

Cas felt like his face was going to crack from all of his smiling. He was feeling pretty confident that he had just won. "Anywhere." He waved his hand out at the world around him. "I am not going back to those four walls until I have grown good and tired outside. I might even find a diner and get a burger. I don't know. I am just not going back until I absolutely must."

Dean said, "Well, you can count me in. Wait here." Dean turned and took a couple of steps away from Cas.

"Where are you going?"

Dean turned back, but kept walking backwards toward Cas' mom. "You're too old to run away from home, so I'm going to go tell your mom the plan. I'll be right back."

He did his best to dial down the irritation which likely covered every square inch of his face. He knew it was immature, but he had been spending too much time under their watchful eyes. He had spent too much time feeling like he was not his own person, and now he felt like he was about to snap. Dean got to the bench and although he couldn't hear their conversation, he could see the results of it in his mom's posture. She stood up and propped her hand on her hip as she looked past Dean to him. He watched her shift from one foot to the other, hips swaying with the movement in a kind of exasperated dance. Dean took her hand at the end and she rested a second on top of his. She seemed to soften in that moment. He let her go and walked back to Cas. Becky turned from them and walked back to the hospital.

When Dean stood in front of him, Cas did his best to give him his most irritated squint. "So, ya have fun talking with my mom?"

"She's a nice, protective lady. I ladled on the charm and got you an hour of freedom."

"You should have been more charming. I could have more than an hour just by rolling on out of here with only my will power to guide me." He turned the chair to the sidewalk ramp and rolled toward it. He felt Dean take over, and he brought his hands up to his lap.

"An hour will be plenty. I'm not sure that you are pleasant enough to get any more of my time." Cas tipped his head back and looked at Dean, grinning away.

"I am plenty pleasant." Dean walked with him at a nice clip out of the parking lot and down the road. There was a small building on the corner that boasted the best burgers in town via a red and gold sign.

Dean angled him toward the door and Then reached past him to hold it open while Cas wheeled himself in. Dean leaned down to his ear. "Just so you know, this won't be a better burger than Ellen's. It'll likely be good enough though after the hospital food you've been getting."

"I'll make sure to get one from her place too in order to make the comparison." They worked their way over to the counter seating. Cas got up out of the wheelchair, and Dean pushed it out of the way into a corner.

The time passed, and Cas found himself counting out seconds with the steady drip of the condensation on his shiny metal milkshake cup. He felt it passing too quickly and wanted to slow it down like he could when he was on the drip back at the hospital. With the press of a button the drugs would drop into his system and suddenly time was his. This was a different kind of drug, talking with Dean. It was the kind that sped things up and made him speak in nonsensical phrases. He worried that he sounded like a fool. He was out of practice with the whole talking thing.

 _It had been too long_ , he thought as he chewed on the second bite of his burger. He had spent all of his time in books, and had forgotten what real people were like. True he had maintained something like a social life with his parents and siblings, but that hardly was the same as making strangers like you. Family sort of had a moral obligation to put up with nonsensical phrases and bullshit like that.

He thought about the way that it had been before, when he would sit at the long lunch tables in grade school, how easy it had been. He thought that if he just channeled some of that, maybe it would all be okay. Then he thought about the later years, the little bite sized bits of communication that had failed so utterly.

When he was in high school, he had a note from the doctor excusing him from all forms of physical activity. For a time, the powers that be did not think that it was going to be permanent, perhaps because his family had so much hope. Who knows now. Regardless, they kept him enrolled in the P.E. class, but he wasn't allowed to participate in the activities. It bugged the teacher to no end. Inevitably he assigned Cas a few essays in which he was supposed to espouse the various wonders of some form of physical activity.

Having been relegated to the bleachers while everyone else engaged, he would write epic paragraphs on the many joys of running. He described the rush of adrenaline one felt after the first lap, the bite of pain that pinched his lungs with each breath, the way that the pounding feet on the track were a type of music. It was likely that the teacher never read a word of it. It was beyond his credential anyway, and in the end, Cas didn't mind so much. It was a type of therapy, a way of dealing with wanting something back that he didn't appreciate enough when he had it.

While he sat in the stands he also watched the steady rise and fall of the bodies in a type of unison as they looped around the track. It was a great sadness to him that at some point late in the year he was removed from P.E. and placed in a woodshop class. It felt like maybe the rest of the world was giving up as much as he had.

On his first day in woodshop, one of his classmates had told him that he was so lucky to get out of running the mile. He would usually nod and go along with the sentiment thinking to himself,  _Yeah, real lucky to get this life threatening defect. So glad it is saving me from running the mile._  And when he was feeling less sarcastic he would think,  _I wish I could run so far away from here. I'd run for miles and I would never look back._

There were no great tragedies to make him feel this way, no great enemies to escape, just the general apathy of his peers. They all seemed so superficial. Maybe it was just him, though. A life lived under the constant shadow of death can make a person have a very unique perspective.

And if the attitudes of his peers were not enough, he also has the other extreme at home. His mother was always questioning his health, his emotional well being. His father eventually pretended indifference to make things easier, but that too was just a means of lessening his deep, deep worry. Cas knew that his existence was causing them a great deal of pain and worry.

He had thought of giving up several times, but he worried that that too could be too much for them. So he kept on living as much as he could. His shallow breaths carried him through college and even a degree. When college ended, he worked for his family, and waited for the end to come.

Dean tapped his arm. "Penny for your thoughts."

Cas had set the burger down. "I don't think that I'll be able to finish this." Dean reached over and plucked up the plate and swapped his now empty plate into the space.

"More for me then." He was so calm. Cas wondered how he could be this way.

"Are you always this easy to be around?" Cas leaned back a little into the seat and let it swivel just a little.

Dean was in the midst of biting off a big chunk of the burger. Cas watched him chew his way through it methodically. When he finally swallowed, he set it down and said, "I'm not. Actually, I'm a mess. You've caught me in a rare sober moment."

Cas just looked at him and tried to find a less messy conversational path. Finding none, he said, "Because of Sam?"

"Yes." Dean stared down at the half eaten burger before pushing it a little away. Cas didn't stare at him directly, instead he just kept toying with his milkshake cup. Dean continued, "Sorry. I mostly don't talk about him. It isn't something that I can fix, so I avoid it."

"I'm sorry. I guess me forcing you to spend this much time with me hasn't helped much either."

He looked over at Cas then, rolling his lip into a 'what the hell' smirk. "Uh, no. If it weren't for you, I'd be at home spending time with Jack Daniels. This is a much healthier alternative." He drummed on the counter and said, "Tell me a story, something distracting from all this depressing crap so I can finish this burger. Hate seeing good food go to waste."

Cas looked at him funny and said, "You're seriously asking me to tell you a not depressing story. Not sure if you got the memo, but I have spent the last fifteen years slowly dying. I'm the poster child for the depressing."

Dean looked at him, and they both laughed, "Look, I have every bit of faith that you can pull something out of your ass."

"You have faith far too easily then." He laughed again and then tried thinking of something from his past that wasn't horrible. He went back to the running, one of the things that made him feel alive. "Well, I used to run. That was a kinda fun time."

"Sammy was a runner too." Dean's face fell a little.

Cas scoured his mind looking for a way to jump the tracks from the current depressing connection. "Well, as you can probably guess, I haven't done the running thing since I was a kid, but it didn't stop me from watching the runners with every bit of envy I had in me. Well, one of the best runners was this kid named Kevin. He was the best. I mean lithe and graceful and fast. To top it off he was a genius. He was literally everything that I wanted to be. He had friends, a kick ass hobby, and a hell of a future."

"So, this is not a depressing story?" Dean looked at him with a raised eyebrow and took a bite of the burger.

"Well, I didn't take a hit out on him or anything and he's still doing well, the last I heard."

"Okay then, continue."

"Well, I didn't know it, but Kevin secretly hated me. Once I was out of P.E. on account of my bad ticker, I just threw myself at all things academic. I took every A.P. course that I could. I aced all of my classes. Don't even get me started on my SAT and ACT scores. I kicked ass. I had nothing else going to distract me, no friends, or hobbies, just not dying. So, I guess it was easy. For Kevin it was harder. He had so much on his plate. He did it all though. In the end, he just wanted to be the Valedictorian. He wanted that little title that would tell him that he made it, that he was king of the world."

"I think I see where this is going." Dean was nearly through his burger, and Cas felt like he was doing at least one thing right.

"So the last month of my senior year rolls around, and my counselor calls me in. I got the Valedictorian spot. Kevin was the Salutatorian."

"Is that fancy talk for second place?" Dean had finished up the burger and was picking at the fries now.

"Yeah. He was the calmest guy I ever saw on most days, but when he found out about the final ranking, he punched a locker and broke a finger. I felt bad. I didn't even know it had been a competition. If he had only known just how much I would have loved to have traded the title for one of his victories on the track team. I would have taken any of those in trade, even a piddly local win."

Cas fell quiet for a moment and Dean said, "So, did you have to make a speech?"

"Funny thing, I don't do that sort of thing. In fact, I don't talk much." Dean gave him a funny look at that. "You probably don't believe me, but it's true. You seem to bring out my inner chatty kathy."

Dean laughed. "Yeah, I tend to do that with people."

"Well, it's nice. I think that I forgot how to be around people that weren't family. You know, sometimes it is nice to remember how to talk to people that don't have a moral obligation to talk back."

"Pretty sure it wasn't that bad. You seem to be fine."

"Well, funny thing, I wasn't. I learned about the speech, and I freaked out. I was not talking to anybody outside of my family, and now I was expected to make a coherent speech in front of a few thousand people. How was I going to do that?"

"Yeah, that sounds like hell. So what did you do?"

"I went a little crazy, had a panic attack or seven, and landed in the hospital." Cas tried to laugh about it but it came out weak. "Anyway, everyone just figured that my heart was just having trouble, not that I was having massive amounts of anxiety about the speaking thing. In the end, I wasn't well enough to go back to school for the graduation. Kevin made the speech. It was epic. I was glad it was him up there, and maybe in the end he didn't hate me too much anymore."

"You ever talk to him after?"

"I sent him a message after I saw his speech. Told him it was awesome. He wrote back. He was funny and all that. I think that things change once you graduate. Stuff just matters differently afterwards." The waitress came over then with their check and Cas realized that he did not have a wallet. He was, in fact, just wearing sweats and a hospital shirt, so he was not prepared to do his part. "Uh, I can pay you back at the hospital if you can float me 'til then."

"Don't worry 'bout it. I practically ate all of your food anyway." Dean tossed down a twenty and then got up to retrieve his wheelchair. Pushing it over he said, "Come on down. Your chariot awaits." They left the diner and headed back to the hospital. It had been a little more than an hour, and Cas felt like it went by too fast. Dean whistled a tune with each step and Cas tried to place it.

"What's the song?" He tipped his head back and looked at Dean.

"Highway to Hell. I like stuff from the seventies and the eighties." Dean smiled and then continued whistling. They got back to the hospital entrance and Cas took the wheels.

"I'll be fine from here." He wheeled around to face Dean. "Thanks, for everything. It's been a long time since I felt normal."

"Anytime." Dean pressed his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels a little.

"So, if I get back to the city, would it be weird if I asked you to lunch?" Cas worried that Dean would say no, or that he'd say yes out of pity. He also worried that he would say yes, and that it would be weird. He didn't know why he took the chance. Making friends was not his specialty, but he wanted this. Maybe it was Sam's heart that made him bold. He hadn't been bold before.

"Will you actually eat next time?" And somehow, that answer was perfect.

"Maybe, although I think that you certainly benefit from my lack of effort." Cas smiled. "So, if I were to call you…" He looked off at the distant line of trees that surrounded the parking lot.

"My number's in the apartment magazine, inside of the front cover." Dean pointed down at the magazine that Cas had wedged into the side of the seat next to his leg. "Shoot me a text or something when you come to town."

"Will do." Cas was angling for nonchalant as he rolled back a little with the words. He spun around and started back to the hospital. He whistled a tune as he went. He thought that it was a close approximation of what Dean had been whistling before. He made his way back to his room, warm and smiling even as he passed through the cold spot that was always present at the foot of his bed.


	4. Chapter 4

 

He slept that night, and his mind filled with dreams. They were troubling and filled with fire and destruction. He was sweating through the sheets when he woke up with a start. The room was dark, and it was three a.m. He could feel his heart punching out a staccato rhythm in his chest. He pressed his hand to it and looked around in the dark.

There was light coming in from the open door. The light fell in a rectangular swatch over the tray next to his bed. The coins were toppled. He stared at them. Missouri was walking by the room and he called out to her. "You need something, sugar?"

"Was anyone in here tonight while I slept?" He kept looking around the room, trying to find other things that might have been amiss.

"Not that I know of. I'm the one on duty tonight for this wing. I was planning to check in on you in a few hours." She leaned on the edge of his bed and looked at him like she was trying to read him. "What's got you spooked?"

"I'm not spooked." He looked back at her, trying to project calm.

"You seem spooked." She pulled over the chair and sat in it. "Talk to me, Cas. You having issues with going home today?"

"Maybe that's it. I don't know. You sure that no one was in here?"

"Why do you think someone was in here?"

"Sometimes I just feel like I'm not alone. I keep waking up at the same time every night, and it's cold but not cold to anyone else, and now the coins." He realized all of a sudden that he sounded crazy and stopped.

She reached out to him and rested a warm hand on his leg. "What's this about coins?"

"They were knocked over, but I never heard them fall. I always have them stacked up in columns by type." He was really feeling stupid now. "I'm sorry. I know I sound insane."

"You don't. I wouldn't worry about it though. I never got the sense that anything was in this room that had ill intentions. I always felt like this room was filled with a whole lot of love." She got up then and moved the chair back to the wall. She stepped up to his tray and restacked the coins.

Cas just watched her. She got done and stared down at him. Cas said, "You sound like you know more than what you are saying."

"No, dear. I'm just intuitive. My mom used to say I was psychic or something. I think that it is more that I can empathize with people. Like the way you view your mom. You love her and yet you want to get away from her. She loves you, to an almost smothering degree, but it wasn't always that way. She's just been afraid of losing you for so long that she doesn't remember how else to be with you."

"You think that I'm imagining things because I'm moving home?" He watched her face for signs of ridicule or understanding.

"By way of an answer, let me tell you a little about my momma." She walked over to the thermostat and turned up the temperature. She walked back to the foot of his bed and continued, "She claimed she was a psychic, just like her mother and her mother before her. According to her we come from a long line of clairvoyants and general psychics. We have some cousins in the midwest that claim to be diviners. They make money finding water for people." She looked away as if she were ashamed of the admission. "Anyway, a lot of them were really manipulating people. Didn't like that so much. I was just a kid though, so what did I know. I mean, people have to live, have to eat. Momma always said I was too harsh. I probably could have accepted it, if it weren't for Jonesy. She would give readings to people that had lost family members. I knew for a fact she was making her shit up."

"How'd you know?" Cas angled himself up a little higher in the bed.

"Just knew. Like I said, I'm all kinds of empathetic. It really bugged me. It's just wrong for someone to be taking money from grieving people like that. So, I up and told my momma that I wasn't a psychic. She never forgave me for that. Said I needed to be true to myself or something like that."

Cas chewed on her words a little before he spoke, and when he did it was with a tone of sympathy. "So, you say you aren't a psychic, but that isn't necessarily true."

"True enough."

"So, Miss Not-a-Psychic, you sense anything weird in here?"

She laughed at him a little and turned back to the thermostat and then the corner of the room just under the AC vent. "Your thermostat says that it is 71 degrees in here, but this spot," she moved a little more under the vent. "This spot is cold." She walked over to the coins and pushed them over with a single finger. They clattered noisily over on the tray. "And that would certainly have woken you up."

"So, I'm not crazy someone was in here?" Cas started restacking the coins, and Missouri stepped back.

"I don't know, Cas. Do you believe in that sort of thing?" She seemed like she was trying not to commit all of a sudden, and Cas didn't understand why.

"Maybe I do. I mean, doesn't it seem like there's more to all of this? I spent a whole lot of time doing the dying thing, and I'll admit that most days, I just thought that none of it mattered, that I'd be just done at the end of it all. Some days, though, I believed that there was something more, something bigger than all of this. Maybe I just needed to feel less like everything was ending back then, but I don't know."

Missouri pulled the chair back over to the side of the bed and sat. "Think of it like energy." She looked at him waiting to see if he was okay with the track she was about to take. "So, you and everyone else, you all have a soul. We get it in the beginning. It is slipped in and the blood flows, and the mind kicks on, and we carry it through all things." She moved her hands up in a sweep as though she was miming a slope. "So, you get this soul, and it pushes you up the slope. Think of it as all of this potential energy. You live, live, live. Then, one day, you start rolling back down that slope, and some of that energy gets used up in the move." She sweeps her hand again, but this time, stops abruptly mid-sweep. "Now, if something comes along to stop all of that living abruptly, then the energy gets dumped out all at once. I think that something like that would make the energy, or soul get all confused. I think that it would just gather itself and wait for some sort of comfortable resolution so that it could move on."

"So, as long as it just trickles out slowly over a lifetime, you think that it just moves on, but that abrupt ends make things problematic?" She nodded at him. He looked over at the corner and added, "So, someone is hanging out in my room because they can't move on?" The uptick in his tone sounded funny even to his ears.

She drummed her fingers on the edge of his bed and said, "I don't know, Cas. Guess you'll just have to decide what you believe for yourself. But if ever there was a place filled with abrupt endings, I'd say this hospital was that place. I wouldn't worry about it, Cas. There is too much to live for to be dwelling on the world of the dead." She patted his leg and added, "You need to get some rest before your family whisks you away from here." She looked a little sad at that.

"I'll actually miss you, ya know?" He gave her a sad sort of smile.

She stepped over to the tray. She had spent a fair amount of time tending to his needs over the months that he had been in the hospital. She had sat by him and read to him. She was busy, yes, but somehow she had managed to carve out time for his comfort. He suspected that she was doing the whole visiting thing when she was off duty. It had made him feel special and also a little guilty. She plucked up a pen from the tray and wrote something on a little slip of paper.

"Now, don't go thinking that I do this with just everyone." She handed him the paper and added, "I think that maybe you could use a friend once you are out there in the world again, and I think that maybe I might be the right kind of friend for you."

Cas took the paper and rubbed it a little between his thumb and forefinger. He didn't know what to say. He had never had an easy time with friendships and here was one just so easily forged. "Thank you, for literally everything. It won't be weird for you if I call and ask you about cold spots in my house or if I complain about Michael's latest publishing nightmare?"

She laughed, "It'll only be weird if you force me to listen to the novel that he was reading to you in here. Oh my good God, that was torture." They both laughed now. "So, when you figure out how to move out here, let me know, and I'll lend a hand." She gave him a final pat and made her way back to the door. "Guess I better get back to work. You rest up."

He gave her a little salute and put her number on the tray. "Will do, boss."

Coming home after so much time away was not a quiet affair. He had hoped to move silently through the house to his room, where he would likely sit in the dark for some hours. It sounded depressing when he shared the plan with his mom, but in his head it was actually a peaceful plan. "Well, that is not how your first evening at home is going to go. Don't you think that your family and friends will want to see you?"

"Uh, you all see me everyday, and what friends?" He could see the house up ahead, its roof protruding from the landscape just a little. The rolling fields of deep green grasses obscuring the yard and smaller features of the property. He could see the big red barn off to the side. It wasn't used as a traditional barn though. His mom and dad had renovated it into an office space. The center was a broad open space where they entertained clients, and the rooms off the back end of the building had been made into small offices and guest rooms. Upstairs the space was a broad loft that his father used for his writing and editing. Cas had an office on the back end of the barn. He had hoped that he would be allowed to make it his living space. He had hoped that he would be allowed at least that much distance. Hopes were meant to be dashed.

They turned onto the long driveway that wrapped around the property in a meandering way, eventually ending in front of the house with its wrap around porch. The whole place was meant to project an aura of family and comfort. His parents bought the place and put a lot of work into it in order to get potential clients to a comfortable place before they signed on the dotted line. Of course, they also had the offices in the city for the more formal clients and for the larger aspects of the business. Michael spent most of his time there.

As the car came to a halt in front of the house, Cas noticed all of the vehicles littering the driveway. The front porch had a big banner hanging from it declaring, 'Welcome Home, Castiel!" It was clearly his mom's doing. Her careful script spanned the banner in a variety of colors. "Well, Castiel, I think that maybe you might just be wrong about people wanting to welcome you home."

"Oh God, mom. What did you do?" They got out of the car and made their way up the steps. His dad stepped to his side and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry, son. You know your mom is pretty excited to have you home." Cas just looked back at him as his mom bounced through the front door.

"He's home!" She called out the announcement as she entered. They followed her in and Cas was immediately greeted by swarms of people. His sister, Anna threw her arms around him and a tiny plague of little children did the same. There were four of them, all within two years of each other in age. They were wild little hell-beasts. Right now, though, they were actually being quite sweet. He hugged them back.

"I missed you." Anna said into his ear.

"You saw me in the hospital." He stepped back and laughed at her.

"Yeah, but it was weird there. I feel like outside of it, we can go back to being ourselves again." He looked at her as she said it and felt like he really understood what she meant.

She released him and then pressed kisses to the heads of her children. Next there were uncles and aunts. There were people from back in his school days, somehow occupying space in his parent's living room. There were clients that he had met face to face, and some that he had not. The evening would be long. He worked his way through the crowd and made an effort to look happy doing so. He struggled with interactions. He really felt just how out of practice he was. Thirty minutes into the party, and people were still trickling in. He hadn't realized just how many people he knew, mostly from his editing work. They all appreciated him, effusively. As the evening progressed he found himself edging further and further out to the edges of the crowds, then the porch.

He leaned on the porch railing looking out to the driveway. One of his clients had taken up residence at his side. She was a cheerful woman with flowing red hair, that reminded him of his sister. Charlie was one of the clients that he would actually call a friend. They had met years ago when her first book had come to his desk. He devoured it, a murder mystery so unique and compelling that he actually went back to it multiple times just for the joy of reading it. He had been further charmed by her, when she had turned in her author photo for the book jacket. It had been a rather adorable picture of a gerbil. She wanted to be anonymous, thus the picture. They became friends after when he asked her to lunch. They had managed to make it a semi-regular thing. "So, you hate every bit of this, don't you?"

"A world of yes." He looked at her after he said it, and immediately added, "Uh, sorry. I didn't mean you know, this part."

She laughed at him, "Oh, silly. I totally know what you meant. Let's not go back in for some time." She hip bumped him and then went back to drinking from her plastic tumbler. Cas drank too. Then a car pulled up to the house, an unfamiliar car. "Who's the late arrival?"

"Don't know." He couldn't see into the car and squinted a little more to try to get answers.

The car doors opened almost in unison, and the Winchesters eased out. John, Mary, and Dean walked over to the porch. There was also a woman with dark brown waves of perfect hair that Cas had never seen before. "Tell me that you can introduce me," Charlie whispered into his ear.

"Would if I could. I don't know her at all. The others are the Winchesters. They're the family of Sam, the guy that gave me his heart."

Charlie reached over to him and said, "Oh, Cas." They were at the steps now when Cas gave Dean a little wave. He moved around her to greet them.

"So, I see that my mom got to you too." He reached out and shook hands with John and Mary. He turned to Charlie and said, "Charlie Bradbury, this is John and Mary Winchester, and their son Dean."

He noticeably turned to the brunette and smiled. Mary reached back to her and pulled her forward. They each shook Charlie's hand first, then Mary said, "This is Ruby Jennings. Sam's..." Ruby cut off the rest of the sentence by stepping forward to shake Cas' hand.

Cas shook her hand and then stepped back. She looked up at him, dipping her head a little as she did so. Her dark brown eyes peered up through thick lashes. Her mouth was pursed into a thin line with a forced smile. It was likely awkward for her meeting him, he thought. "Lovely to meet you. I have heard only wonderful things about Sam."

"Thank you." Her voice was quiet and luminous. He imagined that it was a voice that would charm anyone if she used it to form more than two words. Becky came out of the house then.

"John, Mary, so glad you both could make it." She turned to Dean then and added, "So good to see you again, Dean." She nodded toward Ruby and said, "So, is this your girlfriend?"

Dean looked immediately awkward, taking a step back and noticeably cringing. "Uh, no. This is Ruby, Sam's fiance. Ruby, this is Becky Rosen-Shurley." Cas wasn't sure when Dean had picked up on his mother's hyphenated name, but somehow he had managed.

She reached past Dean and shook Becky's hand. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Pleasure's all mine, dear." Becky smiled at her through the handshake.

John turned back to Cas and Charlie. "I know this might sound weird, but are you the Charlie Bradbury that wrote  _Paths in Perdition_?" John looked at Charlie past a squint, the glare of the hot afternoon sun lighting up the porch and him.

"I am, but don't go sharing that with anyone. Girl's gotta keep her anonymity somehow." She smiled.

"Well you look nothing like the gerbil. I totally thought that you were a man." He reached out again to shake her hand. "I am literally your biggest fan."

She shook his hand back and said, "You aren't going to tie me up and break my ankles now are you?" They all froze up a little at that.

Cas laughed. "She's referring to  _Misery_ by Stephen King. It's a joke." They all still stood there, silent.

Then John laughed, "I totally got the reference. I just thought it would be funny to make you feel awkward." He laughed again and Charlie joined him.

"Shit, I totally thought that I just freaked you out. Like, literally five people know who I am, and all I could think was, great this guy thinks I'm a lunatic."

"Well, I sure hope you have a sequel coming out soon. That cliffhanger was a doozy." John smiled and the lines at his eyes crinkled up a little more.

"I was just waiting for Cas here to get done with this little hospital thing so that he could edit me up good. I really don't trust anyone else to do this justice like he does."

John turned to Cas then and said, "So, how much do I have to pay you for a sneak peek? Seriously, name your price."

"Oh, no, don't even try to corrupt me. Charlie would kill me if I shared it. Not to mention, my dad would actually fire me. I may be family, but he would have no problem disowning me over that."

John rested a hand on his shoulder then and said, "So, what you're saying is that I need to pay a rather hefty amount to make it worth your while and maybe throw my first born into the deal as well."

"Hmm, now I also get your first born. Geesh, how can I turn down this deal?" Cas glanced at Dean as he spoke.

"I know, and I haven't even made a clear money offer yet. I think that I just might be getting my sneak peek."

Charlie gave Cas a gentle slug to the arm. "Don't you even think about it Shurley. I don't care how good looking the offer is."

Dean interrupted then. "You all get that this is getting awkward, right?"

Cas laughed, "And that, my friend, is the best part."

Becky reached past them to Mary's arm and gently directed her to the house. John followed. Dean waited a little as they passed. Ruby lingered a moment then followed them in too.

"My dad really does love your writing."

"I picked up on that." Charlie tossed back the last of her drink and asked, "So, you've been trying to convince this one to move to the city huh?"

"I think that he was already set on it. I just gave him an apartment magazine."

Cas tossed back the last of his drink too and said, "This is true. I really need to call on that one that you live in. It looked like a nice place, if the picture is in any way accurate."

"Oh, it is. The courtyard in the middle is the little extra gem. On some nights, the residents have little gatherings out there. They have these little paper lanterns that run across the space, and it is really quite pretty there." He shuffled his feet a little and seemed like he was interested in a spot on the porch near his toe. "I realize that I just sounded hella cheesy. I do recommend the place though. It is convenient and reasonably priced."

"You don't have to convince me. I really don't see myself sticking around here for long. I need to forge my own path at least a little. Hopefully, mom can get over it." Cas glanced over at Charlie then. She was smiling a cheshire cat grin. "What? You look all smug."

"Oh, nothing, just you." She got up and hugged him. "I'm really glad you are okay now. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with all of this new found life you got ahead of you."

"Well," he let her go, "I hope that moving to the city will lead to more lunches with my bestie."

"Well, duh. Maybe you'll finally have a dating life that we can commiserate over."

"Wow, that doesn't sound dire or anything. You think that I am going to have a sad dating life?"

"Totally. It'll likely be awkward, filled with unresolved sexual tension, self-doubt, and the inevitable boinking. Looking forward to all of the lunch time conversations about that little journey." She laughed as he wrinkled his features up at her. She made her way down the front steps. "Tell your mom I said B-Y-E."

Dean tipped his head to the side and asked, "Why'd you spell it."

Charlie answered, "Didn't want her to think that I was saying B-I, because I am not. She maybe kinda hopes that Cas and I are both B-I, Bi and that we will swing each other's ways. Not gonna happen."

"Wow, Charlie, you mean I can't sway you to this little bit of paradise." Cas took a little spin and raised his hands up over his head.

"Oh, hold me back." She tipped her head up to the sky and called out, "Oh, lesbian muses, save me from the temptation." They all laughed at her antics as she wandered off to her car. "Peace out bitches."

He and Dean stood there for awhile watching the dirt settle back to the road as Charlie rounded the corner. "So, you wanna give me the grand tour?" Dean asked.

"Oh, yeah, sure. I've been rude." He slipped his thumbs through his belt loops and moved down the steps.

"Uh, where you going?"

"Not in the house, that's for sure. You haven't been in there yet, but me and crowds are no bueno. So, the tour starts out here." He nodded toward the yard and began walking off. Dean finally moved to join him, and in two quick strides was at his side.

"So, I'm gonna get a tour of the driveway, huh?" Dean's lip quirked up into a half-grin.

"Well, we did use the finest concrete." They laughed. "Actually, I figured I'd show you the awesome barn. It's where I work, or at least used to work." They got to the other end of the property and crunched along on the pea gravel walkway to the side entrance. They went in, Cas switched on the lights. The central room was all aglow under the big hanging overhead lamp. The table was a light oak thing taking up massive amounts of space in the room. Despite that though, the room was cozy and warm. Cas told him about the remodel and then directed him to the stairs up to the loft. "This is where my dad and mom work. Well, mostly my dad. Mom likes to go into the city for her part."

"He edits too?" Dean asked as they entered the wide open space that was his father's loft office.

"Yes, and writes too. He has a few books in circulation, ghost stories, that sort of thing." Cas walked over to his father's desk and let his fingers trail over the keyboard that sat there. On the adjacent desk was an old Underwood Standard typewriter. He could see that his father had a letter rolled in it, which he was clearly in the midst of typing.

"Whoa, your dad uses that thing, when he has a perfectly reasonable computer?" Dean leaned over the desk and looked at the paper coming out of the typewriter.

"Yeah, dad always said that just because something's old, doesn't mean it isn't good. He likes the way the keys feel under his fingers, and he likes the look of typed print." Cas let his fingers graze the keys a little. "Far be it for me to question his joys."

Dean moved down a different conversational path, the connection completely lost on Cas. "So, your mom wants to set you up with a lesbian, huh?"

"Yeah, mom may have sat through  _Brokeback Mountain_  while claiming love and tolerance, but she never quite let go of her desire for copious amounts of grandchildren. Guess she figured one lesbian plus one gay equals a straight couple and grandbabies." He noticed that Dean's face shifted a little with his words.

"I thought that your parents just misunderstood you. Didn't catch that you were actually gay."

"Oh, I thought that it was way obvious. Guess I don't date often enough though to give off the vibe, either that or you don't have the Dar." He moved back to the stairs and started down them. "Come on, I'll show you the other offices."

"What's Dar?"

"You know, Gaydar." He laughed a little. "Guess you don't have that."

"Or apparently the ability to process simple sentences. You did pretty much say you were. I just didn't hear it that way."

"Does it matter to you?" Cas stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked back up at Dean as he came down the last couple of steps.

"Nope. Just hate it when I miss details. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. It's hard sometimes to have the right amount of focus when all my brain wants to do is shut down. I'm working, and that is helping, but when I'm not, I just can't seem to function." He stopped talking for a moment and then said, "Hey, sorry. I totally didn't mean to share all of that."

Cas reached out to his arm and said, "I don't mind. I certainly think that I could be a decent listener if you need one. Lord knows it would be a relief to listen to someone that isn't my family."

"They seem nice."

"They are."

"So, you gonna show me your office, or should I break out the bon-bons and tampons?" Dean moved past him a bit and Cas stepped aside.

"Well, not sure what that means, but wow, kinda sexist maybe." He lead the way out to the back hall. At the end of it there was a split leading off to the two ends of the building. One side had two doors in it and the other had three.

"I wasn't intentionally being sexist. That has to count for something." Cas didn't respond and Dean added, "Sorry. I don't really talk much about my feelings and stuff. Sam use to encourage it, and now it seems like I should talk about things, but he isn't here to make it happen."

Cas turned to Dean and said, "Seriously meant it when I said I'd like to listen." Then to make the mood a little lighter he added, "So, when I get a place, I'll have you over for bon-bons and chats about your feelings." He grinned as he opened the door to his office. It was a little musty, but that would change as soon as he aired it out a bit. He flicked on the lights and saw that someone had already deposited a file on his desk. The post-it note on top said, 'for whenever you're ready.' He flipped back the cover and saw that it contained a print out of Charlie's most recent book. "Oh, don't tell your dad about this. He might break in for a copy of it."

Dean peared past his shoulder and read the title. "So, can I tell him the title?"

"Absolutely not." Cas waved a hand out to the room and said, "Welcome to my home away from home."

"All ten feet away from home."

Cas laughed, "Yeah, I thought about putting a bed in here, but mom apparently already set up my space in the main house. It's weird being back in the old childhood room. I think that once I see my old posters and shit, I'll just run out screaming. I only lived at home for a brief spell after college, and I was plenty sick, so I wasn't keeping track of much."

Dean walked over to Cas' wall of books and skimmed over the titles. "Do I get to see your room too?"

"Hmm, not sure. I really am avoiding the main house. I literally spoke with fifty people tonight. I'm pretty grateful that you showed up. Got me out of the awkward socializing."

"You don't think it's weird that we are out here visiting during your welcome home party? Seems like you should maybe be doing the whole visiting with the long term friends thing." Dean picked up a picture off of Cas' desk and looked at it.

"I'm where I want to be, but if you want to head over, I'll oblige." Cas wandered back to the door and made a beckoning head nod. Dean set down the picture and followed.

"I didn't mean that you had to go back to the house. I was just commenting. I'm content out here too." Dean was right on Cas' heels as he headed out into the main room. He stopped abruptly and Dean ran into him a little.

"I, sorry. I didn't know you were right behind me. If I can get a tour of the apartment tomorrow, would you wanna do lunch afterwards?" Cas wasn't sure what he was asking or even why. He just knew that he liked the fact that things with Dean felt comfortable. Maybe it was the heart. Maybe it was the way that Sam's heart just picked up the pace a little whenever Dean was near him. He wanted to keep that. The steady drumming excitement that came with these moments of proximity.

"I'm off work at around two. Would that be too late?" Dean looked younger in the golden light from the overhead lamp. Cas thought that maybe he also looked younger because he dipped his head a little with the question, as if he believed that he was asking too much of Cas.

"Waiting until two is nothing. I probably won't get to the city until the afternoon anyway. Then the tour will happen. Two would likely be perfect. Should we plan to go to Ellen's or somewhere else?" Cas resumed walking back toward the outside and the house. Dean followed him.

"Ellen's place might be nice. You are owed a burger or something from her if I remember right." Dean grinned at Cas' side as they walked. The moon was out now. He hadn't realized that they had been in the barn so long. It was still that funny time when it was day and night all at once. Twilight time. They stopped in the middle of the driveway for a moment and both looked up at the moon. "Always funny when you see it in the day, like the sky is broken or something."

Cas felt the warmth of Dean's arm next to his, the brush of fabric from Dean's over shirt making a little rustling noise against his own shirt. "Not broken, just special. Like someone out there said, the night isn't appreciating this enough; let's give it to the day too."

"Hm, maybe." They walked a little. "Guess I should let my mom know that she shouldn't set you up with Jo."

"Not that I want to be set up, but why?" He laughed as he asked.

"Pretty sure Jo's not your type."

"Really, I might like him." Cas elbowed Dean lightly as they walked.

"Well, Jo's my cousin, my very female cousin. She's not blood related, but close enough. Mom thought that might be an issue. She even said something about how it wouldn't be weird since Jo's not actually blood."

"Why would that matter to her?"

"On account of the heart." Dean didn't look at him when he said it, as if it was awkward for him. They mounted the steps to the porch.

"She does get that I'm not Sam right?" Cas felt regret as soon as he asked it. He thought that maybe Dean didn't yet feel comfortable with hearing his brother's name or the dismissal of his presence.

"Yeah, she knows, I think." Dean reached out for the door. Cas stopped him with a hand to the screen.

"You get that I'm not him right? I mean, I'm really not, even if I wish that I could be that for you all. He was, I think, a way better person than I'll ever be."

"You don't know that. He might have been anything. You only know what we told you."

"Yeah, and I can see how you miss him. I can see what he meant every time we talk." Cas wasn't sure why he needed to make the distinction, but somehow it seemed to matter. He wasn't Sam, and he couldn't bring him back for them by just carrying this heart.

"I know you aren't Sam. I get that. I just miss him, and," He let his hand slide back from the door to his side. He looked at Cas then in the twilight haze on the front porch. "I feel better when you're around. You make me forget how much it hurts." He looked away then and Cas reached over and pulled him into a hug. Dean didn't hug back.

"You know this is a hug. Likely the most awkward hug to ever hug. Now, you can solve it by hugging back, and then we can end it, or I can keep hugging you until it becomes funny. Your choice." Cas had his face pressed into Dean's shoulder. He sucked in a deep breath of Dean's scent, leather and soap. A clean kind of earthy aroma. Dean hugged back, a quick squeeze and back slap, a kind of thanks bro moment.

"Well."

"Yeah, well. That wasn't so bad. Next time don't be awkward." Cas reached out and opened the door.

"You gonna make a regular thing out of this?"

"The hugging?"

"Yeah." Dean was beside him as Cas closed the front door.

"Yep. Might hug you goodbye too. You've met my mom. I had to get something from that side of my genepool. Looks like I got the hug thing." The sound of chatter was fully a part of the atmosphere of the house. He wondered how long he would have to be a part of it.

"Didn't peg you for the hugging type. Kinda thought that you didn't like people."

"I like people just fine, in small doses. Plus, you are a little more tolerable than most." Cas threw him a lopsided grin and pulled him along by his shirt to the stairs. "How about part two of the tour?"

"Oh, gonna show me the shameful kid room?"

"Yep, one more way that I get to avoid the crowd." They took the stairs two at a time. Cas pushed his door open, not sure what he would find there. He was a bit surprised to find the entire Winchester party and his parents wedged into the space. The room wasn't small, but it wasn't exactly meant to accommodate five adults plus Dean and Cas. They stayed in the doorway for a moment. "Uh, hello."

"Oh, there you two are. We were looking for you both earlier, Charlie too." Becky made her way past the others to him. "So, you like the room? I got you a new comforter and some new art for the walls. Just told the Winchesters about the posters that used to be everywhere in here." The room was nice enough for a guest room. The art was fine enough too. It was all just kind of not him. The comforter was lime green, and the art included a bunch of close-ups of plants. Not bad, just not quite him. She did keep three framed posters up on the window wall, all  _Star Wars_  related.

"Thanks mom. Just finished giving Dean the tour of the offices." He kissed her on the cheek. It was easier this way. He knew that she meant well. It wouldn't kill him to just be nice about it all.

"Your parents just showed us some very adorable baby pictures." Mary chimed in from over by Cas' bed.

Cas' face fell a little. "No, mom. You didn't."

"Just a couple." Becky sounded quite pleased with the experience.

Cas looked at Mary and said, "I'm so sorry about that."

Mary came over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Obviously, we enjoyed it. Your family is delightful." She turned back to her family. "We should let you have your room back."

Mary's word apparently was law, as John, Ruby and Cas' parents moved out of the room. Ruby stayed somewhat near them as the rest made their way down the stairs. "Would love to hang with you two for a bit."

"Seen enough of my baby pictures?" Cas asked Ruby as he motioned to the room. Dean and Ruby moved into the room again. Cas followed them in and sat on the edge of his bed. Ruby propped herself up on the window sill. Dean sat on the rolly office chair that was next to Cas' very sparse desk.

"Like Mary said, the pictures were enjoyable. You had the cutest little bum." Ruby smirked over at him.

"Oh God, this is Hell." Cas flopped back onto the bed and covered his eyes.

"Could be worse, Cas. Coulda been full frontal." Dean laughed.

"Oh, we totally got that view too. Cas is definitely circumcised." Ruby looked like she was enjoying this.

"I'm going to kill my mom. Seriously, going to kill her."

Ruby laughed even more. "You are well and truly loved by them, your parents. You should really try not to be mad. I was just having fun at your expense."

Dean got up and plopped down on the other side of the bed from Cas. "I guess I can kinda see why you might want to move to the city."

"Thanks. I am seriously going to be there tomorrow, even if I can't get a tour set up. A few hours tomorrow morning and I'll be more than ready for a break." Cas rolled onto his side and propped his head up with his hand.

Ruby had her purse settled on her lap. She rummaged around in it a bit and pulled out a silver flask. She unscrewed the top and tipped it back. She looked at them both while she drank and lowered it back. "What? You aren't the only one that gets through the days with a little something extra." She held out the flask to Dean then. "You know you want it."

Dean took it and wiped off the top with his t-shirt before tipping back a bit too. He looked at Ruby and said, "Whoa, what the Hell is this?"

"Just whiskey." She smiled though and Cas was left wondering if it wasn't something more. Dean took another swig.

"That ain't just whiskey, but it is damn good." He leaned toward Cas and held out the flask. "Ya want some?"

Cas took the flask and took a small sip. He didn't wipe off the top first. The alcohol, whatever it was, was powerful. He choked a little. "Whoa, is right." Somehow, this small act between them made them soften a little, grow more noticeably comfortable. Ruby got up and tossed herself on the end of the bed next to Dean. She reached out and Cas handed her the flask. She took another swig before twisting the cap back on.

Cas reached back and grabbed a second pillow and tossed it to Ruby. "Here." She scrunched it up and laid on it. Dean moved up a bit and had his back to the post at the end of the bed. "So my mom didn't overwhelm you too much?"

"Nope. She was nice. I just followed John and Mary around as she showed them stuff. I enjoyed the tour. Glad to be here now. I haven't been much for socializing, and this was about the full extent of what I am willing to do." She pushed her cheek into the pillow a little so that only half of her face peaked out.

"Maybe you should have followed us for the outside tour." Dean gave her a gentle pat.

"Nah, didn't want to intrude." She looked back at Dean.

"How would that be intruding?" Dean wrinkled his brows together, and Cas curled up more at the top of his bed.

"Oh, you know." She went back to pressing her cheek into the pillow. "Sam would have liked this party," she muttered.

"Yeah, Sam liked everything though, so that's not saying much." Dean pulled his legs more up onto the bed.

"Was he a social butterfly?" Cas asked while watching Dean and Ruby for signs of discomfort.

"He was." Dean looked off at the wall of Cas' old posters. "Dude, some of these posters are like collector's items."

Cas noted the change of subject and went with it. "Nah, most are just knock-offs of the originals."

"Not that one." Dean pointed at the actual vintage  _Star Wars_  poster carefully framed and hanging over his dresser.

"You're not wrong there. Yeah, my dad and I saw it together in the theaters when they rereleased it. It holds a bit of the old sentimental value." Cas stared at it a moment then looked back at Dean.

"That's older than the re-release though, isn't it?" Ruby chimed in.

"Yes. My dad got it for me some time ago. I think he thought that it was the last gift he would ever get me." Cas felt odd sharing the detail, but he went on. "I had some troubles with the ticker, landed me in the hospital. Doc told the fam that they needed to make peace or some shit that got them all worked up. Mom was crying all the time. Even Michael looked like he was being dragged through hot coals. Felt sorry for Anna while she tried to cope with her feelings with her kids hanging off her legs. But dad, that one was the one that really got me. He came in at night and sat by my bed. He thought I was sleeping, and he sang me a song. I didn't even know that he sang, yet there he was, doing his thing. I started crying. He noticed and apologized for waking me up."

"Poor guy," Ruby said, a hint of sorrow underlying her tone.

"Yeah, well, the next morning he shows up with this." Cas pointed at the poster. "He said that he had wanted to wait until my birthday to give it to me, but that he was never good at holding in surprises. I knew that what he really meant was that he thought I wouldn't make it that long."

"But you did." Dean reached over and gave his leg a pat. Cas hadn't realized it, but he had a single tear that had escaped. It ran down his cheek and off into the bed. He swiped at his face with his arm and pasted on a smile.

"Yeah. That I did, thanks to Sam." He felt bad about tossing them back into the discomfort of talking about Sam, but he needed them to know that he was grateful, that Sam meant something to him now too.

"How come you don't have a dog?" Ruby asked from somewhere out of left field.

"Wow, random much?" Dean said.

"Not random at all. I just want to know how a totally cool dude like Cas here doesn't have a dog. Cool dudes have dogs, and I see no evidence of a dog here." Ruby smiled over at Cas.

"I don't have a dog," Dean said.

"I rest my case. Cool dudes have dogs." She smirked.

"Wow, Ruby, just wow." Dean donned an air of the offended.

"I don't have a dog either, Dean, so I guess neither of us can be defined as cool." Cas laughed.

"You want to get a dog though, huh?"

"I hadn't considered it. My family was concerned that having a dog would be too much added responsibility given the situation we were in already. Other pets were fine. Lower maintenance was the mantra concerning them." Cas sat up and hugged his legs to him, a mirror of Dean's posture.

"Well, there's a reason I'm asking." Ruby rolled back onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Sam was a dog guy, like totally, completely smitten with the little buggers. He and I were going to adopt one after the wedding. We didn't want to go get a dog just to abandon it while we were on our honeymoon. Well, I was just thinking maybe you would be a dog person too."

"I wouldn't mind getting a dog. I kinda need to figure out the living sitch first. Your place allow dogs, Dean?"

"Maybe. I never checked. I didn't have the dog love that Sam had."

"More of a cat person?" Cas smiled a half grin that went to his eyes and saw that Dean was smiling back.

"Maybe, a little. I like that they don't give a shit, knock your stuff right off the counter if they just get a little punk ass urge to."

"They say people's pets take after their owners." Mary's voice came from the doorway. They all sat up a little more then and stared off at her. "Oh, don't mind me."

"Didn't see you there, mom." Dean got up then and walked over to her and planted a kiss on her cheek. "You saying I'm kinda like a punk ass cat?"

"You know it. I remember when you were a kid, and you use to sit in your high chair. I'd set a bottle on the tray and you'd just, all casual like, reach out and sweep it off to the floor." She wrinkled her nose up at him. "You taught your little brother that too. So, yeah, you are most definitely a punk ass...cat."

"Sammy had skills though. I swear that kid could fling his bottle across the room like he had some sort of superpower or something. Then he'd laugh and laugh. Maybe he was secretly a cat person too, Ruby."

"Nope, total sweetheart just like a puppy, unlike you, you surly old cat." She got up and gave him a hug and Cas watched the warmth and affection that was going on in his doorway. He wondered if, in time, Ruby wouldn't become a cat person. He got up then.

"Well, I actually came to fetch you both. John and I are thinking that we will head back home now. Becky invited us back next week for dinner. I think that it might be our turn to host though."

"Oh, mom loves company. You said yes, right?" Cas thought that maybe this might make dinner a less awkward affair.

She smiled at Cas with a look of pure affection. She walked over to him and gave him a hug. "Of course." When she let him go she turned slowly to Ruby and Dean. "You both are coming too."

"Of course," Dean and Ruby replied in unison.

"Well, we better get going. Your dad's already grumbling about how early he has to get up tomorrow. I swear, it's like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders or something." She sighed and Dean linked an arm around her waist as they stepped into the hall.

"I'll walk you all out." Cas stepped out behind them, and followed them down the stairs. His mom and dad were at the bottom of the stairs with Dean's dad. They all said their protracted goodbyes with promises to work out dinner plans later in the week. Cas kept smiling on the way out to the porch. "So, tomorrow?" He said it more like a question toward Dean's retreating back.

Dean let go of his mom's waist, and she continued on to the car. Cas' parents retreated to the inside of the house and the guests that were still there. "You just call me when you are ready for lunch. Actually, text me when you get to the apartment. I might be able to do the tour with you, if we don't get a call at the station."

"I won't hold you to it, but I'll definitely text you. Thanks again, even if it doesn't work out." Cas toed at the top step of the porch and averted his eyes a little.

"What do you think won't work out?" Cas looked up at him. Dean was watching him, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know. They might not have any availability, or whatnot." He went back to rubbing his foot along the step. "Lots of things might not work out. I just wanted you to know that I was grateful for this little bit anyway."

"Just so you know, it may be weird and stuff, but I'm not going anywhere whether you decide to get the place or not, so don't lose my number." Cas glanced back up at him and Dean added, "Unless you feel like this is too weird for you."

"Nope, totally not weird." Dean looked at him skeptically. "Uh, I mean, weird, but not too weird." His lip quirked up into another lopsided grin. "Skedaddle, your family's waiting for you."

"Skedaddle huh?" Dean said as he backed down the steps. "Is that how you country folks say goodbye?"

"I ain't a bit country, but yeah." Dean smiled still as he turned to the car that was waiting for him. Cas gave him a little half-hearted wave and watched as they drove off. He wrapped his arms around himself as he turned back to the house, a little chill in the night air seemed to cover him as he made his way back into the party and the warmth of his home.


	5. Chapter 5

Sleeping in his childhood room was odd. It should have been familiar enough, but he had already viewed it as something that he had escaped. He had, briefly, been a fully functioning, living on his own, somewhat dying, actually really dying, adult. This room was a retreat to childhood that he was unwilling to make. He could smell the coffee brewing downstairs though, and he was certainly ready to partake in that bit of joy.

He had laid out the clothes that he would wear to the city, a long sleeved, loose-fitting navy blue t-shirt. It was distressed a little and that made it soft. He also thought that it looked nice. It especially covered up his scar, which was not the easiest thing to accomplish with some of his old clothes. He chose a faded pair of black jeans to go with it. They were tight, but not uncomfortable. He gave himself a once over in the mirror and ran his fingers through his hair. It was a little wild, but he thought that it might be attractive. He considered the effort that he was making. He certainly wanted to impress the property manager. He knew that he could easily afford the apartment. His parents paid a generous salary. He also thought that maybe the property manager wasn't the only one that he could impress.

His phone buzzed on the nightstand. He scooped it up and saw that he had gotten a text from Dean.  **So, I got you an appointment for 11:30 to do the tour. Is that okay?**

He hadn't even called yet, so the fact that Dean was proactive on his behalf was rather helpful.  **Yes, totally okay.**

Cas cupped the phone in his hands and started to walk to the door when another text came through from Dean.  **Oh, good. I was thinking that I overstepped. Text me when you get here.**

**Will do.**

Cas took the stairs two at a time and actually jumped down the last three, landing with a resounding smack on the hardwood floor. He practically skipped into the dining room just off the kitchen, early morning light blanketing everything in a warm glow. He leaned into his mom's side and gave her a kiss on the cheek, snatching a piece of toast fresh out of the toaster.

"Hey, bucko. That was going to be mine," His dad said around a smile from his seat at the table.

"Ha, ya snooze you lose, daddio." Cas sat down next to him and poured a cup of coffee for himself. He scooped up a spoonful of sugar and added milk until it was a palomino tan. He stirred it, and the white tendrils of milk blended in a bit more. He hummed a happy little tune and began buttering his stolen toast. He looked up to find that his father was sitting back watching him. "What?"

"Sleep well?" Chuck picked up his own mug of coffee and sipped from it.

"Yeah, surprisingly." He started chomping on the toast, little crumbs snowing down on his plate and lap.

"Well, good. Talked with Charlie a bit last night. She said that she's ready for a read through on her draft. Said she left it in your office."

"Yeah, saw it. I'm gonna start it tonight."

"Not this afternoon? Usually you dive headlong into her stuff." Chuck took another sip and Becky joined them with her bowl of oatmeal and fruit. She handed Chuck a slice of toast.

"Got plans." He was reluctant to elaborate.

"Really, what're you doing?" Becky looked at him over her own mug of coffee, just as doctored up as Cas' was.

"I'm meeting Dean in the city. Gonna do lunch at his aunt's place. Well, I think she's his aunt. Can't remember for sure. Anyway, should be back later in the evening. You don't need to wait for me for dinner or anything." He distracted himself with a bowl and some cereal on the table. He poured the cereal into the bowl rather noisily and then looked up at his mom.

"So, one day here and you're already heading back to the city?" Her tone was saying something more. He felt his nerves coiling up in his stomach.

"Yep." He looked to his dad for help.

"So, ya wanna borrow my car? Seems like a nice day for a ride in the convertible." Chuck winked at Cas just before Becky turned to him.

"You think he should be running around in the city so soon?"

"I think he's a grown man that can run around in the city if he so chooses."

 _Oh, shit, shit, shit. Don't fight._  "I am totally going to take it easy, mom. Look." He reached over and rested a hand on her arm. "No stressful activities. Promise." He ran his finger over his chest in an X and then added, "Cross my heart."

She looked a little less upset then. "I just worry. I guess I need to try not to do that so much."

"I seriously feel like a million bucks, mom. I promise not to do anything though that would freak you out if you were right there with me. So, no skydiving, or high-speed dancing." Cas smiled as he spoke, hoping to calm her nerves with his tone.

"High-speed dancing, huh?" Chuck tipped his head with the question. "Is that a thing?"

"Totally. All the cool kids are doing it. I am not a cool kid, so I'll refrain. Plus, no dancing partner. Kinda a requirement." Cas started shoveling massive spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth as if he needed to hurry. He didn't. There were hours to kill, but he had an idea kicking around in his head, and he was ready to get to it.

"So, Dean's meeting you?" Becky's question was quiet and said something more than the mere words.

"Yes. I think I said that." Cas shifted a bit, and scooped up another heaping spoonful of cereal.

"So, is it weird spending time with him?" She watched him as she asked.

"Should be. He kinda asked the same thing the other night. I feel kinda like it is normal, like if we just don't think about whose heart is in here," he rested his hand on his chest, feeling the bass drum of it, "then it is not weird at all."

"I think your mom wants to know something more, but she isn't asking it. So, I'll just ask for her. Are you spending time with Dean today as a friend or as a something else?"

The question caused him to choke on his final giant bite of cereal, and no way in Hell was he going to have a conversation like this. No way, no how. He pushed back from the table then and took his mug of half drunk coffee with him. He stopped.  _This will not be enough coffee._  He refilled it, and silently cursed himself for messing up the precise blend of milk, to sugar, to coffee ratio.  _It'll never be right._ "Dean is a slightly more than an acquaintance, that may become a person that I refer to as a friend should he not think too much about the fact that I'm toting around his brother's heart. So, seriously, do not go acting all weird about this, okay?"

"You don't need to be defensive. We just wanted to know how to think about the situation." Becky turned in her seat to fully face him as he stood there.

"You don't have to think about this. Really. Nothing to think about. I know that it is weird for me to do the whole friend thing, but honestly this is like the healthiest thing I've done in years. You should be happy. I didn't want friends 'cause I was going to die. I want a friend now, because I'm planning to live." He started to move from the table, coffee in hand.

Becky got up and hugged him, coffee sloshed out a little at his side. "I love you, Cas. I'm so happy, and I just love the Hell out of you." She leaned away and pressed a hard kiss to his forehead. "You go have fun in the city." Cas stepped back and Chuck held out the keys to the convertible.

"Thanks dad, mom." He took the keys and added, "I'm gonna be out in the office for a bit first. I'll likely head out in an hour or two."

"Have fun," Chuck said as Cas headed for the door, a warm flood of emotions pooling up in his chest. As he stepped out onto the porch he felt himself pass through a cold patch that reminded him of his dream, the very reason that he wanted to go to the office.

During the night he woke up at 3:00 a.m. again. It was like it had been in the hospital. There was a coldness and his coins had been knocked over. He had also had a dream. He would normally just throw himself back into sleep again, but this time he didn't. He had instead scooped up the phone and wrote down some notes on what the dream had been. He knew that if he didn't he'd forget it all.

He pulled open the door to the side of the barn office and made his way inside and to his cozy space. He set aside Charlie's manuscript and opened up his laptop. He had written a few stories before, nothing big. He had even posted some short stuff online under a pseudonym. People liked him, and he had a fairly large group of followers for being such an infrequent poster. Most of what he did though was write beginnings. He often didn't finish what he started, as if the endings were too much to deal with.

He opened up a new document and started typing. He had his phone next to him on the desk. He didn't need to look at the notes though. All of the dream was still fresh. There was a fire, so he started with that. He had had the dream before, in the hospital. He wasn't sure if it was, at first, born out of some sort of guilt over living while Sam had died. It hardly mattered, though. Writing could be therapy, and he was fine with using it as such.

His fingers blazed a trail over the keyboard. The descriptions flowed. He wasn't sure where he was going with it, but he felt like there was certainly something there. He described the office building, a bank, and the high windows that framed the one side of the space that Sam occupied. The room seemed like it glowed in silver. The whole place was clean in that clinical way that one often finds in hospitals or the homes owned by the very wealthy. He described the desk and its meticulous array of items, a placard with his name, a container of pens, a computer monitor, and a small stack of files.

He dove into a different scene. He knew that the scenes were not in the right order yet, but he wanted to get them written before he lost the feel of them. He described the way that Sam met Ruby. He typed her name and realized that he would have to change that. He would also have to change Sam's name too. He contemplated the possible substitutions then settled on Meg and Adam.

He had to close his eyes for a second as he remembered the way that it had played out in the dream. Sam had opted to go to lunch. He rode the elevator down to the first level, planning to go to a diner down the street. There was a brunette in the elevator. He'd seen her before. She worked on the 21st floor; he worked on the 20th. They often rode the elevator at the same time. He noted that she was heading to the 1st floor too. He focused on the doors in front of him, giving her space too. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at her. She was looking at him. He returned his focus to the doors. She spoke. "Seems as though we should know each other's names, seeing as we ride the elevator together so often." That small sentence chipped a crack in the dam that had been keeping them apart.

The rest was all a discovery of commonalities and shared laughs over lunch. She shared details about her job, and more importantly her hobby. She wrote food review blogs in her spare time. At work she was knee deep in insurance claims, most days. The food blogs were a welcome reprieve. He shared his love of accounting and an equal love for yoga. He told her that the yoga detail was a secret since his brother would likely never let him hear the end of it.

Cas felt the scene flowing from his fingertips. It felt real and like the tangible beginnings of love. There's something so intimate about that first meal together and maybe the second too. The way that you just get nervous about a possible spill of a drink, or a piece of lettuce hanging out in your teeth. There's the talking too, the worry that something might come out all wrong past a bite of something. He made sure to include those feelings for Sam as he described him sitting there across from Ruby.

He considered other meals from which he could draw experiences that could fill the scene. He thought back on his most recent meal out. It had been with Dean. He remembered the way that Dean popped french fries in his mouth one by one, as if each one was deserving of a private audience there. Occasionally, little bits of salt were found lingering on his bottom lip. Dean would swipe them away with a flick of his tongue. The memory was something that he thought he could repurpose for Ruby and Sam. So he did. The room grew cold as he typed this part though, and he found himself stopping to check his phone. He hadn't noticed the time before. He'd been writing for two solid hours. He did a quick word count check and saw that he had managed just over 3,000 words. He let out a huff of air into the cold room and said aloud, "Wow, new personal best."

He got up and tucked his phone into his pocket. He would have to drive a little quickly if he was going to get to the apartment on time. He grabbed a jacket from the back of the chair and made his way out to the car. He had the keys already in hand as he tossed his coat in. The top was down and he was sure that he would look absolutely wind blown by the time he got to the city. He considered raising the top, but that would kill the point of driving the convertible. He got in and lowered the visor, finding his father's sunglasses tucked away there. They were a pair of gold aviator sunglasses with a slight amber tint to them. He put them on and got the car going.

The wind was refreshing. He loved the site of the world rushing by him. He maybe drove a bit too fast. The country soon gave way to highway walls and buildings. He zipped in and out of traffic. He had a sense of where he was going, but ended up at the hospital instead. He pulled over and typed in the address to the apartment, only to find a text from Dean.  **Totally hovering at the apartment. See you when you get here.**

He opted not to reply, but he was happy that he wouldn't have to do the tour alone. He wondered if he should try to check out some of the other apartments in the magazine. Truth be told though, he wasn't interested in them so much. The G.P.S. on the phone was ready to guide him, so he slipped it into its holder. The friendly voice pulled him along his route to Dean, to the apartment.

He was getting close. When he rounded what should have been the last corner, he saw Dean holding up a doorframe with his shoulder. Cas slowed up and pulled to the curb. He called out, "So, you know of any apartments for rent in the area?" He smiled.  _Cheesy._

Dean straightened up and walked over to the car. He leaned on the passenger door and said, "Heard about this awesome place. You should totally check it out." He opened the door and got into the passenger seat. "You can't park here," he added by way of explaining his presence in the car. "Head that way." He pointed ahead and Cas followed his directions to a nearby parking garage. "Nice car. Jaguar?"

"Yeah, my dad tossed me the keys this morning. Caught him in a good mood, I guess." Cas found a spot and parked. They got out and stared down at the car for a moment. "You think it is fairly safe in here?"

"Meh. Shit happens everywhere. Hopefully it'll be fine." Cas hit the alarm button, and Dean rounded the car to his side. "If you get a place at the apartment complex, then you get a parking spot guaranteed in here. It'll cost you a little extra, but it is worth it. I park my car here."

"You sound like you are assuming that I'll get this place. I'm sure they have other potential candidates for the place." They made their way to the building, and Cas quietly enjoyed the way their arms were close, like fabric coming into contact close. He glanced at Dean from time to time and noted the outfit that he wore. His shirt was nothing spectacular, just a white button up. He noted it though, because it didn't seem like something that one wore to a job as a firefighter. The jeans were also noted, but they seemed appropriate. They were well-worn, faded blue jeans, tight in all the right places. He stopped glancing at Dean and focused on the walk to the apartment.

"I am so charming that I will have the property manager eating out of my hand on your behalf. Trust me." Dean skipped a few steps up to the front door and opened it for Cas. "Age before beauty."

"Hey, I am so not older than you."

"Bet you are. Plus, I am way more good looking." Dean waved a hand into the hall.

Cas made his way in and laughed at him. "I look damn good." He spun around in the hall holding out his hands. "Seriously, look at this hotness. I got the windblown hair thing, and I showed up in a fine ride. Doesn't get hotter than this." Dean laughed at him and moved back to his side as they walked down the hall.

"You're a riot. Just when I think I'm hanging out with an introvert, you go and pull out the confidence." And the brush of their arms as they walked along felt like static.

"It's all just smoke and mirrors to mask my total lack of confidence. You know, fake it 'til you make it." He turned to Dean a little. "Speaking of appearances and all, do you always wear such nice clothing when you work at the firehouse?"

Dean tipped his head a little and seemed to struggle for an answer. "Uh, this isn't all that nice."

"Really?" Cas paused a little in his walking and took in the view that was Dean Winchester again.  _No, it was more that nice, it was downright gorgeous, but he was not going to say that. Button up shirts have that long line of buttons as a reminder that they can be unbuttoned, slowly, carefully. They make you think about what is just past that little stretch of fabric._

"Really. It was just hanging out in my closet. Could have just as easily worn one of my old concert shirts." Dean started walking again.

"So, you changed after you got home this afternoon?" Cas smiled at him as he poked at Dean's carefully maintained facade of indifference.

"Maybe. You wouldn't want me messing up your chances with the property manager, would you?" They rounded a corner and Dean gave the first door a little knock. The door opened and a woman stepped into the frame. "Hey, Pam. Brought you the potential renter. You up for the tour?"

Pam angled her head to the side. Cas reached out his hand, "I'm Cas Shurley. Pleasure to meet you."

She reached out, but didn't quite get to his hand. "You're gonna have to meet me halfway sugar. I kinda got this whole blindness thing going on, and I wouldn't want to accidentally grab you in a funny way." Her lip curled up into a half grin as she said it which told Cas that she was way too happy about the prospect of grabbing him in a 'funny way.'

He took her hand and gave it a quick shake. She reached up to his face and let her fingers graze his features. She settled her fingers on his forehead and he said, "Welcome to my face."

"Thanks. So, you gonna be a respectable tenant, no loud parties or whatnot?"

"Yeah, if you think you want to rent to me. Dean has said that the place is awesome."

"Well, let's take you up to see if you like it." She let go of his face then and turned to Dean. "Well, you brought me an honest one at least."

"So his face didn't do the liar wrinkle?" Dean asked.

"Nope. Got some other questions you want me to ask him?" She laughed as they made their way to the elevator at the end of the hall.

"So you were reading my face just then?"

"Maybe."

"Cool. Glad you didn't ask me anything embarrassing." Cas stepped aside as Dean stopped at a door.

She pulled out some keys and then reached out to Cas' face again and asked. "So, why do you want to live in this place?"

He looked at Dean and knew exactly why he wanted to live in this place. "I'm ready to get out of my parent's place. I've been there for roughly 18 hours and that is enough. Dean made this place sound kinda great, and I can think of worse neighbors than firefighters."

She smiled, "Yeah, Dean would be a good neighbor." She turned and unlocked the door. She stepped in first and turned on the lights. Cas felt Dean's hand on his back directing him through the door, as if he needed that. He needed that.

"Wow. This place does look great." He took in the small kitchen to the right, with the white cabinets and brushed nickel hardware. He noted the hardwood floors and the the one wall that was brick. He made his way in and peeked out the window at the courtyard on the other side. "Wow."

Dean stepped up to his side. "I know, right?" He pointed off to the right of the window. "That one over there is my place. Pam hosts little gatherings in the courtyard once a month."

"Tenant mixers," she said.

"Yeah, she runs these little paper lanterns across the space and usually has a band, dancing, and food. So much food." Dean looked like he was suddenly starving.

"Let's get this tour done and you fed." Cas stepped away and wandered off to look at the bedroom and bathroom. The place was perfect. He liked that it wasn't huge, and yet it also had enough space for what he needed. He was already mapping out where he would put his office stuff, his couch that he didn't own yet, his bed that maybe would be brand new, because his one at home was hella small. He turned to Pam and said, "So, how do I convince you that I need to be your tenant?"

"You already did. I do need to get your extra information though. I'm convinced so long as you pass the credit check and such. Can you afford the place?"

"I can. Plus, my parents have offered to co-sign should you think that is necessary. I assure you that I have a respectable income."

"What do you do?" Pam asked as they made their way back to the door.

"I edit novels for my family's publishing company."

"He edits Charlie Bradbury, Pam," Dean chimed in as he moved to the door beside Cas.

She came to an abrupt stop and said, "The Charlie Bradbury? Like the Charlie Bradbury?"

"Yes, the one and only. I take it you're a fan?" Cas smiled at the way that Pam looked in that moment, like she was about to vibrate right out of her skin with excitement.

"Tell me that you have her over from time to time and that you introduce her to your friends like it's no big deal." She had her hands to her mouth now.

Dean said, "Well, he introduced her to me and acted like it was no big thing. Of course he and I are like besties now, so…"

"Okay, Cas, so this might sound a bit forward, but you are like my literal best friend right now. This Dean guy may say that he is your bestie, but seriously, me, so me." Dean laughed as she went on. Cas joined him in the laughing.

"Pam, I'll have her over for something in the near future, and I'll make a point of introducing you to her. She'll love it. I don't think that she gets just what a ginormous celebrity she is. Kinda funny that you knew that she was a female. She doesn't share personal details like at all." Cas paused at the door as they were about to leave.

"Well, I am pretty adept at reading between the lines. She hid some clues in her magazine interviews and in her audiobook. You do know that she was the reader for that right?" Pam was beaming a little as she spoke.

"I knew. I just didn't think that anyone else knew. Guess she might not be anonymous for much longer." Cas moved out the door and into the hall. The others followed him. They took the elevator down to the ground level. They stopped in at Pam's place, and Cas filled out papers on his financial history. When they finished, he and Dean headed out to the street and lunch. He felt Dean's hand at his back again as they made their way through the door, as if Dean had a fear of doors or something.

"So, lunch now, right?" Dean said.

"Oh, definitely. You look like you are fading fast." Cas kicked up the pace. "Of course, I have no clue where I am going. You should be leading."

"You're doing fine. Straight ahead. I'll tell you if you make a wrong turn." Dean's hand fell from his back and they were back to strolling along, side by side. It was a good ten minutes before they were standing in front of the diner. It was one of those '50s themed places complete with the metal siding. There were large windows framing the front of the space, and the inside was illuminated in the normal overhead lights and the neon signage in the window. Cas felt a magnetic pull into the place. "So, this is it."

"It's neat. I can't wait to try the food." Dean reached for the door, but Cas beat him to it. "Age before beauty." Dean smirked and edged past him into the restaurant.

"Smooth, Cas." He called out to the back, "Hey, Ash." A long haired guy leaned into the space that opened up to the kitchen.

"Yo, hey, Dean! Two times in one day?"

"Stop making such good food, and I'll stay away." Ellen came over to them as they settled into a booth by the window.

"Now we wouldn't want you staying away." She leaned down and kissed Dean on the top of his head. "So, you brought this one in huh?"

"Hello Ellen." Cas reached out and shook her hand.

"Glad to see you out of the hospital, Cas. Now, if I remember right, you wanted a burger of some sorts."

"That would be great. Maybe a Coke too." Cas drummed his fingers on the formica tabletop.

"You want the usual, Dean?" Ellen smiled.

"You know me. Super predictable." He smiled back at her.

"Two cheeseburgers coming up then." She made her way to the kitchen. Cas could hear her telling Ash the order. Cas kept drumming away at the tabletop in time with the tune that was on the speakers, something from Elvis. The table had little flecks of gold on the white. He was focusing on it, forming patterns in his imagination.

"So, you really happy with the apartment?" Dean started drumming along on the table too.

"Yeah, it's downright perfect." He forced himself to stop drumming on the table and lowered his hands to his lap to just make sure that he was controlling himself. "So, when is the next mixer?"

"Couple of weeks still. We literally just had one last Friday."

"Does Pam let the tenants bring a guest to those things?"

Dean looked like he was considering the question a little before he answered. "Yeah, no one is policing it or anything. You got a date in mind?"

Cas swallowed a little at the way the question sounded. "Uh, no, nothing like that. I just thought that I would ask Charlie to come by. She could meet Pam."

Dean let out a breath and said, "Oh, she'd like that."

They sat there quietly for a spell and Cas felt a cool puff of air wash over him as the front door opened and closed, letting in some customers. Dean watched him but didn't say anything. "So, when do you have to be back at the station?"

"I don't. I got my phone on me though, just in case. They have been pretty easygoing about me taking time off here and there as I need it." Dean's look darkened a little, and Cas knew that he was thinking about Sam.

Cas redirected, "You didn't show me your place. We should stop there before I go back to the country. I'd like to see how you have your furniture all laid out. I have a mental plan for my place already cooking, but inspiration would be good to add to this."

"Uh, not sure that you will find my place inspiring anything but horror."

"Oh, why?"

"I, uh, just kinda don't think that you should see it just yet. I'd like to tidy up a bit first."

"Really not gonna judge. You did see my room and all."

Dean ran a hand back up into his hair and gazed out the window. "I'm just thinking no. Next time though. Now you have a reason to come back before the big move."

"I didn't need an extra reason." Cas wasn't sure how he planned to finish that thought, so he gazed out the window when Dean's face snapped back to his.

"You were already planning to come back out?"

"Well, yeah. Unless you're kinda over our little budding friendship thing here. I think that we should have lunch again and maybe more of the whole casual conversation stuff." Cas focused on Dean again.

"I'd like that."

"Good." Cas let his lip curl up into a slow grin and Dean's lips did the same. The way the light spilled in through the window gave Dean a kind of ethereal glow. Cas liked the way that Dean looked more golden in this light, like the sun just couldn't do anything but cover him from head to toe in her embrace. It amused Cas that they could just sit together for lengthy spells of time without saying anything, while at the same time, it felt like they were saying a whole lot.

"When do you have to head back to the country?"

Cas looked at his watch and said, "After lunch. I have to read Charlie's manuscript, and I'm hoping to work on a private project a bit more too."

"Oh, what's the private project?"

"That would be private."

"I'm good with secrets."

"Nope." Cas started drumming on the table again. Their food came to the table. Ellen slid it to them and then departed to get their forgotten drinks.

"That look like everything to you boys?" She asked when she returned.

"Looks great, Ellen," Dean said for both of them. Dean started with his french fries, plucking up one at a time and slipping them into his mouth. "Tell me about the project."

Cas stared at him, the salt on his lip was captivating. Dean licked it away, but Cas still focused. "I write a little."

"You're a writer too. Shit, I feel like an absolute slacker now." Dean picked up his burger and started eating it.

"Yes, Dean, you are a slacker. I can't imagine anything more slackerish than a firefighter. I think that you have some funny notions about what it means to write and edit things."

"Makes you way more clever."

"I'm not a published writer or anything. I just do it as a hobby. Besides, the editing isn't clever. I just know how to make corrections to other people's cleverness." He picked up his own burger now and started eating. Dean watched him for a moment as he did so. Cas felt nervous, like he might inadvertently squeeze out half the burger's contents into his lap. He leaned over the plate a little more in anticipation of that inevitability.

"You think that I might get to read it? I mean the project piece." Dean took a sip from his soda, the straw lingering on his lip even when he had finished.

"Uh, nope. Like I said, it isn't something that I do for a job. I am really not that good. I just like making up stories for me. If I thought for a second that someone I knew was reading it, I'd probably die." He was watching Dean's reaction to that, and he felt a little bad about the hyperbole.  _Have to make a better effort about not mentioning death and dying. Shit, he looks sad._  "Sorry. I don't think that you would be all judgemental or anything. I just don't think that I could handle the rest of what I would feel if I knew you were reading my writing."

The sun was settled on Dean's face in a way that kicked up the color pallette of his eyes. Cas was pretty sure that they were more than green. They were a little golden too. There were stories in Dean's eyes, and he would love to write volumes about them. He spoke, "What do you mean?"

"Huh?"

"About the part where you said that you would be uncomfortable with how you would feel, knowing that I was reading your stuff."

"Oh, I just think I would be really anxious. I'd wonder what you thought of certain lines, and if you thought I was hokey. I'd wonder if you thought I was insipid or a bit of a jerk. I'd also become insufferable. I'd want to talk about it with you until the very moment that you came to regret ever wanting to read any of it. I'd hate myself every minute of it, knowing that I was being crazy obsessed with your opinion, but I wouldn't stop wanting it." He took a breath and realized that he was sounding a little ridiculous.

"Well, then." Dean laughed and ate a couple of fries. "At least I know now what you think." He laughed again. "Just so you know, I wouldn't think you were a jerk or insipid, and if you started acting like a nutter, I'd likely tell you to shut it. We'd survive."


	6. Chapter 6

Cas floated through his days after the trip to the city. He edited Charlie's manuscript to within an inch of its life and even returned to his little project. Each night the dreams came. Some nights were so vivid that he would swear that it had been more than a dream. He felt as though he had been in a very real room with very real people.

Each morning he would snag coffee and toast to take to his office, where his family believed he was just editing away. He did do that a little, not as much as he was writing though. Pam had called him during one of his writing sessions. She asked him how soon he wanted to move in. It was all Cas could do to just reign in the enthusiasm. He wanted to say immediately, but he knew that such a life change would involve careful conversations with his mom and dad. It wasn't for permission. It was for peace that he made the effort.

Given that, he told Pam that he could be in the place by the end of the month. She seemed to be completely fine with it and even told him that he could start moving in some things earlier if he needed to do so. She told him that she could send him the keys, but he asked her to just hand them off to Dean instead. They had already made plans to meet up later in the week, plus their families were supposedly getting together for dinner too.  _Was that happening tonight?_  He tipped his head back, trying to recall just what was happening. He decided on the easier approach.

**What day of the week is it, and is your family coming over tonight?**

He waited for several seconds, which was about the maximum wait time for a Dean Winchester reply.  **It's Tuesday. It is displayed on the phone that you just used. And yeah, we are invading your house tonight.**

**Good. I was bored.**

**Seriously, come to the city then. It is too hot to go out and the ac is on the fritz.**

**Why do I want to enter that fresh hell?**

**You can rescue me in the convertible and drive me the fuck out of here.**

Cas considered the option. It sounded way better than what he was doing, which involved a whole lot of staring at his computer screen. He had edited some items in his inbox, and had felt the beginnings of restlessness taking form. Restlessness just led to Dean thoughts, so going to visit him was like cutting out the middleman.

**I can be there in an hour. You owe me a tour of your apartment, for inspiration. I could also use a second set of eyes for when I pick out furniture, which could happen today, if you are interested.**

**Anything, just get me out of here. See you in an hour.**

He dialed Charlie's number next. She picked up on the first ring. "Hey, Cas. What's shakin'?"

"Not much. You want me to drop off your fully edited manuscript when I come into town today?"

"Hells yeah. You are crazy fast. Was it horrid? Be honest." She sounded like she had been worrying over it in the extreme.

"Nah, you rock, as always. You have a ton of little things that need sprucing up, but the story is going to be a major hit. My parents need to pay you more."

"Run interference for me on that." They both laughed at the thought.

"So, I'll be there in like an hour. Gotta convince dad that he doesn't need the convertible."

"Coolio. I'll go get dressed. Call me when you get close." They hung up and Cas practically sprinted out the door.

His dad was out in the flower garden with an over large watering can. He was wearing ridiculous looking rainboots, patterned with pink with bright yellow sunflowers. "Wow, Dad. You look amazing."  _No time like the present to lay on the ironic charm._

"Well, I like to impress the city folk that like to drive by hoping to see how the other half live." Chuck grinned as he poured water over a long row of peas.

"So, why isn't Joseph helping? Isn't that what you hired him for?" Cas leaned up against the top of the garden fence. He was enjoying the added effect of the massive sun hat perched on his father's head.

"He's out there." Chuck waved out past the barn toward the tractor that Cas could now see running off in the distance. "Plus, this is a garden of salvation."

Cas raised an eyebrow. "What does that even mean?"

"It means that in the house is your mom, and out here is salvation."

"Oh, no, dad. What did you do now?"

"I blame your brother. Michael's a little shit. Remind me that I feel that way the next time that I tell you to just walk a mile in his shoes or how everyone deserves a little understanding."

"Okay, what'd he do now?"

"Would you hate me if I ran away from home and left you and your mother to deal with him?" Chuck poured out more water over the next row until the can was empty. He wandered over to the hose to refill. It would have been easier to just drag the hose around, but Cas knew that this wasn't about making watering easier; it was about making it last.

"I'd completely curse your name to all that would listen. I'd likely look for you at first though, and if I ever found you there'd be Hell to pay. So, tell me what happened." Cas climbed up onto the fence and took a seat on it. Michael stories were rarely short.

"So, you know I went into the city the other day right?" Cas nodded. "Well, popped in on your brother at the office. He was a total wreck."

"Ah, shit. That means he and Lucy are fighting again." Cas knew where this was going. Michael would likely come home for a week or two. It would be all awkward between them.

"You know it. Must be a day ending in Y. Anyway, it gets worse. So, apparently Lucy was so mad at him that she said that he couldn't read her manuscript. Said that she expected someone else to do it."

"No. Please say that you dove into relationship counseling mode alpha. We do not want this job."

"Oh, I tried. Shit, did I try. I was in his office for over an hour. You know, they should just break up. The crisis of consciousness though was overwhelming. I mean, they break up and we are stuck reading her stories, and you and I both know what kind of Hell that is. We've got two more books on her contract. Now if they get back together, we get less Lucy stories, but your brother stays in the least functional relationship imaginable." Chuck came over closer to the fence with his watering can and began pouring out water over the row of sunflowers that were a deeper shade of orange than the ones on his boots.

"So the end result was…?"

"The end result was that I agreed to take the manuscript. He assured me that it was great, that I'd totally enjoy it. I know what I'll enjoy, not watching their stupid little mating ritual every damn time one of them gets their panties in a bunch. I seriously don't need this. Don't they know how old I am"

"Meh, you are a young pup, dad. Well, glad you got stuck with it and not me. I had to read it the last time and that was pain."

Chuck set down the watering can and leaned on the fence next to Cas. "Oh, Cas, you don't know Hell. You haven't asked why I'm out here avoiding your mom."

"Oh, no. What'd you do?"

"Yeah, that. So, I maybe kinda tried to get her to take the manuscript last night."

"Well, she just said no, right?"

"Uh, I maybe kinda tried to convince her through sex." Chuck looked off at the distant landscape.

"Oh, God, dad, why. T.M.I. You are talking to your youngest most impressionable progeny right now."

"It's not like I shared the graphic details. You do know that we have sex. You wouldn't be here otherwise."

"Damn it dad, enough. I like to think that that is something from the long long ago. Better yet I don't like to think about it." Cas drummed at the sides of the fence and continued, "So you told mom that you wanted her to read the manuscript."

"Yeah, and that went poorly. She saw through my endeavors." He paused on the final word for emphasis. "I slept on the couch last night. She didn't kick me out of bed, but I certainly felt like I wasn't welcome there. She was muttering about it even over breakfast. Thus I am gardening."

"Hmm, sucks. You know we have dinner guests tonight. Hope you can patch things up before then."

"Yeah, that might happen. Any thoughts on how I do that?" Chuck turned back to the garden, but only to face it. He leaned back into the fence with his elbows.

"Well," Cas had thoughts, but not so much on that. "I could make a deal with you that might help."

"Listening."

"So, I could take the manuscript off of your hands. I could even tell mom that I am reading it for you both. I could even add that you were out here feeling plenty bad about how you treated her, his absolute sun, his goddess, his every good thing." Cas grinned fully as he glanced over at his dad.

"Okay, I know I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but you want something huge don't you?"

"For starters, you can loan me the convertible today so I can go into the city."

Chuck looked at him steadily. "Done." He pulled out the keys. "That is not even close to everything, so spill, and don't forget to include why you want to go to the city."

"I'm gonna drop off Charlie's fully edited manuscript, and I'm gonna see Dean."

"You know Dean is just coming over tonight with his family. You could just see him then."

"It's a rescue mission. His AC is on the fritz."

"Okay, but there is more. I'm totally bracing for it." Chuck looked like he meant it.

"There is more. I'm moving out at the end of the month. I don't know how to tell mom, so I thought that you might help with that." Cas looked at him, hoping.

"Oh, Cas. That's a whole other Hell for me." He paused as if considering his next words. "Still way better than reading Lucy's manuscript, so you have a deal. Let me ease her into the idea first. Also, let's make sure that it isn't tonight that we start sharing this. She's gonna be concerned enough with putting on a good show for her guests." He handed over the keys to the car and added, "I'll leave the manuscript on your desk. Good luck with it and the rest."

Cas swung his legs off of the fence and started heading for the car. He turned back at the end. "You're okay with me moving?"

"Yep. You deserve a little freedom. Your mom and I love you. You don't have to live here to have that. Your mom, she may be a little smothering, but I hope you know just how much you mean to her. You living is everything she could have ever hoped for. I think she will be upset that she doesn't get to have the pleasure of your very alive face at the breakfast table every day."

"I'll still be here a lot. Make sure she knows that."

"I will, and I'll hold you to it too." Chuck came up to him and pulled him into a hug. When he released him he said, "Now, go have fun. Love you, son."

"Love you too, dad." Cas walked off to the car, the warm sun baking the air around him. He smiled and hummed a tuneless melody as he got into the car and backed out of the yard.

Cas raced down the highway to the city. He was starting to feel like this was going to be a rather regular occurrence. He pushed in a cd that was hovering out of the mouth of the player. The volume was turned up. He did not turn it down. He got to the city and the songs became a string of REO Speedwagon's greatest hits. He rounded the corner to the apartment complex and Dean was sitting out on the front steps in a grey t-shirt, gloriously tight and blue jeans, also gloriously tight. The stereo was blasting out "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" and it was in the full lung belting chorus. He was singing along as he pulled up to Dean, and he felt like it was just so appropriate. Dean sauntered over to the passenger side of the car and leaned in.

"Is it safe to get in?"

"Get in. You are interrupting the song." Dean got in and pulled on the seat belt. Cas pulled away from the curb and continued to sing at the top of his lungs. Dean looked amused. "Don't act like you don't know it. You so know this song." Cas kept singing then and drummed at the steering wheel.

Dean sang along, although Cas wasn't sure he could really hear him over the volume of the stereo. The wind blew through their hair, and Cas decided to take the long way to Charlie's place. Life was bliss, and he intended to prolong the moment. The song ended and Dean reached over to the volume to turn it down. "So, where we going?"

"Charlie's place. I need to drop off her manuscript." Cas pointed to the back seat where his satchel rested. "After that, it's you, me, and furniture searching adventures."

"Sounds like a solid plan. So, when's your mom having us all over tonight?"

"Like sixish. You can ride back with me and go home with your family." Cas glanced over to see if this plan was also solid.

Dean was glowing golden sunshine, and Cas turned back to the road to focus. "That sounds good. Keeps me from having to hang out in my apartment while they fix the air. You don't even know how grateful I am."

"You could have just driven yourself somewhere. You're just doing me a favor by helping out with the furniture selections."

"When I get too hot, I lose all sense of self-preservation. I would have just kept on sitting in that place like a lobster in a slowly heating pot." Dean reached back and turned up the stereo a little. The playlist had moved onto "Eye of the Tiger" now, and Dean said, "Hell yeah." He turned it up louder and started playing air drums while singing, so beautifully out of tune.

Cas was laughing and singing at the same time. He took the car along the road that hugged the lake. The water glimmered a gorgeous blue under the too hot sky. He stepped on the gas more and loved the feel of being sucked back into the seat more. Dean seemed happy with the pace too. They were in a place of certain bliss. Cas gave them two more songs worth of driving before he scooped up his phone. "Here, call Charlie. Tell her we're almost at her place."

He turned down the music as he turned onto Charlie's street. "No, it's Dean. Cas told me to call and tell you that we were almost to your place." There was a pause as Charlie said something. "So, you live on Jefferson?" Another pause as they drew closer. "Yeah, I think that Cas took the most roundabout way to your place. Looks like he's parking though. We must be here." Dean looked up then and Charlie was in the upstairs window of a brownstone on the corner. She pulled open the window and looked down at them.

"Hello, bitches."

"Hey yourself." Cas called up to her, "So, you coming down or are we coming up?"

"Coming down. You got my story?" Her hair blew back a little in a fire blast of red. The breeze was doing little to curb the heat. Cas was already ready to get moving again.

"Get down here and see for yourself." Cas waved her down as he said it. She closed the window and looked like she was bounding away from it. She was out on the front steps locking her door and jumping down to the sidewalk like she knew how to fly. Dean got out and offered her the front seat.

"Nope. I want the back. I can spread out there and look at Cas' edits." They got in, Charlie in the back and she started rifling through the satchel. "Yeehaw, Cas. You totally red marked the shit out of this." She leaned forward in her seat and squeezed a noisy kiss to his cheek. "Love you so much, bae."

"Ditto, bae." They cracked up. Dean just rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, you need to drive. It is hotter than a witch's tit." Charlie and Cas both stared at Dean as he said it. "What?"

"Wow, you kiss your mom with that mouth?" Charlie said.

"You literally just greeted us with a giant 'hello bitches' so I don't see where you get to be all offended." They grinned at each other as Cas pulled away from the curb.

"So, where to, buckaroo?" Charlie leaned up into the space between them.

"You tell me. I need some furniture, like maybe a couch and a dinette. I could probably use some shelves too."

"You aren't bringing anything from home?" Charlie asked.

"Not much. I think I want a new bed too." He added as an almost after-thought. "Something bigger."

"Oh, planning some entertaining, are we?" Charlie waggled her eyebrows up left and right.

"No plans, but there's something about the thought of hauling that twin bed to the city that just seems wholly unappealing." He glanced at Dean and saw the nod of approval.

Dean said, "So, what about Clausen's over on 4th?" He turned to Charlie for approval.

"Oh, that place rocks. So much vintage stuff. Cas will have a field day." She slugged Dean lightly on the shoulder. "You are a keeper."

Cas turned the car down a side street toward the general direction of 4th Street. Their destination a few miles ahead. Dean cranked the stereo back up and Charlie started singing to "Blaze of Glory" by Bon Jovi. Dean started to turn it down. "Ugh."

"No, ugh. Bon Jovi rocks. Crank it." Charlie commanded. Dean reached back and cranked it up. And despite his displeasure earlier, he was mouthing the words right along with Charlie by the second chorus. Cas felt warm inside, in a way that was not the oppressive heat of summer. It was not the singular moment either. It was a warmth that came from wanting something that he never knew he had been missing, something that felt quite tangible in this moment. Charlie had been his friend for some time, his only friend. And Dean had fallen into his life maybe a month ago.  _Was it only a month ago?_  Yet somehow, every lonely moment, every hopeless time, was lost now in this too full, too potential rich segment of his existence. He couldn't imagine anything better than what he had within an arm's reach in this car. He looked over at Dean and sent out a silent prayer of gratitude that Dean came back that day at the hospital. He pulled into a parking spot on 4th and as he shut off the car, he looked to Charlie and sent out another prayer that was roughly the same. He felt blessed, and hoped that it would always be this way.

Clausen's was an oddity in so many ways. It was a furniture store. It was a vintage clothing store. It was a knick-knack brick-a-brack emporium. It was magical and it was all housed in a 10,000 square foot brick building. "I'm just gonna wander around for a bit first. You two go do your own thing while I scope out the place." Charlie saluted at Cas as he marched off to his lone shopping. He heard Dean comment to Charlie about Cas going off on his own.

He also heard Charlie say, "That's just Cas. He needs to wrap his head around things sometimes, and people distract him."

He wandered off to the couch section and tried out several. He sat on them in a bouncy way. Some time later, he looked off into the corner and saw an Asian screen. He made his way to it and on the other side was a teal and black couch. On the couch was Dean. "Oh, sorry. I'll go wander off over there."

"Don't be lame." Cas plopped down next to him. "So this one seems nice."

"Yeah, I thought so." Dean stretched back into the couch a little. Cas watched him out of the corner of his eyes. "Charlie said that you needed space."

"Just for a moment to get my head in gear. She knows me well. I'm good now." He stretched back into the space next to Dean and silently marveled at how nice it was. "I'm getting this couch."

Charlie came over then. "Well, you two look cozy." She plopped down on the other side of Dean. "Yeah, this is an excellent couch. The color is awesome."

"I think I'm gonna do a '50's theme, get some funky colors and trim out stuff in chrome." He was eyeing the rest of the space in front of him for further inspiration.

"Then I have the dinette for you." Charlie sprang up then and reached out to him. He took her hand, and she pulled him up. Dean followed them through a maze of couches and chairs. There were beds too, scattered here and there. "Just look at it." Charlie pointed down at a dinette that likely came from the 1950s. It had that same kind of white formica top that he had just seen in Ellen's diner, only this one had flecks of silver in the top.

"Awesome."

"And, get this." Charlie pointed at an odd mismatched collection of vinyl chairs off to the side. They were not even the same colors. One was bright, fire engine red, the next was navy blue, the next teal, the next bumble bee yellow. "You buy these to go with the table and you'll have the most awesome look ever."

Cas turned to Dean and asked, "What do you think?"

"It seems neat. I could picture Ellen doing something like this in the restaurant, so that means that it works with your '50's theme."

"I'm getting this one too." Cas was pretty happy. He set the chairs around the table and looked at them together. "Yep, this is the thing." He stepped away for a moment and looked off to the beds.  _Could lightning strike three times?_  He made his way to the beds and began trying them out one by one. Corpse pose, fetal pose, sit bounce, each posture made an appearance. There was a memory foam one, and Charlie jumped onto it next to him.

Dean came over and peered down at them from over the headboard. "You two look cozy." He repeated the words just like Charlie.

"Dean, it's memory foam." Cas rolled into a fetal position. "It remembers me." Dean came over to his side of the bed and shoved him over.

"Move it. Let me see." Cas rolled closer to Charlie and Dean laid down next to him. "Yeah, this might be the most awesome bed ever. You should definitely get this."

Charlie rolled over and faced him. Her eyes flitted between Cas and Dean on the other side. She grinned. "We are totally having a movie night courtesy of this bed."

"Consider yourselves invited." Cas rolled onto his back and moved his hands up over and under his head.

"Well, let's get this stuff purchased before you both fall asleep." Dean slid off the bed and reached out to Cas.

"So comfortable. Don't make me move." Cas closed his eyes.

In his best impersonation of the Terminator, Dean said, "Come with me if you want to live."

Cas opened his eyes. "Didn't Sarah Connor say that line?"

"In the new one." Dean's hand was still over him.

"Well, now technically it is a very popular line that has been spoken by most of the primary characters in the films as well as the comics and television series." Charlie began.

"Oh, God." Cas took Dean's hand and let himself be pulled up. "We just opened up a can of worms with Charlie, the likes of which we shall never escape."

"Do we run?"

"Oh, seriously. I'm not that bad." Charlie came around to their side of the bed.

"Hmm, she seems to be okay now. Running might still be on the table later," Cas said. She slugged him a little on the shoulder.

"Whatever. Let's go, dorks."

They decided not to take most of the items with them that day. It had been enough to pay for them. Dean had volunteered to help him pick up the items later with a borrowed truck. Cas quickly accepted the plan. They did take a box of small items that day though. Cas had picked out a couple of books with old binding,  _Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Macbeth._  He was happy with the purchases. Charlie added to the pile a small golden cat statue that waved. Dean stood behind him with a record player and several albums.

Cas had assumed that Dean's purchases were going to occupy space in Dean's place. They weren't, as he would discover later. They dropped off Charlie, and Cas got another loud cheek kiss from her. She surprised Dean by leaning over and doing the same thing to him. "I had fun you two. We should totes do this frequently and often." She bounded off in a gleeful skip.

"She's a little ray of sunshine, huh?" Dean was grinning straight ahead as Cas pulled from the curb.

"Yeah, she really is. I tried my damndest not to make friends during the whole, you know." He ran a hand up through his hair needlessly. The wind from the drive was already whipping it around into a wild chaos. "She just kept coming around though, and then it went from meetings to lunches to just hanging around her place whenever I could get up enough energy to make the trek into the city."

"She's great. I'm glad you made an exception for her." Dean reached back to the box in the back seat and pulled out the little golden cat. He held it up and made its little arm wave at Cas. This drew a little laugh from Cas.

"She may have questionable art tastes." The trip back to the apartment went quickly. Cas immediately went to the parking garage fully intending to get the tour of Dean's apartment.

"Oh, I completely forgot that you were planning to tour Casa de Winchester."

"You still up for it?" Cas found a spot near the exit and pulled in.

"Uh, yeah. Just don't want you to think that I have anything awesome going on in there. I never seem to have time to do anything with the place. It's rather utilitarian. Your place is already way cooler given the purchases made today."

"Not gonna lie, we found some great stuff. I bet your place is great too. Mostly, I just want to see where you hang your hat." They got out of the car and Dean picked up the record player and records. Cas scooped up the box and they marched out with the products of a day well spent. Dean juggled his record player over to one arm while he fished out his keys. After a little rearranging he got the door open and hip bumped it open wider.

"Welcome to the place." He walked up to the counter that wrapped around the front of the kitchen and set his record player there. On the other side was a dining room table. Cas set his box there. Dean had a massive stockpile of boxes on the table and along the wall behind it. There was a short beat up black coffee table in front of two leather recliners.

"You don't have a couch." Cas observed out loud.

"Wow. That's the first thing you noticed. What about the part where you go, 'awesome, dude has kick-ass recliners.'"

"Wow, dude has kick-ass recliners." Cas smiled as he plopped himself down in one of them. Dean stood off to the side with his hands on his hips. "What do you do when you have more than two people over?"

"That's what laps are for." Dean waggled his eyebrows a little and walked over to the curtains, drawing them back a bit to let the light in.

"On a more serious note, what do you do when you have your parents and friends over at the same time?"

"Oh, I don't really have much company. Most people just stop in to pick me up, then we head off to places more interesting. Had mom and pop over for dinner a few times. We spent most of our time at the dining room table. Mom and pop loved the meal too much to migrate away from it."

"You cook?"

"I dabble. If you hang around long enough, I might throw a steak together for ya. Or maybe you should have salad. You look like a salad guy." Dean smirked.

"Dude, totally love steak. Salad is not a meal." He got up and stretched long and tall toward the ceiling. Dean was watching him. His smirk fell away. "So, show me the rest of the space. We gotta get going soon if we are going to get back to my parents place for dinner tonight."

Dean cleared his throat and said, "Not much else to show. I mean it's pretty much this space and then my bedroom over there." Dean stepped over to the bedroom, and Cas followed him. Dean stopped in the doorway as if to say, yeah take a peek and then move on.

Cas leaned past him and then took a step more fully into the space. "What's that?" He pointed at the corkboard on the wall that had clippings and a map marked with red pins. There was a cold spot in the room that he had passed through on his way to the map. It burrowed past his skin and into his bones.

"Uh, that is a bit of a project." Cas moved closer and looked at the clippings. The cold lingered. He turned back to Dean and waited for more of an explanation. "I've been looking into Sam's death."

"I thought that he just died in an accident or something. My dad said something about bad wiring in the building that he worked in or something like that." Cas reached out to one of the clippings and read the article a little.

Dean huffed out a sigh and came over to Cas' side. "I've seen a lot of fires in my time, but I've never seen a fire like that one. I don't believe that it was an accident. I've been tracking fires around the city since then, to see if it has happened again. This one was unique though."

"Are you saying that someone caused it?" Cas turned to Dean and watched him look over the wall of evidence.

"I think that it is very likely that someone caused it." Cas wanted to ask him what made it unique, and why did he think that it was arson, but Dean seemed to become rather sad. Cas didn't want to say or do anything that would cause that to continue. He wanted to be a comfort. Dean reached up and pressed his hand to one of the articles on the edge of the wall. It was not overlapping any of the other articles and was a little separated from the others. Dean pulled his hand back and it rested on the desk beneath it all. Cas looked at the article, an obituary for Sam. He reached over to Dean and settled his hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean stiffened for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I wish that there was some way that I could help." He let his hand slip back to his side.

Dean said, "Thanks, Cas." He stalked out the door then, and turned back adding, "Come on, I hear there's this dinner party that we are supposed to be going to or something like that."

"Oh, we want to be fashionably late to that." Cas followed him out to the living room. Dean scooped up the record player. "Are you bringing that with you?"

"No. We are dropping your stuff off over at your new place. Pam gave me your key the other day." Dean held out his key ring and wiggled it in front of Cas for a second.

"Oh, cool. Let's do this thing." They wandered down the hall with Cas' stuff and Dean's armful of records. "Why are you bringing the record player and the records though?" Dean unlocked Cas' apartment and they went in.

"Housewarming gift." Dean said it all matter-of-factly and set it on the floor under the window. He walked back to Cas and took the small box that he had been carrying and set it next to the records.

"I thought that you were getting those for yourself."

"Nope. It was a secret contest with Charlie to see who got to be your bestie." Cas walked over to the records now and looked at them. They were all classics from the '50s. "I stuck with your theme."

"Did Charlie know about this contest?"

"No, that is the secret part. I just figured I'd get you something that every new apartment should have, music."

Cas stepped back from the records again and looked at Dean. "So, the results of the contest should be a secret too."

"I totally won, huh?" Dean grinned.

"Well, to be fair, Charlie didn't know, and had she known, she would have gotten a better gift than golden cat that waves. However, I do think that your gift is one that would be hard to beat. Thanks, Dean. Really."

"Okay, success. Now let's go get some grub." He threw his arm over Cas' shoulder and dragged him from the apartment. Cas liked the way that the friendship was going, the warm embers of it burning away in his chest as they walked along together.


	7. Chapter 7

The sun was low in the sky as they drove out of the city. They cranked up the music, still playing the mix from earlier. Dean sang along now, loud and still somewhat off-key at times. Cas laughed at some of his more hearty attempts at musical fortitude. Cas sang just as loud as Dean, but much more on-key. They rocked through "Bohemian Rhapsody," and threw in the head banging for good measure. It is patently impossible for anyone to hear that song and not do the head banging, Dean had claimed. They got more and more into the country and Cas wasn't even feeling the usual onset of nerves that came from dealing with family gatherings and dinner parties. This one was different. This one was just Dean's family, and that felt okay.

They turned down the driveway and could already see in the distance a pickup truck parked near the fence. "Guess dad decided to take the country vehicle." Dean got out of the car once Cas parked it behind the truck.

"That's a big truck," Cas commented as they made their way up the porch steps.

"Be glad that it is. I am going to convince my dad that he needs to let me borrow the truck so that we can move your stuff." Dean opened the screen door and motioned Cas through. "Age before beauty."

"Every Goddamn time with you, Winchester." Cas walked through anyway. "I'm not that much older than you. Like one year tops."

"Ha, you're just bitter." They could hear the peals of laughter coming from the dining room. Everyone was already seated, but they were just sipping on wine.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," John said with a wave of his wine glass. "Glad you both could make it."

Chuck chimed in, "Yeah, I should have told you that dinner started at 5:00 to guarantee a 6:00 return time." He turned back to John and added, "I swear my boy's late to everything."

"So not true. I am actually quite punctual." Dean was already at the table planting a kiss on his mom's cheek as he reached over her shoulder to grab a wine glass for himself. Cas went on, "I have never been late for a business meeting."

"True. You just make tardy appearances at all of the dinner parties that we host. Starting to think you are a little diva that needs to make a noticeable entrance or something." Chuck's grin reached his eyes. Cas wrinkled up his nose at the so not apt description of his arrivals. Dean snort laughed and tried to suppress it. Cas made his way to the other end of the table and sat across from Dean, next to his mom, who was at the head of the table.

"We're just glad you two got back before the food got cold," Becky offered. "So, we all ready to dig in?" She was greeted with a resounding yes from everyone at the table.

"This is awesome," Dean said around a mouthful of herb roasted chicken. It was Becky's signature dish, the one she would make whenever she was trying to impress someone. It was also the dish that she enjoyed making with Chuck. Cas would often see them together in the kitchen working together in some sort of seamless dance around pots and pans on the stove. Sometimes Chuck would drape himself over her shoulder, his chest to her back as he stirred the risotto while she turned the chicken on the stovetop grill. It was one of those memories that he cherished, one that created in his head the very definition of what love looked like. It wasn't groping teenagers or moonlit walks on the beach, to be true, those were great, but love, real love was the thing that lasted past all of that. It was moments years down the path of children, sleepless nights, loving and losing and crying and singing. It was the moments, when even after so much time had passed, that you just can't help but lean into the other person and breathe them in, because it is the only way to be closer to them.

"You and dad should be required to make this meal way more often." Cas added his two cents to Dean's declaration.

"You two are too kind. Your dad did the hard part. I never get the risotto just right. The one and only time I did it on my own, it turned out gummy." She threw a smile at Chuck. "Also, thanks Cas for volunteering to read the Lucy manuscript. I know what a sacrifice that is."

"Oh, it's all good. I already finished Charlie's first draft, so this should only take several years to slog through." He smiled at her and almost laughed.

John jumped in, "So, any spoilers for us on the Bradbury piece you read?"

"Oh, no way. You get it with the rest of the masses. Charlie would kill me. I can say though that it is completely worth the wait. It was the best one in the series." Cas gave John a knowing look.

"You are trying to tell me more, aren't you? Al isn't dead, is he?" John was practically leaning into his plate, his chest dangerously close to contact with his food. Mary reached over and created a barrier with her hand.

"I'm not saying a word." Cas turned his gaze back to his meal.

"Ahha, I'm right. Goddamn Al, that bastard. How did he survive? I mean there is no way, right?" John was getting all worked up in his tone. Everyone at the table was grinning at his enthusiasm. Mary leaned into his ear and whispered something. "Oh, I didn't mean to break out the language at the table. Guess I felt a little too comfortable."

Chuck reached over and gave him a little slap on the back. "Well, shit John. That's just Charlie's magic. She makes you want to cuss up a blue streak one minute and cry in your soup in the next. Gotta love that girl."

John settled down a little and stopped looking like he was going to bound off at the next available opportunity into the land of Bradbury speculations. It was endearing, Cas thought, to be so in love with a series. The talk ran the gamut of all things sensible in a polite dinner party. Chuck and John seemed to get along quite well. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, since Chuck got along with everyone. Cas threw careful glances to Dean every few minutes, but they didn't talk to each other directly. A few times, Dean was looking back. They seemed to share a few silent conversations as the rest of the table ran down the various avenues of words.

Chuck got up at one point and brought over a tiramisu in a casserole pan. John leaned back in his chair and eyeballed the dessert. He rubbed his stomach and said, "You all are killing me here. I feel like I'm gonna burst."

"Well, more for us then." Chuck laughed.

"Oh, no. I'm planning on going down swinging my fork into that thing right there. Looks good." John lifted his plate and moved it to the side. Mary, Becky, and Dean got up and cleared the plates to the sink. John started scooping out the dessert onto small plates and passing them around to everyone. John took a bite of it first and sighed around the mouthful. "Yeah, I'd trade my truck for this."

Dean laughed as he came back to his seat. "Funny you should say that, Dad. Can I borrow your truck later in the week to help Cas move some stuff?"

Cas had a forkful of tiramisu and it froze right in front of his face.  _Shit._  Becky took her seat again and asked, "What does Cas need to move?"

Cas could see the look on Dean's face shift from her to him and back. He clearly didn't know what to do. Cas decided to help then. "Uh, I was going to mention it tomorrow, but I didn't know when to bring it up." He swallowed, set his fork down, and continued, "I'm moving to the city. I got an apartment and all picked out."

Becky looked noticeably upset. "Oh." She began eating the tiramisu to cover her feelings.

John didn't seem to notice the tension as he was rather absorbed in his dessert. He responded to Dean's earlier request as if none of the obvious other issues were occurring. "You can borrow my truck. I'll need you to leave Baby with me though, 'cause your mom is working all this week out at the museum. I'm out at Bobby's off and on, and I don't want to be home bound while you are doing the moving thing."

Chuck asked, "Baby?"

"Oh, that's Dean's pet name for his car. Closest thing to a girlfriend that boy will ever have it seems." John laughed at Dean's expression and Cas nearly choked.

Dean responded, "I date plenty."

"Not that you ever bring around for your mom and I to meet." John was eyeing the tiramisu, clearly contemplating seconds. Chuck reached over and scooped out another chunk of it for him so that the decision would be out of his hands. "Why thank you, Chuck."

Mary said, "It would be nice if you brought someone home to meet us. I mean is it really too hard to do that?" Cas was doing his best to not laugh at the absolute reversal of harassment that was happening. He realized pretty quickly though that his harassment was only being delayed. Dean got up and started clearing plates from in front of everyone except for his dad.

"Look, if I ever find someone that needs to be brought home to meet you all, then I'll bring someone home to meet you all. For now, let's just say that you have met all of the people in my life that you need to meet."

"Which is none." Mary laughed.

"Which is a lengthy list of friends that are awesome."Dean set down the first set of dishes and came back for more. Cas got up to help.

"Well, at least we know Cas here," Mary waved her hand at Cas.

John mumbled around the last bite, "That's different though. I want to meet the person that is going to settle you down."

Dean came over to John and snagged the plate from him. John looked like he was planning to lick it clean. "What makes you think that I am a settling down type? Maybe I am doing exactly as I should be."

Cas took the plate from him and put it in the sink. He came back over to his chair and looked at his mom, who was rather mesmerized by the conversation. She got up and grabbed her wine glass with one hand and a wine bottle with the other. "We should head out to the porch with our wine and repose for a spell." Becky refilled Dean's glass as well, since it was closest to her.

Mary got up then too. "I'm gonna have to start brushing up on my vocabulary if we are going to be hanging around each other. I swear you all write as well as edit."

Becky laughed, "I don't have time for writing. Too much editing to do." At that exact moment both Cas and Chuck's heads tipped up in sync to look at the very interesting ceiling. Everyone noticed. "You're writing again, Chuck?"

"Got a little plot bunny in my head and had to purge it." Chuck drummed at the table like he was typing.

"Well isn't that nice. I'm slaving away on all that editing while you get to enjoy your little hobby. Clearly, I've taken on too much of your work." She did not sound angry, just spirited. Then she turned to Cas, "and when did you start writing?"

"Oh, I don't really write much. No time for that." He hoped that would be enough to move them all on, but Dean hadn't gotten the memo on how to commune with the Shurley parents yet.

"I think he might be doing the modesty thing with you there, Mrs. Shurley. He called it his project the other day." Cas just scowled at him until his mom looked back.

"Really? Have you read this so called project, Dean?"

"No, not yet anyway. I'm trying to convince him to share. Your son is stubborn," Dean added.

They all moved through the living room out to the big wrap around porch. The night air was cool but not cold. John and Mary took seats together on the porch swing with their wine glasses in hand. Becky and Chuck sat in rocking chairs next to each other. Chuck reached over with his left hand and threaded his fingers through Becky's right. Cas popped up onto the railing and pushed his back to the post. He pulled one leg up and let the other hang languidly at the side. Dean seemed at a loss at to where to sit. There was another rocker and a chair, but he pulled himself up onto the railing behind Cas. It was a funny choice, Cas thought. He could feel warmth coming from him. It was a little comforting having him at his back. Then he remembered that Dean had outed him as a writer, not to mention the whole moving secret coming out.

He drank down two gulps of wine. "So, what have you been writing, Cas?" Becky had her glass up to her lips as she asked.

"Nothing good. A romance or maybe a mystery. I'm not sure what it is yet. I just needed to get it out of my head." He looked off toward the field. The green stalks out there were high and waving in a fluid motion back and forth. The moonlight gave everything a magical glow that he felt like losing himself in.

"Tell us more," Mary said.

"Nothing to tell. I had a dream, several actually, and I typed them out. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, ever since I was in the hospital actually." He didn't want to say, ever since the surgery, because not only was it not accurate, it seemed rather distasteful. "I would rather not go into details about it. It is not anything special."

The fondness that was blanketing Mary's face also made him feel warm. He wondered what he had done to deserve it. Dean said, "You should let me read it."

"You should not be so pushy." Cas reached back a little and gave Dean a little swat.

"Boys." Mary and Becky both said at once.

Mary looked sad all of a sudden. "For a second it was almost like…" John stopped her by pulling her head over to his shoulder. He pressed a kiss into her hair.

"Crickets sure are chirping up a storm tonight," Chuck offered up.

Cas jumped on the bandwagon, "Yeah, I use to sleep out here when I was a kid just to hear them sing. It always felt like they were singing just for me. Something kinda magical about the way that all of these ugly little things gather together where we can't see them, and sing for us."

"They aren't singing for us, Cas. They are evil little plant killers, bent on our crop's destruction. The song you are hearing is their call to arms, their battle cry as they march through the fields. All of our hard work is just food for their ravenous bellies." Chuck took a breath in mid-rant. "Songs, bah. Magic, no way. They are soldiers hell bent on destruction."

Dean said in his best  _Braveheart_ impression, "You can take our songs, but you can't take our freedom to eat your crops."

"Oh God, Dean." His mom pressed her hand to her forehead. "Always with the  _Braveheart_." They all laughed though and the tension from before drifted off into the fields. They talked of mundane things and Cas focused on Dean at his back. Eventually, the Winchesters got up as if some sort of sixth sense was telling them that it was time to go. They all walked out to the front of the house together.

Dean held out his hand to Cas as they got to the porch. Cas was confused but took it. "What are you doing? Just take the key," Dean said.

"Oh, I was confused." Cas opened up his palm and Dean opened his hand releasing the key into Cas' hand.

"It's the one for your apartment. Didn't want to be obvious about the hand off since you have some issues with that to deal with and all," Dean whispered. Cas smiled at this appreciatively.

"Thanks. I'll shoot you a text tomorrow to start setting up the move."

"I'll be waiting for it." Dean took the last two steps and joined his parents and Cas' at the car. Cas followed until he was halfway to them then stopped. The air was colder there. He found himself stopping in those spots far more frequently lately. He watched his parents waving to the truck as it slowly made its way out of the driveway. He could see Dean in the back seat staring back at them. He gave him a little wave and Dean returned it.

"'Til tomorrow then." Cas turned back to the house and made his way in, hoping that he could just wander off to bed without the prolonged conversation that he was sure his mother wanted to have.

He had actually managed to successfully avoid the conversation. He was pretty sure that the avoidance was made possible by his father. The whole way that he seemed to move her as they came into the house, coupled with his lips pressed to her ear whispering, most definitely had something to do with him being able to head straight to his room. He closed the door and stripped off his layers. He pulled out a pair of sweats and a loose fitting t-shirt.

He was in the midst of getting dressed when his phone buzzed on the nightstand. Dean's name was on the screen. He opened the message.  **Sorry about spilling your secrets.**

He finished getting dressed and looked at the message again.  **You didn't know. I could have mentioned it.**

Dean replied almost immediately.  **Still sorry. Also, sorry about just the whole weirdness with my dad, and being confusing.**

Cas wasn't sure what to make of that. Was he referring to the whole Dean needs to settle down with someone conversation? Best to just ask.  **Don't know what you are talking about. Explain.**

There was a long pause. It was actually quite long by Dean's standards. One minute, two minutes, three minutes, and Cas was about to give up. He set the phone down and started pulling back the covers when the phone buzzed. He got into bed and turned out the lights. He picked up the phone and went to Dean's message.  **Guess it wasn't a big deal to you then, like it was to me. See you tomorrow.**

 _Well, okay then._  He debated replying with some comment that would draw out the communication, but he really was tired. So he set down the phone and fell into a quick sleep. There was a cold draft in the room that blew over him as his mind began to swim into unconsciousness and dreams.

This dream began differently than the others. The others began in the highrise and usually within a specific office, Sam's office. This time, though, he was in Dean's room looking at the wall of clippings. Sam stood there looking at the board. "He's wrong. He's looking for some serial arsonist, but there isn't a pattern." It was the first time that Sam had spoken in a way that was seemingly to him. Ruby came over to them then, passing right through Cas. Sam was a flicker of near transparency to her very solid essence.

"There's always a pattern. Dean's been doing this sort of thing for ages. He'll figure out whether or not I'm right." Ruby looked at the pattern of red pins, running her hand over the heads of them. "It'll make a difference on the claims that are being made. I mean if I could prove that the guy is setting fires to make the claims, then the company doesn't have to pay him, plus I look like a million bucks."

"You already look like a million bucks." Sam pulled her into a kiss. Cas turned to the wall and noticed that it was different from when he saw it before. The clippings weren't about Sam's death. They were about some family that lost all of their land and home over on the edge of town. There were fewer pins too. This was a whole different investigation.

Sam and Ruby moved out to the living room where Dean was fully invested in a video game. He was leaning forward in one of his chairs, controller in hand. Sam plopped down in the one next to him and Ruby got some paperwork from the table. She came over and sat on Sam's lap. "Here sign these so I can get them turned in tomorrow."

"Sure, what are they again?" Sam was already picking up the second controller.

"It's for our insurance stuff. It's so that when we get married I cover you and you cover me. Of course, I don't plan to die and you best not either, but I want us to be able to protect each other." Dean glanced over at Ruby while she was talking and then went back to the game.

Sam took the pen that she offered and signed without hesitation or even looking. She turned the pages and he signed. It was almost an unconscious series of actions on his part.

Ruby turned from Sam then, with her stack of insurance papers and her lip curled up into a half grin. She set them in a box that was sitting on the table. "You thinking pizza for tonight?" Dean asked, not breaking his gaze with the game.

"Sounds good to me. Ruby?" Sam looked over at her.

"Yeah, I'll go pick some up. You boys stay put." She smiled at Sam who beckoned her over. They kissed and she slipped out of the apartment a moment later.

"Things going okay with you two?" Dean asked.

"Things are great. Why?" They kept playing, but Sam glanced over at Dean.

"She just seems tense. Figured with the wedding creeping up on you two, you both must have a lot on your plates."

"Yeah, she has been a little more tense lately, but nothing too weird. Like I don't think that she is having second thoughts or anything." Sam gave up on the game and set his controller down when his character died.

"She's worried about work stuff," Dean said as he set down his controller.

"Yeah, she won't talk about it. She blows me off when I try to go there. Something happened though and it is shaking her up a bit. I need to try to force the conversation, I think." Sam wiped his hands on his jeans. "I'm sure it'll be fine. She just takes her job seriously. She's been spending a lot of time there. She's giving me a run for my money on late shifts, that's for sure."

"Hmm." Dean looked like he wanted to say something more, but he didn't. He looked off past Sam to the door, and suddenly Cas felt himself getting pulled back from the scene. He was back in the office building. He ran to the door. The fire was in the halls. He could feel the heat blistering his skin. He tried to get out through the stairwell, but the flames were already there. He was coughing now. He ran for the other end of the hall and could not get down the stairwell there either. His heart was racing.

Time, time, time. He knew that he was running out of it. He fell to his knees and looked back at the path that he had just run down. Maybe a window. There was a fire extinguisher in the wall recess. He knocked out the cover and grabbed it. He began spraying the flames nearest to him. He made his way to the end of the hall with the window and used the butt end of the fire extinguisher to break the glass. He was coughing heavily now. He summoned up all of his energy to smash the window. It shattered but was still in place.  _Safety glass._  He kept pushing the extinguisher into the glass. The window finally crumpled out in a sheet. The crisp night air rushed in on him, cool and smoke-free. He could hear the sirens screaming out in the night. There were people down below, looking up at the building. He yelled down to them, but everything was a hollow echo. Cas felt the heat behind him as it roared into greater life. The fire was being drawn to the window. He gulped down more air, not sure what to do next. Suddenly, there was a blast like a gas main had blown.

He jerked upright. He shook in the bed that should have been warm but was instead bitterly cold. He got up and put on his slippers and bathrobe. He made his way out of the room and to his office. He opened his laptop and began typing the story that was fragments and images in his mind. He worked through the details, trying to flesh out the connections between the fragments. There would be more dialogue. There had to be. He felt his body grow colder. He almost felt like he was not typing anymore, but instead he was watching himself type out the story. It was surreal.

Time passed like that. It wasn't until the eerie glow of early dawn light penetrated the room that he seemed to come back to himself. He settled his head down on the desk in front of the keyboard and closed his eyes. He fell asleep like buzz of his phone at 8:30 woke him the second time. Everything ached. He stretched back up into an upright position and flipped over his phone. He hadn't even remembered carrying it down to the office the night before.

 **We should go to the beach today. I already messaged Dean. He is down.**  Charlie's message drew him back into a fuller state of consciousness.

The next message was from Dean.  **Dude, Charlie and I want you to wake up and go to the beach with us. WAKE UP.**

Cas laughed at Dean's message and pulled himself out of the seat by sheer force of will. He was not going to be nearly awake enough to do anything, but he certainly wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to go to the beach with Dean and Charlie. After all, there might be occasions for people watching, and some of those people might be attractive, and Cas wasn't dead, so…

He stopped as he reached the door to the office and raised a hand to his chest. He could feel beneath the thin fabric of his shirt, the scar that was running over nearly the entirety of his chest. He shuddered at the thought that anyone would see it. He walked back to the main house, thinking that maybe there would be something that he could wear that might be beach appropriate while at the same time keeping him covered.

When he entered the house, the glorious scent of coffee greeted him. He walked to the kitchen as if he were being lead by his nose. No one was there, but the coffee pot was full. There was a note on the counter where he would normally stand while fixing up his mug. His dad knew him well.  _Mom and I are heading into the city to meet with Michael. You weren't in your room, but we saw the light on in the office and didn't want to bother you. We'll let Michael know that you were already burning through Lucy's manuscript._  There was a smiley face drawn next to that.  _Feel free to use the convertible if you need it. Mom wanted to take her car, since mine is apparently too 'mid-life crisis' or something like that._

_-Dad_

Cas made quick work of the coffee and bounded up the stairs. He felt energetic, now, despite having felt like Hell just a bit ago. He began rummaging through his drawers. He found board shorts that looked nice. He stripped down and pulled them on. He started looking for a high necked tank top that he could wear with it. Finding none, he went with a t-shirt instead. He hoped that it wouldn't seem weird to anyone. He did not plan to shed it even if he went in the water. He found some beach towels and flipflops in the hall closet and felt like he was plenty ready.

 **Well? Are you awake yet?**  Dean again.

Cas realized now that he hadn't confirmed a thing with either of them.  **So sorry. I am on my way now. Should I pick you up first and then Charlie?**

**Me first. She's closer to the beach. I have lunch already made, so you don't need to bring food.**

**Nice. I'll be there in maybe 40 minutes.**

**I'll be on the curb waiting.**

Cas tossed his towel unceremoniously into the back seat. He climbed into the driver's seat and was out on the road with only the slightest peel of gravel in his wake. While he drove, Cas thought about the dream and the weirdness with the writing. He decided that he needed to call Missouri. He needed to tell someone what was happening and not fear the judgement that would lurk in their eyes. Most people would think he was crazy. He was pretty sure that Missouri understood. She had seemed to understand back at the hospital. He was hoping that even just talking about it all would be enough to quiet his mind.

Eventually, he pulled up to the curb outside of Dean's place. True to his word, Dean was sitting on the steps in his so casual beachwear with a green cooler clutched in his hand. He also had a towel draped over his shoulder and Cas found himself transfixed by the sight of him as he strolled casually over to the car. He had on boardshorts much like Cas' only red. He was also wearing a long white, loose fitting tank top with virtually no sides. This afforded Cas a view of the muscles that were a part of the Dean Winchester landscape, at least along his side. This portion was even more visible as Dean lifted the cooler over the door and into the back seat.

"Ya acting like ya saw a ghost, Cas." Dean snapped his fingers in front of him as he opened the passenger side door. "You okay?"

Cas quickly snapped out of his daze and replied, "Yeah, I had a horrible night's sleep, and then some friends of mine started texting me at ass o'clock in the morning."

"You know you love it." Dean waved his hands and added, "Well, go on. Charlie's waiting."

"Wow, you really like the beach."

"I can't even remember the last time that I went, but yeah, I do. Sand between my toes, ice cold beer in my hand, and visions of the local wildlife to occupy my mind with. What's not to like?"

"Local wildlife, huh?" Cas raised an eyebrow to him as he pulled away from the curb and headed off to Charlie's.

"Yeah, no better place to gaze upon the various half naked forms. You gotta learn to appreciate the finer things in life, Cas. The beach is a good place to start." Dean reached over and punched him lightly on the shoulder.

Cas was feeling something like a runner's high as they approached Charlie's house. Dean was already texting her as they turned the corner. "When did you two exchange information? I must have missed the bonding."

"Oh, we took care of the phone thing while you were wandering solo at Clausen's the other day."

They pulled to the curb and Charlie was already bombing toward the car. Dean got out and she hugged him. He actually hugged her back and then she got in. "I see that you have learned the art of hugging back," Cas said around a smile.

"I always knew how, I just wasn't expecting one from you. Plus, I eventually got with the program."

"So, are we gonna talk about hugging and feelings or are we gonna get our beach on?" Charlie leaned into the front seat as she asked.

"Hugging and feelings talk, Dean?" Cas smirked.

"Uh, no. Local wildlife is calling. I hear their half naked bodies from here." Dean put his seatbelt back on and Cas headed off to the beach.

_ _

_Is it possible to have too much of a good thing?_  Cas had contemplated that question several times during the course of the day. There were miles of white sand and little lake waves lapping at the shore. He had thrown down his towel along with Dean and Charlie. They each stripped down to the bare essentials, which for Dean involved just taking off his top. Charlie had to remove a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to reveal a rather modest one piece.

"I was sure that there would be a bikini under there." Dean waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Don't be a creeper." Charlie slugged him on the arm. She had reached back and took Cas' hand and pulled him off to the water. Neither one of them questioned his shirt or the need for him to cast it aside, to which he was grateful. They actually swam in the lake, which Cas hadn't fully expected. He had expected to bake to a red ripe crisp out on the sand, but somehow, he never thought that he would actually swim.

Dean was an aggressive swimmer. Charlie seemed to feed off of his energy. They were splashing each other and both seemed intent on nearly drowning the other. It was all quite funny until they redirected their attentions onto Cas. Dean dove at Cas and knocked him off of his feet and back into the water. He felt his butt come into contact with the soft sand once he was fully submerged. He came up for air and Charlie was cracking up. "Well, better me than you I guess."

"What, I've been holding my own against the Winchester here. You are weak and out of practice in the field of combat, Cas. You need to work on your defensive moves." Charlie sent over a playful splash.

"You were a pretty easy target," Dean said.

Cas chose that moment to dive back at Dean, catching him unaware this time. Dean fell back and went under, but he did something that Cas hadn't done when he was the victim; he grabbed Cas' waist and pulled him down with him. "Shit." Cas barely got the word out before a mouthful of water filled him. Dean's hands slipped down a little, but still held him. Dean's back hit the sand and the forward momentum that they had experienced came to a grinding halt when he ended up smashed on top of Dean beneath the water. Dean did not let him go right away, which was a little terrifying since he had not gotten a breath in before the submerging. It was also the exact opposite of terrifying since Dean was in fact pulling him close. The water was murky, but Cas was sure that he was seeing something in Dean's expression that was best described as absolutely pleased. Air was a necessity for living though, so he squirmed out of Dean's hands and surfaced. Dean followed him.

"You are a dirty fighter." Dean laughed. He took a big audible breath and stretched out of the water toward the sun. The light danced about his hair making it look like gold was woven into it.

"How so?" Cas was breathing pretty heavily.

"When you kicked off to go back to the surface, you nearly caught me in the junk."

Charlie tisked him and said, "Now, Cas don't you know the first rule about lake fight club?"

"Uh, there are no rules at lake fight club?" Cas said it more as a question.

"Except that you don't kick a man's junk or a woman's boob. Those are the rules. All else is on the table." Charlie jumped up onto his back and wrapped her legs and arms around him like the red-headed octopus that she now was. Dean splashed at them and Cas splashed him back.

Time passed like this in good natured frivolity. Eventually, they made their way back up to the towels and the meal of sandwiches and beer that Dean had packed. They ate and drank and commented quietly on the passersby. Charlie pointed out men that she thought Cas should note, and Dean pointed out women that he thought Charlie should note. After eating their fill, they laid out on the towels and basked in the warmth of the sunshine. Cas could feel the blessed warmth slowly drying his shirt. He laid on the towel in the middle. Charlie reached over and scratched his back with her nails.

Dean laid with his head turned to him and said, "You could take your shirt off, tan a little.

Cas tensed up a little. "Nah, I'm good." He saw Dean's eyes move up like he was looking past him. "What's Charlie mouthing at you?"

"Just telling him why you want to keep your shirt on," Charlie said.

He turned his face to her. "Oh, really Miss Know-it-all; why do I want to keep my shirt on?"

"Because you are afraid that all of the sexy under it will bring all the boys to the yard." She smirked at him. He just rolled his eyes at her and turned back to Dean.

"Not ready to show off the scar." He was quiet in the admission.

Dean nodded and said, "No big. I wasn't thinking." He reached over and settled his hand on Cas' arm and closed his eyes.

Cas wasn't sure what to make of it, so he closed his eyes too, and felt the loving scratch of Charlie and the anchoring touch of Dean as he tuned out everything else.

 


	8. Chapter 8

In the days that passed after their beach adventures Cas found himself utterly and completely married to his phone. For someone that had gone virtually his entirely life without the need for friends, he was certainly learning quickly what it was to need. Between Charlie and Dean there was a near constant stream of notifications buzzing away in his pocket. They would comment snarkily on nearly everything that they encountered. One day there was a picture of Dean outside of a restaurant proclaiming that they had the world's largest burgers. The accompanying text said,  **Dare me.**

Charlie sent a picture of herself at the mall dressed in what had to be the most garish outfit she could find. It was bright yellow and littered in what looked like bee patches. She wore a bemused expression in her dressing room selfie that seemed to ask, does this work and should I buy it. Her accompanying text said,  **Dare me.**

Both he and Dean replied back with adamant  _Nos_ and corresponding reasons for them when she tried to "make them see reason." Cas had not made it back to the city as often as he had wanted, and he had wanted to participate in their daring game. He had literally nothing around his home though that was worthy of the photo. He puttered around his room and put things in boxes. Occasionally, his mom would pop in and chat with him. Some days he spent in his office, typing away or editing anything that wasn't Lucy's manuscript. He did open it and that may have been a generous enough act for the day.

He laughed as a thought overtook him. He angled the mouse cursor over the file on his screen and took a selfie of himself looking fearful in front of it. He sent it to Dean and Charlie with the message,  **Dare me.**

Charlie replied back immediately,  **No, Cas. Don't do it. It is the very portal to hell.**

Dean replied just after Charlie.  **I don't get it.**

This lead to a lengthy discussion with just Dean about Lucy and Michael. Dean already knew a little, but he needed more of the recent details. They had ended that conversation by making arrangements for later in the week. Dean would borrow the truck and come on out to the country to help Cas move. He was practically ready to go right then and there, but he knew that his mom needed to be eased into it just a little more.

His phone buzzed again. This time though it wasn't Dean. Missouri had messaged him back. He had sent her a message late the night before concerning the dreams and a desire to meet up for coffee. He worried that she would not want to get together. After all it had been some time since their last conversation. He opened the message and felt a smile tugging at his lips.  **Of course I want to meet up. Meet me at Peets.** She sent him an address too.

**What time?**

**How about 11?**

**Perfect.**  Cas looked at the time, and although he had plenty to spare, he thought that he might be able to squeeze in a random, completely serendipitous meet up with a certain firefighter if he got going soon.

He messaged Dean.  **You doing anything later? I am meeting someone in the city today, but after the meeting I might have some spare time?**

Dean replied back right away.  **Wish I could, but work.**

Cas tried another tactic.  **You have to eat sometime.**

**Yeah, eating at the station. Really can't make it work, sorry.**

**:(**  Cas felt funny texting back the emoticon the moment that he did it, but sometimes that is all that one has to convey feelings that can't have words attached to them. He was unhappy, about the lack of a meet up, but equally so, he did not want to make Dean feel bad about it. He hoped that this conveyed disappointment without blame.

**Ah, now I feel bad.**

**Sorry, :)**  It was an effort. Hopefully, it worked.  **I'll send you pictures of me eating all of Ash's awesome cooking then. Be envious Winchester.**

Dean didn't reply right away. When he did it was just an emoticon.  **:P**

It was slowly becoming obvious to Cas that his father was beginning to think of the Jaguar as more Cas' car than his own. Cas mentioned going into the city and Chuck immediately tossed him the keys. There wasn't even a question about it. He wondered if he could seal the deal on the car and just buy it off of him before he moved to the city. The late morning sun was shining on him with bright promise as he drove into the city. He decided not to show up too early, since Dean wasn't available. Luck was on his side in other ways though. There was a parking spot right in front of Peets. He smiled as he hopped out of the car and strolled into the packed place. Missouri was already there, tipping a warm mug to her lips. She saw him and waved him over.

"You look amazing." Cas leaned down and gave her a hug.

She hugged him back and said, "I was about to say the same thing about you. Where did that pasty boy go that was taking up space in my ward?"

"Haha, I wasn't that pasty. A day at the beach certainly did add some color though." He looked down at his arms which were much more golden than they had been the week before. "I'm gonna go put in an order and then I'll be right back." He took care of his coffee order and added a danish for good measure. He returned to the table and leaned back into his chair.

"So you have to tell me about these crazy dreams that you've been having." She rested her chin on her hands and stared out at him with absolute focus. She was wearing a lavender bandana over her head that somewhat contained the mass of deep brown hair that flowed out the back. She looked so much more relaxed this way than she had in the starchy hospital environment. Her white shirt was a billowy thing that reminded Cas of summer in clothing form. He wondered if it was unfair to share his dark dreams with this lovely summer woman.

"I'm not sure that I will sound at all sane sharing any of it. In fact, I am thinking that it would be better if we just visit without talk of creepy dreams and cold spots." Cas took a sip of his coffee.

"Oh, sweety. I think that you have me confused with someone else. I have total interest in this little story of yours. Now spill." She reached over and picked a small chunk of Cas' pastry and tossed it into her mouth.

"Well, okay then." Cas took another sip of the coffee then said, "So the dreams are becoming more vivid. I've seen Sam in his office. I've seen the fire. I've seen him on dates with his fiance. I mean, in the dreams, it is like I am living his life. The things I've seen seem real. I honestly don't know if I should be worried. They are not like my other dreams."

"Where did dream Sam work?"

"He seemed to be in an ultra modern skyrise. He worked on the 20th floor. He was somehow connected with finance or banking. He was maybe an accountant. His fiance worked on the floor above him."

"Where did real Sam work?"

Cas took a piece of the pastry and a sip of coffee before answering. "I don't know the exact location, but he had the same kind of job as dream Sam. It is possible that I am just dreaming these things because I have met the family and I feel guilty."

Missouri let his words sit there for a moment before she responded. "Maybe you should go see the real building. Then at least you would know if this was more than guilt." She sipped her coffee. "Also, you shouldn't feel guilty. I know that's sort of like saying don't be sad to someone that is sad, but really, you didn't know him, and you couldn't have prevented his death."

And he knew this. He really did, but like she said, it was impossible to turn off the feeling. "I'm not sure where the building is though."

"Well, that would be easy enough to find." She pulled out her phone and did a search. She turned the phone to him a moment later. "That looks like the address. What do you say to a little field trip?"

"I'm game." They finished off their pastry and carried their drinks out to the street. Missouri lead the way. Cas ambled along at her side.

"You said that you've been feeling cold spots at home too, like at the hospital?"

"Yes. They happen at night and while I type the story of the dream. Sometimes they happen when Dean is around." Missouri was a fast walker. He had to pick up his pace.

"Dean is Sam's brother?"

"Yes. Do you think that he is causing the cold?" Cas couldn't come right out and say it, but what he meant was do you think that Sam's spirit is there because Dean is there.

Missouri turned a corner and Cas fell into step a little better at her side. She stopped a moment and said, "I don't know. Some days I'm not sure I believe in this stuff. Other days it makes all the sense in the world. Today is a day in which I believe in ghosts, I guess. How 'bout if I just say that It seems plausible."

"Fair enough." They continued on their way. Several blocks later and they had come to the construction tape and chain link fence barrier that surrounded Sam's former office. Just past the fence was an added wooden barrier that shielded the area a little more, making it maybe less of an eyesore for passersby. He looked up though at the hulking mass of what remained of the building. It was clear that a fire had occurred, but the outside of the building was still rather in tact. He reached over to Missouri and gripped her arm. He felt the muscles in his legs give a little. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest. His breathing was more of a series of gasps.

"Cas, sweety. You are having a bit of a panic attack, I think." She rested her hand on his, which was still gripping her arm. "Look at me and let me be your anchor."

Cas turned his eyes from the building to her. He was still picturing it though, the window with the glass missing. He knew if he counted it up from the ground that it would be the 20th floor. He pushed that back though and stared at Missouri. Her face was serious, but welcoming. "I'm okay." He breathed out.

"Just keep breathing. Focus on that. Let's focus on other things too." She moved her hand out to his other arm and rubbed soothing circles there. "Did I tell you about the devil cat that I adopted the other day?"

"No."

"Well, let's just say that not all kittens are adorable little rays of sunshine. I haven't named the critter yet, but I am thinking that I might call her Beelzebub. My friend was trying to find homes for all of her cat's babies. They weren't exactly babies anymore. They were more like almost a year old. I took one look at little devil cat and agreed to the adoption. Even at a year old, she was pretty dang cute and still a little kittenish. She was great the first night. By night two, she had clawed up the edge of my couch and pissed in my sock drawer. Now that'll teach me for leaving the thing open, but really."

Cas was calm now. "You gonna keep her?"

"Well, now what kind of person would I be if I didn't. Responsibilities matter. You don't just cast them aside when they prove difficult." She was still rubbing his arm a little.

"I really am okay now. Thanks for this." He waved his hand out at his side.

"So, you think that you can tell me what happened?"

"The window was like it was in my dream, the building too. I've never been here. I couldn't have known what it would look like."

"Then I guess that maybe Sam is trying to tell you something." They walked away from the building, and Cas could not bring himself to look at it again. In his mind it was still burning. Sam was in there. They got back to Cas' car and Missouri leaned up against the door. "What if we do a little research into this? Say we look into the cause of the fire, the building itself, and all of that."

"To what end?"

"Maybe it's what Sam wants us to do. You said that you dream about him every night, and that every night you end up writing the dream out like a story. Sam must want you to do that. He wants you to see something. Who knows, maybe even he doesn't know yet what he is trying to show you. Maybe you are both figuring it out together."

Cas ran his hand up through his hair, messing it up immensely in the process. "Maybe." He looked at Missouri as he thought it through. "I don't know why he would think that I have any power of deduction in this. He'd be better off haunting someone else, someone like Dean maybe."

"Maybe it isn't about choice, Cas." Missouri looked at him and then tapped his chest with one long lavender painted fingernail. "Maybe it is about your heart. Maybe your heart is the only thing that can pick up on his message." She tipped her head back and laughed. "God, I sound ridiculous. You see, this is why I shouldn't believe in ghosts, and you shouldn't either. It makes us sound crazy."

Cas laughed a little too. "Too bad I already believe in them."

"Yeah, too bad for both of us. Tell you what, I'll look into the fire and such, and you do the same. We can meet up and compare notes later in the week."

Cas came off of his car and said, "It'll have to be next week. I'm moving into the city in a few days."

"Even better. I'll come over to your new place and critique your choices."

"Perfect. I'll make you lunch. It'll give me an excuse to entertain." He started to head for his side of the car, but Missouri stopped him. She wrapped him up in a hug that felt like a warm blanket, all affection and comfort.

"You call me if anything else comes up that bothers you. Promise not to judge." She let him go and he made his way to his door.

"I will. I'll likely just call once I am in the apartment, because I'll be too excited to just sit in there without company." He gave her a little wave. "Bye."

"Drive safely." She walked away from him, down the sidewalk. He headed off toward the other end of town. He figured it was roughly lunch time and he could maybe get a small burger and fries before heading home.

When he walked into the diner, he was shocked to see Dean hunched over a newspaper in one of the window booths. He walked over and leaned on the back of the bench seat facing him and said, "So, you found time for lunch, huh?"

"Yeah, well your little sad emoticon was motivating. Sit." He put the paper aside and pointed at the seat. Cas obeyed and Ellen came around with drinks, iced tea for Cas and a water for Dean.

"Dean ordered you a burger and fries. Was he right?" Ellen asked with a hand to his back.

"Yep. Looks like you know me well, Dean." He smiled over at Dean and got a grin back.

"Well, then you won't hardly have to wait then." She turned to Dean and added. "I should be able to get you out of here before the hour is up."

She walked away and Cas asked, "You get an hour?"

"Well, less. I got here about ten minutes ago. Called Ellen to see if you had come in yet about an hour ago." He was running his fingers through the condensation on the sides of his water glass.

Cas watched his fingers intently then let his gaze trail over his arms and up to his face. Dean was in his work clothes. Cas decided that he hadn't seen nearly enough of this outfit. The t-shirt had the stationhouse logo on it in white. The shirt was a deep navy blue, tight and Cas thought maybe a size too small. He had on his work pants that were held up with suspenders. Cas had not realized how much he liked suspenders before this moment. He felt his mouth opening and words formed. "You should be required to wear that outfit on the daily."

"Huh?" Dean tipped his head a little and one brow raised up with the question.

"Uh, shit." Cas realized that his thoughts had become words.  _Shit, those were out loud words. Why? Shit, shit, shit. What can I say that sounds exactly like that, but not like I am...I don't even know what I am doing. Yes, actually I do. Stare at the table. It is a fascinating table full of gold flecks like the ones in Dean's eyes. Shit, brain shut the hell up. Table, safe! Not Dean, table!_

"You okay?" Cas looked up at him as he spoke the words. Dean bit his bottom lip, and  _Good God, stop doing that._

"I'm fine." Cas looked back at the table again.

"Sure you are." Cas looked back up at that. Dean looked away. Thankfully Ellen came back with the burgers. Cas ate like he was starving. He wasn't, but the act of eating gave his mouth something to do that wasn't part of an elaborate confession.

Dean was wolfing down his food too. Cas flicked on his phone to see how much more time Dean had left. Looked like fifteen minutes. "Mind if I walk you back to work."  _Damnit, that sounded like something you say to a date. Dean is not a date._

"You sure you don't have other important things to do, like reading Lucy's manuscript?" Dean popped a french fry into his mouth.

"Wow, not doing that until the last possible minute. I will likely put that off until well after my move. You should come over when I do inevitably read it. I'll share choice passages, and you can go out and get me liquor when I need it."

"It's really that bad?" Dean looked amused.

"So bad. I will likely need to be very drunk to get through it." He laughed.

"Then count me in. I'll make dinner and bring the finest whiskey I can obtain at the Gas-n-Sip." Dean reached over to snag french fries from Cas' plate since he had finished his own. Cas swatted his hand away.

"Mine." Dean still managed to get a couple.

"Well, if you are walking me back, we better get going." Dean stood up and tossed some bills on the table.

"You put that money away, Dean Winchester." Ellen called out from behind the counter. "You too, Cas." Cas was already throwing down money on the table too.

Dean turned Cas by grabbing his shoulder. "Make a break for it before she can make us take it back." They rushed out the door just as Ellen was making her way to them. They were out of the diner and down the street before she could get to them. "Good. She never takes a payment from me willingly. It's like she thinks I can't afford it or something."

"I'd guess that she is just not wanting to charge you 'cause you are family. It's a love thing." They slowed up now that they were far enough away from the diner and Ellen. Their steps were in sync, and Cas' arm brushed against Dean's with each step. "Thanks for meeting up with me. I'll have to remember the power of the sad emoticon where you are concerned." Cas looked over at Dean and smiled.

Dean smiled back and shoulder bumped Cas as they walked. Cas lost his step a little, but he fell back into Dean's shoulder with a reciprocal bump a few steps later. "It was nice to get out for a bit." Their knuckles brushed against each other lightly as they walked. Cas felt his stomach stir a little with each moment of contact. His heart kicked up the pace. He tried to focus on the sound of their footsteps and the scent of the not so distant lake that was blowing toward them from up the street. Dean's hand seemed to flare out a little at his side. Cas mirrored the movement, thinking that it felt like an invitation.  _It's not._

Now their fingers brushed a little with each step, the warm presence of Dean's fingers at his side the only thing that he could think about. He took a deep breath. Dean did the same. Cas let one of his fingers stretch out just a little. For several steps it rested on the back of Dean's hand. Then Dean quickened the pace so that he was ahead of him. He spun around and walked backwards. Facing him, yet keeping up the speed. "You want the tour of the station?" They got to the front of the building and Dean stopped walking. Cas came to a halt close to him.

"I would, but I need to get back. I have a little more packing to do and work that I put off to come here."

"Oh, another time then." Dean looked happy regardless. His face was warm. He leaned a little like he was maybe going to hug Cas goodbye. Instead he stiffened up and gave him a bro-slap on his shoulder. "See you in a few days with the truck."

Cas rubbed his shoulder and said, "Yeah. I'd be ready tonight if I thought that my mom would be okay with it."

"Well, I gotta give my dad more notice anyway. It's just three days. It'll fly by." Dean moved off to the door. "See ya, Cas."

"See ya, Dean." He watched as Dean slipped in past the door. "See ya," he repeated even though Dean couldn't possibly hear him.

The days passed, and Cas texted both Charlie and Dean each day. Dean's replies became shorter each day. He had asked him if everything was okay, but Dean had answered with,  **I have a lot to do at work if I am going to help you move.**  It had been his longest text. The shift in his mood was odd. Cas had felt pretty good about the way that things had gone the last time that they had met up. In fact, he had even found himself dreaming that night, and it wasn't about Sam this time. It was odd to suddenly find his mind diving down this path. He had met attractive people before, and he had managed to keep a respectable distance both mentally and physically.

Dean had managed to do something to him though. It was something in the way that he could smile, even when Cas knew that everything inside of him was crying. He missed Sam everyday in the most profound way possible, yet somehow he kept going. It was admirable. It was more than that too. Dean had also chosen to reach out to Cas. The way Cas viewed it, he was a sad sap of a guy that barely seemed to warrant a backwards glance, and then Dean shows up in his life and seems to give him no end of attention. He talks to him, makes time for him, treats him like he is the kind of person that matters. Outside of his family and Charlie, that hadn't happened.

He always chalked Charlie's attentions up to a bond forged through professional necessity. Yes, he knew that they were friends, but it was different than it had been with Dean. Dean seemed to gain nothing from their friendship. He was the giver, and Cas was the receiver. He couldn't even imagine what he could offer to Dean that would even their relationship out. He opted in the moment that this thought occurred to him to make every effort towards making Dean's life better. He would find a way to give something back, he just had to figure out what.

So, time passed like this. Cas contemplating as his family pretended that he wasn't actually moving. His father gave him little tasks. His mother tried to make plans with him for the following week. When Thursday morning finally rolled in, he was plenty ready to get this all done. He flipped his phone over when he woke up and saw that he already had a message from Dean.  **You ready yet?**

**I just woke up. When will you be here?**

**I'm killing time about a mile away. Tell me when to show up.**

**Now. I'll give you coffee and breakfast.**

**I need coffee. I'll be there in a few.**

Cas was glad he had showered the night before. He dashed off to the bathroom to brush his teeth and run his hand through his hair. He got his moving clothes on, a pair of tan khakis paired with a black t-shirt. The pants felt loose enough to afford him the mobility that he would need to be helpful. The shirt was one of his looser shirts and rather comfortable. He could hear the truck crunching up the gravel driveway. He threw on his shoes and socks as fast as he could, then headed out the door. He leapt past the final three stairs and yanked open the front door just as Dean's fist was about to knock. "Well, hello yourself." Dean lowered his hand.

"Come in." Cas stepped back. "Coffee awaits." He directed Dean to the kitchen. His mother and father were already occupying space at the table. He pulled out a mug for Dean and set it next to the coffee pot. "Here ya go."

"Hello, Dean," Chuck said from behind his newspaper.

"Hello, sir," Dean replied.

"Eww. Not sure that title works for me. You mind calling me Chuck instead?"

"Sure, I can do that if you prefer it."

"I do."

"Come join us Dean." Becky pushed out the seat next to her and Dean took his coffee to sit down. "So, tell us what's new."

Dean seemed to contemplate his answer for a few moments. "Mostly just been working. I can't say that anything exciting has happened in my world lately."

Cas joined them and began doctoring up his coffee. "Well, you have been working a lot. Any exciting stuff happening at the station?"

"Not so much. There was a small fire in the suburbs the other day. Only minor damage, which is good. The shed was filled with old flammables. They were lucky that we got it under control before it spread."

"That's good." Cas scooped some eggs from the pan at the center of the table. His mom and dad made a hearty breakfast that morning.

"Oh, I also saved a cat from a tree yesterday. I thought that people only did that in the movies." Dean took a sip of his black coffee. He had added a spoonful of sugar. Cas filed away the information for later use.

Dean didn't eat, but he did keep the conversation flowing with Becky while Cas shoveled eggs into his mouth. He gulped down the coffee and then got up to take care of his dishes. Chuck got up then and pulled him into a hug. "Your mother and I are very happy for you. We just want you to know that." He pulled away from Cas then and handed him his keys.

"What's this?" Cas looked at them then back at his dad.

"You know what they are. We decided that you looked better behind the wheel of that thing than I do." Chuck reached up and cupped Cas' cheek for a moment. "Love you son."

"You don't have to do this. I was gonna offer to buy her." Cas looked down at the keys in his hand.

"Well, first off the car is a boy. Second, we really want you to have it. You have been a godsend for the company and, more importantly, for our family. Besides, if we don't let you have the car, then you might not have a reliable way to drive back to us. We want to make sure that you do just that."

Becky got up then and pulled him into a hug too. "Do you want us to help you move your stuff?"

"No, mom. Dean and I have this." He kissed her cheek and added, "I'll come for dinner next week."

"I'll hold you to that." She smiled at him and stepped back. "Well, you two better get started. Your dad and I will be in the office, out of your hair. Give us a holler if you need anything. With that they made their way out. Dean got up and put his mug in the sink.

"You ready?"

"Yeah. You okay?" He added as almost an afterthought.

"Mmmfine." Dean moved off toward Cas' bedroom. Cas followed.

"Really, Dean. Talk to me."

"I said I'm fine." Dean's voice sounded rough. When they got to his room, Cas reached out to Dean, grabbing his arm.

"You're not."

"Sam's birthday's tomorrow." Dean still wasn't facing him. "I thought that I could distract myself with your move. I think that It has only made things worse." Cas moved to face him.

"We don't have to do this today, Dean. We can do it next week even. I had no clue." Cas reached out to him and rested a hand on Dean's arm.

"No, I need to do this today. Besides, I'm already here." Dean moved away from him and seemed to survey the room. "You just want the boxed up stuff, right?"

"Yeah. I'm not taking the furniture. Gonna take the poster, though." He pointed at the poster that his father had gotten him. Dean nodded in approval. "You really sure?"

"Yes, Cas. Just, talk to me, okay." Dean looked like he was on the verge of tears. He had not realized how bad things had gotten. They hadn't been talking much the last couple of days after all.

"Talk to you?"

"Yeah, like tell me stuff. Distract me from thoughts of my brother dying right in front of me. Distract me from the fact that he is not celebrating a birthday tomorrow. Tell me literally anything." Dean picked up a heavy box and Cas picked up a lighter box. He followed him out the door and down the stairs to the truck.

"I am the least exciting person to ask for a story from. I mean, my days are spent texting and reading. Not sure why you keep spending time with me."

"You're fun."

"Ha, that's a first."

"What're you talking about?" Dean waited for Cas to open the front door.

"No one ever says, 'you know who's a fun guy, that Cas fellow.'" Cas held the door out and Dean passed. "Usually, I'm kinda the guy that just does mellow things. I'm good at holding down a pillow with my head. I can consume coffee like nobody's business. I am a third degree snarkmaster."

"How does one get to be a third degree snarkmaster?"

"Practice, young one." They made their way out to the truck and put the boxes in, then made their way back to the house. "So, we need to have a movie night, once I'm settled in. You me and Charlie are gonna watch something cheesy. You down?"

"I'll pencil you in." Dean picked up another box when he got into Cas' room and then grabbed a second one to stack on top of it. "I don't think that you needed a truck for this move. You have like, what, ten boxes? You could almost fit them all in the Jag."

"You aren't counting the furniture at Clausen's. Could you even imagine me trying to load any of that in the back of the Jag? It would be hilarious." Cas picked up a heavy box. It had his books in it. Dean watched him strain a little as he lifted it. He set down his boxes and took Cas' box from him.

"Go take the top box from my stack." Dean nodded.

Cas obeyed, and Dean walked over to the remaining box and set his new box on the top. He scooped both up together and carried them downstairs. Dean had strong arms that kept Cas' focus. He was starting to grow concerned with the amount of time that he now spent contemplating the various patches of skin that Dean revealed to the outside air. The arms were a favorite point of focus. They were broad and seemed to be powerful in a way that was also capable. He could imagine him at work hauling out the hoses, the ladders, or even just poised to do those things. He spent a lot of time imagining these things actually. It had been part of the reason that he had not been able to let himself tour the station the other day.  _Too much of a good thing,_  he had thought again.

They made the trek up and back a couple of additional times. They talked less, but Dean seemed to be okay with it. He was smiling at least. Cas started singing a little as they came down the stairs, something he had been listening to the other night while he got ready for bed. "Behind Blue Eyes" was a bit melancholy, but it had a way of sticking in one's head. They put the final boxes into the truck, and he was just finishing the final chorus. They wandered back into the house and to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottled water, tossing it to Dean as he came to stand against the counter across from him. "You okay, Cas?"

"Yeah." He drummed at the counter behind him while Dean drank his water, his throat bobbing with each swallow.

"Sad song."

"What?"

"That song you were singing. It is a sad song." Dean walked over to the sink and opened the door beneath it where he found the recycling bin.

"Yeah, I guess it is. I was listening to it yesterday. My mom's been sad, which in turn makes me feel a little bad, I guess. Kinda feel like a bad guy for putting her through this. She just wanted to keep me for a little while."

Dean reached over and gave his shoulder a good natured squeeze. "She understands though, and you aren't a bad guy for wanting to have a life outside of your parent's home."

"I know." He pushed off of the counter and said, "Enough of this emo shit. Let's get going."

Dean grinned at him. "We have been a tad emo huh?"

"Well, not me. I'm a little ray of sunshine." Cas walked off ahead of him and added, "I'm just gonna go tell them goodbye. You might want to wait out at the truck so that you don't see just how emo that is." He turned back to Dean's grin and laughed a little. Dean wandered off to the truck and Cas took care of the final goodbyes out in the barn office.

The move had been smooth. They had unloaded the truck, driven to Clausen's, and returned with all of the furniture. Dean made it all seem so easy to move. By the end though, there was just the bedroom furniture to unload, and that had actually been a challenge. "You want to take the front end or the back?" Dean had asked. Cas had opted for the front, thinking that it would keep Dean from being stuck walking backwards while lifting the massive thing.

"I am regretting getting a bigger mattress now. I swear I don't need a queen sized mattress. I barely even entertain myself in bed." Cas shifted a little and got a better grip on the thing.

Dean started laughing. "That may have been a bit T.M.I., Cas."

"I'm serious. I don't need a big-ass mattress. This is fucking heavy."

"Stop your whining. You need a big-ass mattress. You are a grown ass man, and twin beds are for kids. They're like one step away from bunkbeds." Dean took his next step a little too fast and Cas lost his grip on the mattress a little. They got back to the apartment door and had to really maneuver to get the mattress in the space. It was the final piece though, so once it was laying on the floor, Cas threw himself down on it in a dead heap. Dean did the same right next to him.

"I'm going to sleep like the dead tonight." Cas muttered, face down into the mattress.

Dean said, "Fuck that. I'm gonna sleep like the dead right now. You were right. It was stupid heavy."

Cas laughed into the mattress and felt Dean shift next to him. He didn't look up though. He didn't want to do anything that would disturb this perfect moment. A few minutes later and he could hear Dean's breathing level out into something peaceful. He turned his head a little toward him and cracked open an eye. Dean was asleep, his lips parted a little. He watched him for a few moments,  _God, you are a beautiful person, Dean Winchester._  He closed his eyes with that thought and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

It had been awkward when they woke up many hours later, Dean's hand tangled up in Cas' hair. Cas had noted it before opening his eyes. Dean woke up and jerked his hand back like he had done something reprehensible with it. Cas opened his eyes when it happened and Dean just muttered some apology. He had made some excuse or another about needing to get home. Yeah, it was awkward. Despite that though, Cas lived in a repeating memory loop that started and stopped just a few moments before Dean realized where his hand was.

He didn't see him for the rest of the day. Charlie came over though and helped him set up his place. They put the bed together so that it was no longer just a mattress on the floor. They set up the bookcases that Dean had helped him pick out. Charlie found a prime location for "Cat that Waves." Late in the afternoon, she stood at his window and asked, "So, what are they doing down there?"

He walked up to her side and looked down. "Oh, must be the courtyard party that Dean was going on about." There was a worker up on a ladder positioning some little paper lanterns across the expanse of the courtyard.

"It looks nice. I think you picked a good place. It's funny how opposite it is from your brother's place." Michael's place was more than just an opposite. It was downright ridiculous. It was some sort of ultra modern penthouse, designed to impress. Most of his paycheck likely went to the mortgage on the place. Cas couldn't even imagine living there. This was cozy and right for him. He looked back at his dining room table and chairs with their mismatched colors and thought about how out of place something like that would be in Michael's place or even Lucy's.

In addition to the bookcases that he added to the purchase pile the other day, he had also added a small table for the record player that Dean had purchased for him. He and Charlie had selected several albums to listen to during the course of the day. "Thanks for helping me get it all together today."

"My pleasure. Surprised that Dean didn't come by today." She took a seat on his new couch and plucked up her beer from the coaster that Cas forced her to use.

"He's going through some stuff. Today's Sam's birthday. I texted him earlier, but he never replied. Thought about stopping by, but I didn't want to be invasive."

"Oh, that's gotta be tough."

"Yeah."

"Maybe he went home to be with his family. They probably made plans to go through it all together." She tipped back some beer, and Cas sat next to her.

"Maybe. I just can't shake the idea that he was planning to just spend it alone in his apartment. He's not one to share much when he is depressed, so I can't picture him going to his parents to have a big group cry."

"Well, you can only do so much. Sometimes we gotta let the people that we care about just make their way through the muck, be there on the other side when they need us to pull them up to the dry land."

"And that, my dear, is why you are a writer."

They finished off the beer, ate lunch, and even set up his electronics. Charlie was rather handy in that department. He was good enough at some things, but not once it got too technical. When the first quiet notes of a band floated up to them past the closed window, they knew that the evening had come and with it the courtyard party.

"Should we go mingle?" Charlie asked as they both got up to investigate by the window. The early night sky made the lanterns look like something out of a fairy tale. There were already groups forming up down below. There was the inviting scent of food and the muffled sound of many conversations happening simultaneously.

"Would it sound completely anti-social if I said no?"

She smiled at him and said, "I think that it would be perfectly fine."

"I just feel beat, and I don't want that to be the first impression that I provide to any of the new neighbors. Plus, I kinda thought that it would be more enjoyable going with both you and Dean." He reached down to the bottom of the window and pulled up at the frame. Just outside of his window was a little fire escape balcony. Charlie leaned past him.

"We could sit out there and listen to the band while we eat dinner."

"Sounds like a good compromise." He got their to-go containers from the kitchen and two new beers. Charlie was already out on the fire escape, legs hanging over the side. The sight made his stomach do a little flippy thing. He knew that she was perfectly safe, but the idea that she was so close to the edge was a bit upsetting to his nerves.

"Grab us a blanket for when it gets cold."

He handed her the food and beer and retrieved a blanket. He joined her and did his best not to think about her legs hanging over the edge. The band started kicking up the music. People started dancing. Cas pushed aside his fear of falling and settled in next to her, letting his legs hang over the edge too. They ate and drank in quiet camaraderie. It had always been this way with Charlie, comfortable even in silence.

There was a small group of women at the edge of the party. They were animated and their laughter chorused up to the balcony like it was part of the music that the band was making. Charlie seemed to notice them too. "They're having fun," Cas mused out loud.

"Yeah, Dean is entertaining," she replied.

"Huh?" He hadn't seen Dean.

Charlie pointed at him on the edge of the group. One of the women had extracted herself from the cluster to press herself to his side. Cas felt his muscles tense up a little. Dean looked like the exact opposite of one that was suffering from depression. He was all smiles and occasional bursts of loud laughter. "Poor thing," Charlie said.

He turned to her. "What do you mean? He looks like he's plenty happy."

"He's not. Look at his eyes when he thinks they aren't looking." He wasn't sure how she could see his eyes from this distance, but he made an effort to concentrate on that. Instead, he saw something else. His mouth curled down in something most would see as a smile. It wasn't one though. It was the smile that Dean would put on when he was feeling too serious. It was a cover. By the end of the night, Dean and the woman snaked their way out of the crowds, and Cas was left feeling a little worse than he had felt before.  _At least she'll distract him._

_ _


	9. Chapter 9

Cas woke up at 3:00 am again, and the room was dreadfully cold. He had the beginnings of a dream still lingering in his mind. It was dark, and there was someone in it that he had not noted before. He was a tall figure that always had his back to him. Try as he might, Cas could not get a good look at him. The man was following Ruby. She did not seem to know that he was there. She walked down the sidewalk with her headphones in her ears, head bobbing along to the music that she was hearing. The man stayed within ten paces of her. He took every turn that she took. There was something about the way that his hands curled and uncurled at his sides. Cas felt the overwhelming urge to stop him, to call out Ruby's name, so that she could run. He knew, though, that the dream would not allow him the opportunity to change a thing.

He kept up with them though. Ruby turned at a small brownstone and bounded up the steps. The man found a spot across the street and watched the house. Cas stared up too. He could see Ruby in the upstairs' window. She was just a silhouette, but it was clear that she was changing. Sam pulled up to the curb outside of the house a few moments later. He looked across the street and then up at the house. Somehow he could tell that the man was watching, that he wasn't casual. Sam began stalking over. The man ran.

There had been several other snippets like that. He was always watching. Sometimes he was in places that did not seem possible. He was in the office building. He was in Dean's house. He was in Sam's house. He was everywhere. He had always been everywhere. And as he was starting to turn, so that Cas could finally have a vision of his face, he woke up.

So, Cas did the only thing that he could do in moments like this; he wrote. He felt the cold overtake him and the old familiar out of body experience came too. He typed and typed for what must have been hours, because the sun came up and bathed him in early morning light. He felt his body warm a little as his fingers stopped their typing. He focused on the screen. He did not even remember what he had written.

He moved out of a need to loosen his cramped muscles. He got showered and dressed, hoping that he could power through at least a few hours of existence. He looked at his phone, but there were no messages from Dean. He ate his breakfast, which was cereal. He drank two cups of coffee. He considered going over to Dean's place. He wanted to be sure that he was okay. His phone buzzed. He looked at the message from Dean.  **So sick.** He didn't reply. Instead he headed over to Dean's place to be a friend. Maybe he could whip up a hangover remedy.

Dean had opened the door by the second round of knocks. The sight that greeted him was troubling beyond what he had expected. He pushed past Dean, who practically fell to the side. "Hey." Dean croaked out. His arm was bloody, a long gash ran up it. Blood was still trickling out.

"What the Hell happened to you?"

"Too loud." Dean stumbled over to the kitchen. Cas caught ahold of him and forced him to look at him.

"Dean, what happened to your arm?" Cas shook him a little to get him to focus.

"Fell in the bathtub. No more shower door." He looked down at his arm with a squint. Cas dragged him to the bathroom, which looked like a crime scene. He tried rinsing him off, but the blood kept up a steady trickle. He grabbed a towel and wrapped his arm in it.

He grabbed Dean's chin and made him look up. "I'm taking you to the hospital for stitches. You've lost a lot of blood."

"Nah, I'm good. It's almost done." Dean looked from the tub to his arm. The room was so bloody. There were shards of shower door glass everywhere. Dean's feet were cut too. He left him for a moment and retrieved a plaid shirt to throw over him. He hoped that it would conceal some of the mess. He grabbed some flip flops out of Dean's closet and slipped them on his feet.

"Now, come on. Arm over my shoulder. That's a boy." He encouraged Dean as they made their way out of the apartment. He got him to the car, but it seemed like it took forever. Dean's feet seemed to be scraping along in a slow drag rather than in actual steps. He strapped him into the front seat and got into the driver's seat. He looked at Dean, who seemed to be losing consciousness. "Hey, Dean. Don't you dare fall asleep. You stay awake."

Dean slurred out, "Totally awake."

Cas raced for the hospital. When he got there, he didn't park in a spot; he just stopped the car right at the emergency room entrance. He yelled over to one of the nurses that came out to him. "I need help getting him in."

The rest was a bit of a blur. They wheeled Dean away and was left waiting. He looked at his hands and saw that they were smeared in Dean's blood. He went into a bathroom and cleaned himself up. He called home and got Dean's parent's phone number. They would want to know what had happened. Plus, he had lost a lot of blood, and they might be needed to help with that. He got through the explanations with his mom as quickly as possible. She was concerned and got him to promise to call back with news when things allowed. He moved out to a quieter waiting room, letting the nurse on duty know where to find him if anything happened with Dean. He dialed Mary's number. It rang several times before she answered.

"Hello." Her voice held that note of 'who are you.'

"Hello, Mary. This is Cas."

"Oh, hi there Cas. I don't have you in my contacts. What's up?" She was all cheer and sunshine.

"Are you at work?" He wanted to make sure not to shock her too much.

"No, just sitting out on the porch with a good book. How about you?"

"That's why I'm calling actually." He paused and took a deep breath. "I went over to visit Dean this morning and he apparently slipped in the shower. Took out the whole glass door. He cut himself up a bit."

"Oh God, is he okay?"

"I took him to the hospital to get some stitches. He lost a fair amount of blood by the time I got there, but I'm sure he'll be fine. I just thought that you'd want me to let you know right away. We're at the downtown hospital." He took another deep breath, hoping that he sounded calm. He didn't want her to panic and then drive over like that.

"Thank you Cas. I'm gonna come down now. Is he in the E.R.?" She sounded like she was already on the move.

"Yes. I'll see you when you get here." Cas hung up and waited. The room was quiet. He thought about Dean's words, 'Nah, I'm good. It's almost done.' He wondered if Dean meant that he was almost done bleeding because it was getting better or because he was about to die. Cas shuddered with the thought. He was rocking a little in his seat as he waited. A doctor poked his head into the waiting room nearly a half an hour later.

"You the one that brought Dean Winchester in?"

"Yes."

"He have any family coming in? I really can't share his information with anyone outside of his family."

"Yeah, his mom is on the way."

"Oh, good." He stood there a moment longer and added, "He'll be okay."

"Oh, thank God. I was worried. You could have said that right off you know." Cas was breathing steadily again. He hadn't realized that he was holding his breath.

Mary rounded the corner and came into the room. "Cas?" He stepped forward and hugged her, and then directed her to the doctor.

"This is Mary, Dean's mother."

"Good to meet you." He shook her hand. "Your son is going to be just fine. We stitched him up and we are dealing with the blood loss. He has been cooperative." The way that he said the last word let Cas know that the exact opposite was likely true.

"Can we go in and see him?" Mary seemed ready to move out the door to go find him no matter what the answer was.

"Of course. He'll need to rest for a bit though, so I want you both to keep it brief. Let me just get him moved to the new room first, and then I will come back and get you." He left and Mary took a seat by the door. Cas sat down across from her.

"I'm glad that he'll be okay. It was a lot of blood." Cas didn't mean to overshare, but the knowledge that Dean would now be okay was freeing his tongue.

Mary looked at him, and seemed to be reading something in his tone. "Cas, there's something that you aren't telling me."

"He was so upset about Sam not getting to be here for his birthday yesterday. I should have checked in on him. I just didn't. I thought that he would want space." Cas pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. He felt guilt, like somehow there was so much more to it than he could even admit out loud.

"What are you saying, Cas? Are you saying that this wasn't an accident?" Mary looked concerned, her brows wrinkling up.

"No, I don't think that. I just think that he wasn't being careful. He got drunk at the courtyard party and didn't handle himself right. I wasn't at the party, but I saw him, and I should have been the kind of friend that checked up on him. I didn't, and I feel like Hell for it."

"You have nothing to feel guilty over. If anything, I should have known better than to have taken his word for it when he said that he was fine. I, his mother, should have known what he was really saying. Maybe I did know. Maybe I just wanted to believe that he could be fine though. Maybe it's like it is right now, the way that I know that you aren't telling me everything that you are thinking." She stopped and Cas was about to speak, but she held up a hand. "I know him, Cas. I know that losing Sam was the worst thing in the world for him. He was drunk every night for the first month. The day he came to meet you was the first time he had been really sober for a long time. We worried that he would fall off the wagon again, start drinking himself to sleep every night."

"He still drinks." Cas didn't mean to share Dean's private details, but he was unable to turn his mouth off at this point.

"I know, but it isn't like it was. It's not to get drunk, to lose himself. This though," she waved her hand back at the hall, at Dean's distant room, at the hospital in general, "this will set him back. I'm afraid that it wasn't just an accident."

"It could have been," he muttered.

"Maybe, but a mother knows." She got up and cupped his chin. "Thank you for saving him, Cas. You are a blessing." The doctor returned and Mary looked down at her phone. "I called John right after you called me. He gets the worst reception out at the salvage yard."

"I can try to reach him while you are in with Dean," Cas offered.

"Maybe. He'll want to see you too, though."

"We can go see him now." The doctor motioned out to the hall and they followed him. He led them down the hall to the room that Dean was in. He moved aside a curtain and said, "I have visitors for you Mr. Winchester." He directed his attention back to Mary and Cas, "Like I said, be brief." He left and Mary made her way to Dean's side.

He looked a little weak as Mary pulled him into a hug. "My God, Dean. You've got to be more careful." She hugged him tighter.

"I'm just gonna step outside, Mary, give you both a few minutes." Cas nodded and stepped out into the hall. He saw the look in Dean's eyes as they both walked in, anger. He covered it before his mom could see it. He had John's phone number from when he had spoken with his mom. He tried it a few times. It went to voice mail. He leaned against the wall, feeling the texture of it with his fingertips. He waited. He tried John again. No luck. The clock in the hall kept clicking away the seconds. He thought about leaving, but something kept him rooted to the spot. Mary stuck her head out into the hall.

"You get ahold of John yet?"

"No, just his voicemail. I didn't leave a message."

"Dean asked to talk with you alone for a moment. I'll try to get John. Let me know when you are done talking with him. I plan to stay with him until the doctor forces me to leave." She gave his arm a squeeze and moved down the hall a bit, taking out her phone as she went.

Cas stepped back into the room cautiously. Dean was staring off out the window. His arm was bandaged and he was hooked up to tubes and equipment that was all too familiar to Cas. "Hey, Dean." He moved more into the room. Dean didn't look at him. "How're you doing."

"Great, Cas. Peachy." He looked at Cas then. Cas could see the anger from before.

"You're mad at me?"

"Nope."

"Yes you are."

"Yes, I am. I was going for irony just then." He glared over at Cas. "You didn't need to call my family over this. I slipped in the shower. It's not a fucking crisis, Cas."

Cas felt a growing unease. He was not used to people yelling at him or even raising their voices at him, and although Dean wasn't doing either of those things, it felt like he was. There was menace in the tone. It was upsetting. "You lost so much blood. I thought that you might need a transfusion. They might've needed donors, like your family."

"Really, is that also why my mom was asking me if this was really an accident?" He glared at Cas even more. "What did you say to her Cas?"

"I didn't say anything to her beyond what I saw. I didn't." He stopped.  _Why am I defending myself like this? I did nothing wrong._

"Yeah, well someone made her think that this wasn't an accident." He shifted a bit in the bed.

"You bled a lot. You bled so much. It takes a long time to lose that much blood."

"It was a goddamn accident." Cas moved away from the side of Dean's bed as he growled out the words. He faced the wall on the other side of Dean's bed. He pressed his forehead to it. He felt his body grow suddenly cold. The cold bit into him, deep into the marrow of his bones. It was like the late nights when he would write, the hovering that would happen just a breath away from his body, watching his fingers dance over the keys.

He turned back to Dean and his voice was not the quiet submissive voice from before. It was low and sandpaper rough. He said, "It may have started as an accident, Dean Winchester, but it certainly didn't end as one."

"What the Hell are you saying?"

He moved back to the bed. He hovered over Dean and Dean shrunk back into the pillow a bit. He looked like he was a little afraid, but covering it with the Dean Winchester mask of stoicism. "You may have fallen. You may have had a stupid half drunk accident that cut you up, but when the blood was flowing from your arm, you did nothing to stop it. You know how I know?" He waited a beat for Dean to acknowledge his question. He just stared. "You had two full, fluffy white towels hanging on your towel rack. they didn't have a drop of blood on them. That room was all bloody and you couldn't reach out and use one of those towels to hold back the bleeding?"

"Musta been lightheaded," Dean muttered.

"Bullshit." The cold around and in Cas grew stronger. "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. You started bleeding and you decided to just let it happen. It could look like an accident, then no one would have to feel bad, least of all you. Am I right? Answer me Dean."

"No. Why would I do that? If I wanted to end my life, I'd just do it." Dean looked desperate, like he really wanted Cas to believe him.

"Now there is the million dollar question. Why would you do it this way? Maybe because you have seen a few things. You know how certain things work. I bet you have insurance, don't you?"

"I don't know what you are getting on here, but I don't need this. You can leave, Cas." Dean tore his gaze from him. The cold became sharp, like dagger points piercing his skin. He stooped down lower.

"I'll leave, but I have one more thing to say." Dean looked back at him. "It wouldn't be like it was with that guy you were investigating, the one that set the fires. You may have learned a thing or two from Ruby about how insurance works, how the insurance only pays out if it's via an accident. Suicide makes everything null and void." Dean was breathing heavily now. Cas was too.

"Leave."

"You asshole. They don't want it. They don't. You'd kill them if you did it. They need you to live. They already lost one son. Don't make them lose the other." He sucked in a breath and felt the coldness leave him.

Dean turned to him. His voice was low. His eyes were hard. "Leave." He turned away again, but this time Cas left. He didn't turn back, and he didn't say another word.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean did not come back to his apartment. Cas waited for the tell tale lights that would have come on, the lights that he would have seen from his perch on the fire escape. A few days later, he got a call from Mary telling him that Dean would be staying with her and John for a time. That they wanted him to be close, so that they wouldn't worry while he was recovering. She had not said much more than that, and Cas did not pry, at least not much. He had asked whether or not she thought he was okay. The question had been heavy with implication. She had answered in kind. She said that only time would tell.

And like that, time passed. Cas was painfully aware of it again. Time had become a thing that he was starting to lose track of as more of it seemed to be made available to him. Whole days could pass with naps and lazy day activities. He could forget whole minutes or hours when asked what he had done on a particular day. It hadn't been that way before, and it had all changed from the moment that he had met Dean.

He thought of him often in the days that passed, in the moments that he wasn't texting him and getting back the immediate replies. He still messaged Charlie and vice versa. She was sympathetic, and told him that she would do her best to keep up with Dean. He didn't return her messages though. Cas had not messaged Dean in the days since their trip to the hospital. He figured that when Dean had told him to leave, that he had meant in all ways and forever. It was a crushing blow to him, yet he could kind of understand too. He had apparently accused him of something rather awful. If it weren't true, then he had made a harmful mistake. There was no fixing it now. Frankly, he didn't even know why he had said any of it. He didn't know what Dean's intentions were. He couldn't, so why would he make the accusation.

He met with Missouri again and they had shared their findings with each other. It included a fat lot of nothing. He mentioned how he had behaved in the hospital, and she comforted him, told him that if Dean knew anything that he would know that the words came from a place of affection and concern. She told him that she'd email him the links to the articles that she had found. He had thanked her and left.

His apartment was cold and lonely. He toyed with the idea of inviting Charlie over. He thought that he was too depressed for that, didn't want to bring her down. Instead he made a quick meal for himself and decided to edit Lucy's manuscript. He was cruel in his edits, and thorough. The markup on the pages seemed to outweigh the actual contents. Two hours in and he smiled at his work. It was not unreasonable, but it did look daunting. He would have to run it by his parents first.

Time crawled by as the night descended on him again.  _How many days had it been since Dean last spoke to him? Leave, leave, leave._ It was an echo, a horrible echo that he couldn't escape. It felt like years, but it had been less. The nights were the worst with the cold. He got up again at 3:00 am and he wrote. He had dreamed of the stranger again, the man that followed Ruby. His clothes were dark even as he watched them from under the yellow glow of the streetlamps.

He was in the office building. He was in the fire station. He was outside their home. He was still everywhere, watching, watching, watching. It was from the dreams of the stranger that Cas would often awaken in a cold sweat, heart racing. He couldn't settle down until he was at the keyboard, and it was always 3:00 am. It was always then that the story needed to be told.

The sun rose again, and he was warming gradually. His hands fell back down to his sides as he stared at the words that he did not remember typing. He clicked away from it to his email. True to her word, Missouri had sent him a ton of links. They all had at least some connection to Sam's death. He clicked on one in the middle. It had been an obituary. He read it quickly. He knew most of it already. There was an article about the fire. The fire department had gotten the fire contained by 10:00 pm. He read another article that talked about Sam without using his name. They said that a man had been brought in after being trapped in a burning building. The article had been vague on many other points too. It had said that the man's wife had been at the scene, and had been taken to the hospital to be treated for shock. Sam was not married.

He clicked away and felt a chill pass through the room again. He was afraid. He pulled his coat off of the back of the chair and onto his shoulders. "Sam?" There were coins on his nightstand. They were stacked in neat rows. He had pulled them out of his pocket at the end of the night. He felt the chill again, like a breeze just brushing his skin. "Sam?" He asked again, this time with more volume. The curtain billowed out, and the coins fell. The room grew warmer, but Cas did not feel any better.

Another week passed, and still no sign of Dean at the apartment. He decided to start letting himself see daylight again. The dreams had eased up. He had only had two of them since the coins fell. He got dressed in what could barely be deemed passable outdoor wear. He had on grungy sort of black sweat pants, and a faded green t-shirt. He had toyed with the idea of running. Enough time had passed now since the surgery that he could safely do it. He had certainly wanted to before, but now he just couldn't feel it.

Instead he just walked out of the building and down the sidewalk towards Ellen's place. He wasn't sure if this was an encroachment on Dean's territory, but it was the only diner that he really knew. Yes, it was a flimsy excuse, but he didn't care. The place was big enough for two of them, and it wasn't like Dean would be in there anyway. He was still out at his parent's place.

He walked in and plunked himself down at the bench seat that he had come to think of as his. The warm morning sun was cutting through the window in a long rectangular arch. Ellen wandered over and took a seat across from him. "You doing okay, Cas?" She reached over and rested a hand on his arm and that was all it took. He lowered his head to her hand and felt his body shake a little with a tiny sob. She put her other hand on his head and smoothed away at his wild hair. "I know sweety. Mary told me. I know." They stayed like that for a time. She just kept cooing comfort and he just kept letting her.

When he had finally gotten it out of his system, he sat up and swiped at his cheeks to destroy the evidence. He looked around the room to be sure that no one had noticed. No one was actually there. He breathed out a little sigh of relief. "I'm sorry."

"Don't see why you think you need to apologize. You've done nothing wrong." She kept her hand on his while she spoke.

"I didn't intend to get emotional about it, least of all here." He swiped at his face again, to be sure that he had gotten rid of the evidence.

"Saw Dean the other day."

Cas leaned into the table a little more. "How's he doing?"

"Better. His parents have made sure that he knows just how stupid his plan was. He could deny it all he wants, but they have made it clear that they know, and that they would not be okay. He's getting treated. They have a good therapist. Dean hated it at first, but he's going of his own free will now. He started back at work again. He's been commuting from his parent's place."

"Sounds good. You think that he is doing better then?"

"I do. I don't think that he could have been doing any worse. He had seemed like he was on a good path. When you two came in, it was the happiest I'd seen him in some time. I'm talking even before Sam's death. Dean didn't laugh much. He didn't really have friends. He had acquaintances, people that he could pick up and cast off without a backwards' glance. He didn't need them after all, because he had Sam. When Sam died, I think that he realized how much he didn't have in the friend department." Ellen got up. "Let me get some food going for you, okay. I'll be right back." She moved off to the back and he could hear her talking to Ash. She came back and sat with him again. She slid a mug of coffee over to him. She had one of her own.

Cas reached over to the cream and sugar and started doctoring it up. "It was nice being his friend too. I hadn't really had much of that in my life. I had always thought that it was a type of rudeness to bring someone into your world if your were just going to leave them."

"Sounds like someone needs to teach that lesson to Dean. Of course, I think in your case you were wrong too." She sipped from her coffee.

"Really, how so?"

"You just took yourself away from them all before they could even get the opportunity of knowing you. Not much kinder if you ask me, seeing as you are a good person to know, Cas."

"Yeah, I can think of one person that would disagree with you on that point." He sipped from his coffee now. Ash wandered out with a plate of pancakes. He slid them over to Cas with a grin. "Thanks Ash."

"Yeah, enjoy. Hope they are your thing. Ellen just kinda guessed."

"They look great. I'm a fan of pancakes." He ran some butter over them and covered them in syrup. Ash smiled and went back to the kitchen.

"Dean wouldn't disagree with me, just so you know. He's just stubborn. Probably taking an immense amount of willpower to just keep from calling you. I assume he hasn't yet. Am I right?" Cas nodded. "He'll come around. He likely thinks he's hurting you by dragging you into his depressed headspace. He doesn't like being a burden. He likely thinks that he is one."

"What should I do?"

"Give him time. He'll come around." She gave him a final pat as the door clanged behind him. "Gotta go tend to my customers. Enjoy your food, sweety." She wandered off and Cas ate in silence. The pancakes were good, and the talk too. It was good to have perspective.

After that day in the diner, he made eating there a habit. He went in each morning and ordered the pancakes, with a side of scrambled eggs. He had a coffee too. Eventually he didn't even have to say the order out loud. Ellen would just say, "The usual," and he would nod his consent. He started editing manuscripts there on his laptop. It became a second office space for him.

Two weeks into his routine, and the world outside decided to unleash a massive summer rain storm. He had his leather satchel up over his head as he burst into the diner. Ellen was at his side as he made his way to the booth. She had a towel at the ready. "Crazy, huh?"

"Yeah. It's like one minute it was 80 degrees and sunny, the next is a deluge."

"Worst part is that it didn't get cold. It's gonna be like trying to breathe in hot soup." She leaned down to his ear and said in a whisper, "Dean's at the counter." She got back up but left him the towel to finish drying himself off. He glanced over at the counter and saw the unmistakable form. Dean had his foot curled up around the center post of the seat. He had a half drunk soda glass sweating away in front of him. He was not eating. He was holding his fork though in a type of pantomime of eating. The plate was half empty, so he must have been eating before and now he wasn't.

Cas decided to look busy. He pulled out his latest manuscript. He was already half way through it. He had a green pen for this one. He began reading where he left off. The scratching sound of his pen was too loud. For some reason, Ellen didn't have the radio playing. The room should have been full of Elvis, Chuck Berry, or the Platters. There were other customers in the diner, but somehow Cas could still hear his pen over the sounds of their voices which were all just a part of the general hum of the place. He glanced at Dean's back again. He was wearing a dark green jacket. He didn't look like he was dressed for work. Cas wondered if he would be going by the apartment.  _These are all things you could ask him._ He didn't though. He didn't want to experience the moment when Dean asked him to once again leave.

Ellen brought over a mug of coffee and a look. The coffee sloshed out a bit as she set it down in front of him. A few minutes later and she was back with his usual order and another look. He ate the food half-heartedly. He looked back at Dean from time to time. He forced himself to stop looking. Dean eventually got up and was almost out the door when Ellen called out to him. "You gonna leave without saying goodbye?"

He turned back to her and said, "Goodbye, Ellen." He was out the door. He walked past the window right in front of Cas. Cas didn't look up until he was sure that Dean was well past him. He watched him go, and he felt the old sadness surge up again.

Ellen came over to him and swatted him with a towel. "You couldn't get up and say hey?"

"He didn't want that. If he did he would have said hello." Cas pushed away the half eaten food.

"Maybe he thinks the same thing. Next time, you go talk to him." She walked away then, but Cas made her no promises.

After weeks of not seeing Dean, he was now seeing him everyday. Ellen grew more and more irritated with them both. At one point, he was pretty sure that she was giving Dean the same harassment that she had subjected him to.

Some days he would leave first, other days Dean would leave first. Neither of them seemed to note the other's existence. Well, Cas noted Dean, subtly. He noted the way that he sounded when he spoke with Ash. He noted the way that he moved and also didn't move. He wanted to move to his side. He wanted to wipe away the last three weeks and just make it all okay again.

Dean didn't want that though.

He left first that day. Later, when he got home his phone started buzzing. His mom was calling. After sifting through the lengthy conversational tidbits, dad did this and that, Michael did this and that, Anna and the kids did this and that, she finally got to the point of her call. "We've been invited to the Winchester's for dinner. Are you available tomorrow night?"

"Oh, I don't know. You sure that they asked you to include me?" He wasn't sure how he could get out of this, but he knew that he absolutely must do just that.

"Oh, don't be silly. Of course they want you there. Dean's gonna be there. Mary made sure to ask for you specifically. She said they expected you to make it." Becky was off on another tangent briefly while Cas contemplated Mary's invitation. "So, you want us to pick you up on the way?"

"Uh, sure. When?"

"We'll be there at a quarter to 6. Make sure you are ready." The conversation ended with the usual terms of endearment. He hung up and wondered just how much Dean knew about the invitation.  _Does he even know that I'll be there?_

He worried about it well into the night. He did his best to distract himself. He even sat out in the courtyard late at night tipping back a beer while he edited his story. Most of it read like something new to him. He remembered bits and pieces of it, but a lot of it was foreign. He looked up at one point and noticed that there was a light coming from Dean's window. Despite how much he tried to keep himself from caring, care he did. He wondered for a moment if maybe the dinner invitation was the thing that had pushed Dean back to his apartment. If he was here, that would mean that he would not be expected at his parent's home.

Cas smiled up at his light. "Manipulative little bastard." He tipped his head back and looked up at the small patch of sky that was visible from the courtyard. It hadn't rained since the weird freak storm, so the sky was clear and so full of stars. He gathered his laptop and now empty beer bottle. He made his way back to his apartment. He now had every intention of going to the dinner. There was no good reason for the change in attitude, but he was most definitely going. That damn light in his window had somehow changed everything.

Friday morning had the scent of promise as he opened his eyes. The morning light was just breaking through the edges of his thick dark curtains. He got up in the morning and made an executive decision. Today he would run. He went into the top drawer of his dresser and pulled out the clean pair of sweatpants that had been sitting there, tempting him into activity. He pulled them on and surveyed his appearance in the mirror. He went back to his bed and sat down.

He pushed his feet into his tennis shoes and then bent down to lace them up. He reached back onto the bed and pulled a semi-clean tee shirt over. He sniffed it first and found it tolerable. He put it on and stood in front of the mirror again. He looked ready, he thought. He stretched up to the ceiling, fingers tangled together. He tested out a tiny jog in place to see how it felt.  _I'll even order a light meal today. No pancakes._  He made the promise, and after a few stretches, he was out the door.

He took a longer route that wound out past the park about a half mile from his apartment. He would also end up running past the firehouse where Dean worked.  _Dean would not be there yet_ , he thought. He pounded through the park, taking in the rush of green all around him. The air was crisp and biting. He could feel it tickling his lungs. He was invigorated by the way that it felt. The jog felt like everything he had imagined.

The jog was becoming tiring as he left the park and took to the streets again. He ran along the sidewalk and saw the firehouse just ahead. They seemed to be doing something in the side yard. The ladder was raised and the hoses were out. He slowed up and decided to take a break at the corner. He could see their efforts quite clearly. They were practicing or something; he wasn't sure. They had one person climbing the ladder while someone else was running the hose in a long line from the truck to the building. It was fascinating to watch, like a carefully orchestrated dance. He gripped the trunk of the sidewalk tree that grew up out of one of those decorative grates that one often finds in the city. He could feel his heart rate a steady pounding that was taking over every square inch of him. His ears especially could feel the bass drum of it.

He did not want to stand there for too long as his heart rate might decrease too much, and then it would all be for nothing. After all, what was the point of running if not for the heart? He turned to begin the final leg of the run, all two blocks of it, when he noticed that he was not quite alone.

Dean had just come out of the station house and was leaning up against the doorframe, staring over at him.  _Guess I was wrong about his work hours._  He gave Dean a small wave and Dean waved back then tipped off of the doorframe to walk over to him.

"So, you just hang around outside my work now too?" Dean stopped a few feet in front of him and squinted over at him.

"Uh, no. I was jogging. I was a little winded and decided to take a break." He was shuffling about and kept thinking about what his body was doing.  _What do I do with my hands? I don't have side pockets. God, they are shaking. Put them in the back pockets. NO, that will look stupid. What kind of stupid sweatpants have back pockets but no side pockets? He is looking at me. Did he say something. I need to listen better. No, I need to escape. I need to get to the diner. Make an excuse or something._

"Well?"

"Well what?" Cas matched Dean's sound of annoyance.

"What do you mean well what? I asked if you were going to Ellen's."

"Oh, yeah. I am." He looked off toward the path that would take him to the diner and then back at Dean. "So, um, your parents invited me over for dinner tonight."

"I know." Dean looked off at a point just over Cas' shoulder. "Figured you'd decline."

"I didn't." Cas watched Dean's face as it kept up a pretence of not looking at him.

"I know."

Cas felt irritated again.  _So, here we are after weeks of not talking, and all he can do is mutter at me._  He moved past Dean toward the diner. Dean fell into step at his side. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to Ellen's." Dean kept up with Cas' pace.

"No, I mean, what are you doing?" Cas stopped suddenly and looked at Dean's back, because he didn't get the memo that Cas would be stopping.

"I don't know Cas." He turned back and looked positively defeated.

"So, you don't talk to me for weeks and then suddenly you want to walk me to the diner?" Cas' tone had bite. Dean flinched.

"So, you don't talk to me for weeks and then you suddenly find yourself standing out in front of my work?" Dean's tone had bite too.

"If I recall, you told me to leave. So I left." He started walking again. He turned his head back and added, "In case you didn't notice, this is me leaving again."

He made it to the diner and went inside. He sat at his usual booth seat. He heard the door clang open behind him. Dean moved deliberately to his usual counter seat. He didn't hook his leg back behind the seat post though. Instead his feet began to furiously tap at the floor beneath him. Cas made an effort not to pay attention.

Ellen came to him first and leaned down. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He looked up at her.

"You want the usual?"

Castiel remembered his promise to himself from earlier. "No, today I would like a salad. A big salad with a lite vinaigrette."

He heard Ellen's suppressed snort of laughter just before she spoke. He looked at her, trying to read the moment. "Really, you want a salad with a lite vinaigrette? You've been coming here for months, and suddenly you want a salad."

"I decided this morning to try to be a little healthier. The occasional salad would be beneficial." He was back to his indifferent, more formal tone.

"Yes, healthy is good, but it is barely 9:00 am. No one gets salad at this hour." She turned away before he could reply and immediately busied herself behind the counter. She came back a moment later with a large salad, nothing spectacular, just iceberg lettuce, three bean salad, and some shredded carrots. Next to the salad she set down a small metal cup full of dressing. "There you go. Enjoy."

"Thanks, Ellen. Could I snag a cup of coffee too?" He chanced a smile.

She smiled back and said sure as she walked back to the counter. She started chatting with Dean but Castiel tuned them out and began munching lazily on the salad. He felt some regret at the thought that he was so close to pancakes and eggs, but they were not on his table.  _Maybe I don't need to be this healthy._  Ellen was heading back over with two plates of food. She set them down on the table. "So, Ash thought that you were ordering your usual, and he threw these together before I could tell him. You don't have to eat them, and there's no charge, but if the salad is not quite enough, well, you can have these."

"Oh, thanks." He was quiet then and stared at the plates, inwardly debating over whether or not he would deviate from the healthy promise. He flipped his coffee mug over as a reminder for Ellen for when she came back. He set down his fork and contemplated the food in front of him.  _I could jog home too to justify the excess._  He thought about that and was almost convinced.

"So, you want some coffee?" Dean stood next to the table with the coffee pot in hand, ready to pour.

"You waitressing now too?" He glared up at him.

"I believe that I would be a waiter, in case you hadn't noticed. And yeah, I saw my shot and took it."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Nevermind. Here." He poured the coffee into Cas' mug and lingered a bit. "You got quite the spread going on here. You gonna eat it all?"

"I told myself that I would be eating healthy today. I am having a hard time keeping my promise to myself."

Dean laughed a little and sat down in the bench seat opposite Cas. He set the coffee pot down on the edge of the table. Cas felt nervous about its placement and immediately moved it a little. "Looks like you need help dealing with temptation." He plucked up a fork and started slicing into Cas' pancakes. He took a thick forkful and stuffed it into his mouth. He mumbled past the mouthful, "Yeah, I can see why you order this on the regular."

"Help yourself." Castiel motioned over the food with an air of disdain that he didn't really feel. Dean shoveled a few forkfuls into his mouth, and Cas watched him for a few minutes. Finally, he broke the silence. "I don't get you."

"Yeah, well sometimes I don't get you either." Dean stared across the table at him, mouth full of Cas' extra food. Cas was chewing on a boring mouthful of salad and Dean was eating his pancakes. He was feeling the anger rise up again.

"You have no business being mad at me." Cas finally blurted out.

"You're right." The admission threw Cas. He had expected a fight.

"I'm right?" He had to ask.

Dean repeated, "Yeah, I said you're right. I'm sorry." He dipped his head back down and ate his way through the rest of the top pancake, the one with the most butter. It was melting into the middle, creating a little butter lake, and  _why didn't he spread it around? Now all of the butter will just be in the middle._  Cas reached across the table with his knife and moved the butter around the pancake. Dean watched him. Cas retreated back to his salad. Dean took another bite of the gloriously fluffy pancakes.

"So, you think you can just come over here, steal my food, say you're sorry, and it is all good now?" He didn't know why he was unwilling to accept it. He had felt like Hell for the last couple of weeks, and he maybe wanted Dean to know a bit of that feeling now. Of course, the look on Dean's face told him that maybe he already had been feeling it.

"You're right. I don't know what I was thinking." He started to get up to leave. Cas reached over and caught his arm, pulling him back.

"Wait, I'm sorry. You're trying. I just…" He looked away for a moment then back. "I was mad. I wanted you to know how it felt. I'm not good at being friends."

Dean settled back into the seat again. "You're great at it actually. I suck. I'm really sorry."

"Okay." They sat like that in silence for a time. Dean dove back into the pancakes. Cas stole a forkful of eggs.

"I thought that you were eating healthy."

"I was. Eggs are healthy." Dean pushed the plate of eggs closer to him. He kept working his way through the pancakes.

Dean cut through another wedge of pancakes and was about to bring it to his lips when Cas reached out and pulled the forkful to his own mouth. Cas let go of his arm once the pancakes were his. Dean went back to cutting into another wedge of pancakes. "So, you know, if you want the pancakes, you just had to say so."

Cas laughed at him, "This way I don't have to feel guilty."

"Don't see how." Dean stabbed another piece of pancake and watched Cas to see if a theft was going to occur. Cas just watched him, so he raised the pancakes to his mouth and ate them.

Cas smiled and explained. "I jogged today. Been planning it for some time. The doctors told me that I needed to wait for three months, at least, before doing any strenuous activities. Even then they told me to be careful. Well, today, felt like a good day for a run. I figured I should eat a healthy salad to celebrate it. Then the pancakes happened and then the eggs." Cas scooped up some eggs and ate them. He swallowed them down and added, "So, if I steal from you, it's like I'm still eating healthy. The theft is a joke; it doesn't count."

"Well, that's one way of looking at it." Dean cut into the pancakes again and Castiel planned to reach out and snag them with his fork. Just as Dean made the second cut, Castiel's fork made its move. Dean countered, though with a fork swipe. The two utensils came together like tiny swords. Castiel parried and dove at the pancake from a different angle. Dean won again and held the pancakes on his fork off to the side in a sign of victory. "Ha. Winning at the great pancake wars of 2015."

"Well, you sound pleased." Castiel tried to look significantly depressed about the loss. "It's about to drip. Eat the spoils of your warfare before you get syrup everywhere." Dean swooped the fork in a dramatic arc back over the table and toward his mouth. Castiel reached out and pulled Dean's fork to his own mouth and ate the pancake.

"Ha, winning." He mumbled around the stolen mouthful. He leaned back into the seat, a self-satisfied look on his smug face. "Sweet, sweet victory." He chewed the pancake slowly and then set down his fork.

"You seem to be pleased with yourself." Dean made a couple of quick moves to get food to his mouth before any further theft could occur.

"I am." They sat there for a time, Dean eating with less fear of food theft and Castiel just watched in quiet amusement.  _What am I doing? I was never going to talk to him again. Now, I'm stealing food off his fork and shit. I think I'm flirting. I'm not capable of such things. This is bad. I need to shut this down._  He kept watching Dean eat. The fork loaded up passing over his lips. Then Castiel remembered that that fork had been in his own mouth.  _That fork was in my mouth. It is in his mouth. It was in my mouth. Shutting down now. Window. Look out the window. There is certainly something out there to concentrate on._

"Whatcha thinking? You look bothered." Dean set down his fork and leaned back to wait out the answer.

"Nothing. My mind is a blank slate." Castiel lied quickly.

"Sure." Dean looked like he doubted him. "Really, what's on your mind?"

"I plan to keep my thoughts to myself. I have to have some privacy." Castiel kept looking out the window.

"So does all of this," Dean waved his fork over the food, "mean that we are okay now?"

"Yes, unless you act like a dope again. Then I get to beat your ass." Cas punctuated his sentence with a wave of his fork.

"Fair enough." Dean set down his fork and picked up his mug of coffee. He took a sip."I've been going to a therapist. I plan to keep going."

"Good. I think that most people probably benefit from having a professional to talk with. I went to therapy for a time."

Dean nodded and they resumed eating. "So, if I randomly start texting you again, it won't be weird?"

"Everything with you is weird, but we'll make it work." Cas' lip curled up into a half grin. Dean mirrored the look and sipped at his coffee.

"I'm glad. I thought that I really fucked everything up." Dean wouldn't look at him. He hung his head down, pretending to concentrate on the inside of his mug.

"You didn't." Cas reached over. "I missed you, ya know."

Dean looked pleased, but said instead, "Ya sap."

"Takes one to know one."


	11. Chapter 11

Breakfast together certainly couldn't fix everything, and neither did the apology, but it was a beginning. Cas went back to his apartment more upbeat and chipper than he had been in some time. He even gave himself over to editing the last of Lucy's manuscript. Well, not the last of it but almost the last of it.

His phone buzzed. He flipped it up and saw Dean's name. "Hello Dean."

"Hey."

"So, you know we did just see each other, right?" Cas moved back to his bedroom and tossed his body down in a heap on the bed.

"Yeah, I just wanted to see if you were interested in carpooling to my parent's place tonight." Dean was still missing his old confidence, and Cas wanted to just say yes, but he couldn't.

"Wish I could, but my parents are likely already on their way. I think that they want to see the place, ya know."

"Oh, well, if you want, you could go back home with me at the end. It'll save your parents a trip."

"That's a good idea. I was already trying to think of a way to take my own car out there. I like the idea of being able to just up and go when the need arises." Cas stared at the ceiling fan blades that spun overhead. He tried to pick out the individual blades by blinking.

"So you view me as equal to having your own car?" He sounded confident again, like the old Dean.

"Yeah. I sorta associate you with freedom." It was a deeper comment than Dean maybe realized.

There was a quiet on Dean's end of the line. When he spoke it was still quiet. "I think that might have been one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me."

"So not true." Cas laughed to lighten the mood. He added, "I say way nicer things to you all of the time. I once said that you smelled tolerable. I complimented your sneakers. Your car is awesome."

"Okay, okay. Can't argue with the car one. I totally don't remember you telling me that I had a tolerable smell, and as for the sneakers, well, I so don't remember that. I do remember some vague comment about my work clothes though."

Cas totally remembered that comment and decided to shift the topic to something far away from there. "So, we'll make our escape at the same time then."

"Yep. If the gathering gets too weird, you be Thelma, and I'll be Louise, and we'll drive off the cliff together." Dean laughed at his own little joke.

"Dean," Dean stopped laughing. Cas continued, "So, you do know that Thelma and Louise like died at the end right? Pretty sure the dinner won't be that bad."

"I didn't mean it that way. There just aren't many good movie references that I could make at the moment with two characters that use a car to race away from something."

"Hmm."

"What do you mean with your humming?"

"Just, hmmm." Cas laughed a little.

"Explain."

"Well, I may not be a pop culture genius, but there are many, many references that you could have made, and I am going to read between the lines on your little selection for some time to come."

"Oh really?" Dean had a little uptick to his tone when he asked.

"Yes, really. I could probably write volumes on what you meant by it. Anyway, I guess I'll see you in a few hours then."

"Yeah, talk to ya later, Cas."

"Well, unless you call me again in like ten minutes or something." Cas laughed at him.

"Dude, I was just trying to carpool. Ya know, saving the environment."

"You missed me." Cas said it in his sappiest tone.

Dean replied, all serious, "I really did."

Cas made short work of the tour around his apartment. His mother commented more than once on the size of the place. She had apparently been expecting a Michael sized penthouse or something. Cas was happy with the size. His father liked the furniture. He had said that it seemed like Cas' personality, all the colors. Cas gave him a little half hug for that. They wandered down to the car, where they found Dean. He was parked next to the Jaguar with his engine running. He rolled down the window. "You waiting for us?" Cas leaned down to the window and rested his arms on it as he came down into a crouch.

"Yeah, it occurred to me that you all maybe didn't know how to get to my parent's place. Figured I could lead the way, ya know caravan style." Dean waved out the window at Chuck and Becky.

Chuck crouched down next to Cas. "So, we parked up a few spots away. Following you sounds like a good plan."

Cas got up then and moved over to his parents again. They waved again and headed up the slope to the car. Cas looked back and saw that Dean was watching them go, He quickly turned away when Cas caught his eye. He pulled his phone up to the steering wheel and made like he was checking his messages. "He sure is a thoughtful young man." Becky offered up.

Cas tipped his head a little and considered her words. "He is."

"Have you been spending time together lately?" she asked as they got into the car.

"Not much?" He sensed that there was more to the question. "Why do you ask?"

Chuck pulled the car out and crept down the slope. Dean backed out and they followed him to the exit. Becky turned a little in her seat to look at him. "Mary may have said some things."

"Like what?" Cas bristled a little. He did not want to be having this discussion. It felt like gossip. It felt like opening up a floodgate.

"She said that Dean was moping and miserable. She said that he had been injured recently and that he was recovering at home." Becky paused and looked at him as if expecting him to tell her about that detail a little."

"And?" He prodded instead of contributing.

"She may have implied that the two of you had had a falling out of some sorts. She didn't seem to know why, or she wouldn't say." Becky paused again as if Cas should begin filling in the blanks.

"We had a minor disagreement. We're fine now. We even had breakfast over at Ellen's this morning. No big." He learned a long time ago that the best way to deal with his mom's worries included plenty of understatement. He caught a look from his father in the rearview that said, that he knew exactly what was going on. Becky gave up, seeing as Cas was being uncooperative. He turned the subject down another path. "So, I may have read nearly all of Lucy's manuscript."

"Oh, Cas. You are up for sainthood now." Chuck drummed at the steering wheel in delight.

Becky added, "Seriously, we don't pay you enough. Chuck, when was the last time that we gave Cas a raise?"

Chuck looked up into the mirror again and said, "Well, we did just give him a Jaguar, so I don't feel any pressing urge to pay Cas any more."

Cas laughed. "I'll remember that next time you offer up a Lucy manuscript. Did Michael work things out with her yet?"

Becky rolled her eyes and said, "Yes. They are swimming in seas of love. Everything is passion and blah, blah, blah."

"Wow, mom, and I thought that you were the hopeless romantic." Cas watched the road ahead as Dean's brake lights came on. He turned down a small side road that had two big fields on either side. Looked like maybe the Winchester's were just as much country folk as the Shurleys.

"Sorry, not a fan. I don't like how she manipulates people. Michael's even changed." She looked sad, and Cas reached out to her and gave her arm a little squeeze.

"Well, there's always one black sheep in the family." He smirked.

"Oh, Cas." She swatted at him now. They continued on down the road for awhile. At the end of the road, there was a large white house with ornate Victorian trimmings. It was uncommon to see a home like this in this part of the country. The Victorian era look was much more common on the east and west coast.

They pulled up behind Dean and got out. Dean wandered over to them and said, "Welcome to Casa de Winchester."

The screen door opened and closed with a bang. Mary and John stood on the front porch ready to greet them. Ruby came out a moment later and stood off to the side. John called down, "So, I can see you got an escort."

"Yeah, your son is a real help. I'm not sure my GPS would have gotten us here. It was losing connection with the satellite back on the 53."

They walked up the steps and did the awkward little greeting thing, that was less awkward because they had at least done it before at the Shurley place. Cas made a point of giving Ruby a hug. She hugged him back and said, "So, we do the hug thing now?"

"Yeah, I'm apparently a hugger."

Dean stood next to them and grinned. "He really is." They went inside and got a mini-tour of the downstairs. They were handed wine glasses and Mary poured. They made their way to the other end of the kitchen and John started handing out plates.

"We were thinking that we could dish up in here and then eat out back." John pointed off toward the back door. "I have some steaks grilling up out there, so don't think that we are just eating side dishes." They all laughed and started dishing up. They made their way out to the back yard and the lovely long table that had little mason jars with tea candles in them.

Becky tapped one and said, "These are great. I need to remember to do this the next time that we host." Chuck nodded in agreement.

John called over from the grill, "So who here wants a rare steak?"

Ruby raised her hand. "You know me, pops. Love me some bloody steak."

John grabbed one of the steaks off of the fire with his long fork and brought it over to Ruby. "Look okay to you?"

Ruby grinned. "Oh yeah."

John went back to the grill. "Now, who was hoping for a medium steak?"

Pretty much everyone raised their hands now. Mary was the lone hold out; she got the medium-well. John brought everyone their steaks, and they all dove in at once. They ate and drank, laughed and joked. Dean looked like he had found his lightness again as he tossed a small hunk of biscuit at Ruby. She reciprocated in kind. The sun was setting and the land around the house looked like something out of a picture book for good country living.

"God, it's beautiful here," Becky said. The rosy sky illuminated her in a way that took off years and made her the woman that hadn't spent the better part of the last decade worrying over her dying son.

Mary grinned at her and said, "It's funny." She sipped her wine. "I thought the same thing at your place, and then I realized why. They're the same. We both have old houses full of all that family love, and acres and acres of land all around us to shelter us from the sometimes too big world."

"It's true." Becky leaned over the distance between them and gave Mary's arm a little squeeze. They seemed to share a bond in that moment, one mother to the other. They both knew of all the ways that loss could hurt. For his mom it had been only a prolonged possibility of loss, while for Mary it had been the quick tear of loss that no one can ever be ready for. Even still, they knew, and they found something with each other in that moment that eased it a little.

Perhaps to ease the momentary seriousness John spoke, "So Ruby and Dean…" They looked up at him, each coming out of their silent contemplations. "You should both take Cas on the tour before the sun sets fully."

"Oh, Hell yeah." Ruby was already up on her feet. Dean just grinned at her.

"You've been chomping at the bit for a rematch forever." Dean got up then too. He looked over at Cas and said, "Well, come on."

Cas got up, having no clue what was happening. "Uh, you people take your tours way too seriously it seems."

John laughed at that. "They should be all gassed up. Make sure he sees the wisteria. It's in bloom."

"Can't be. It doesn't bloom this time of year," Ruby said over her shoulder, clearly trying to get a head start on whatever it was that they were doing.

"Tell that to the wisteria as you stare at its awesomeness." He looked over at Cas and added, "Don't let them just race through it. Make them stop so you can actually see it. Mary spent forever on it, and I like to hear people sing her praises over things like this."

"Oh, John. Let them go have fun." Mary waved them off, and Cas saw something in the look that she gave John that made him wonder if maybe they were all planning to send them off so that they could discuss something with his own parents in private.  _Maybe they wanted to talk about Dean or the falling out that was all better now._  He wondered, but Dean was dragging him off, so he let that go.

"Come on slow poke. She's already way ahead." He was practically sprinting now. There was a barn in the distance and Ruby was already heaving the the big red door aside.

"Cheater. The race doesn't start on foot." Dean dragged Cas in on her heels.

They all stood for a moment in front of three ATVs. One had a little trailer attached to it full of some sort of liquid. "Should we detach it or have one of us take the handicap?" Ruby turned to Dean with the question.

"Rock, paper, scissors for it?" He raised an eyebrow. They played the game. "Son of a bitch." Dean muttered as Ruby won.

"You get the extra weight, and ten seconds lead time." She smirked over at Cas.

"No way. Twenty seconds. Be fair." Dean marched over to the ATV on the left. Ruby mounted the one on the right. Cas just stood there.

Ruby looked back at Cas then over to Dean. "Well, looks like you'll need it. The boy doesn't even seem to know how to get on one." She laughed. "Twenty seconds starting now." She looked at her wristwatch and started her ATV.

"Goddamnit Cas, get on!" Dean yelled at him as he started the vehicle. Cas got on behind Dean, and Dean whipped the vehicle in a fast arc around and out of the barn. They barreled out the door, and Cas thought that life would no longer be long.  _Well, it was nice, briefly._  They hit a pothole and he gripped Dean's waist. He had not been holding onto Dean at first; he had been holding the back of the seat that protruded up. Dean was a cackling bit of laughter. "We're gonna beat her. Ruby knows no rules. She's a cheater, and she always wins." Dean shouted back over his shoulder. He seemed to know the route well. He jerked the handlebar steering wheel and they slid into a turn that took them down a dirt path between high rows of corn.

"You're insane!" Cas yelled near his ear. His body now fully pressed to Dean's back. Under normal circumstances that might have affected him, but not today, not with all the fear that they were nearing something like violent death. And he had only just recently learned what it was to enjoy life. He was clinging to Dean now, unashamedly and Dean gave the vehicle more gas as the trail stretched out long and straight ahead of them.

"You okay?" Dean yelled back.

"Scared shitless. You?"

"Happy as the day is long. Hold on!" Dean yelled just before whipping the ATV onto another path.  _Hold on? As if he had let go._  He somehow managed to move his arms around Dean more after the directive though, his right hand, so far around Dean that it clung to his left side, his left hand to the right. So long as they were on the straight paths he could get control of his breathing. The turns were the literal worst. The path that they were on dipped down a long slope. He could hear a second engine over the noise of their own. Just as soon as he noticed it, Ruby's ATV came bursting out of the field and onto the trail in front of them. "Son of a bitch!" Dean yelled, and then they were both coughing on the dust that she kicked up in her wake. Dean would either have to slow up for breathing purposes, or he would have to speed up and pass her. Anyone who knew Dean, knew which option he chose.

Cas pressed his face into Dean's shoulder to breathe and also so that he would not have to see where they were going. A few moments in and he realized that he could block out the terror by doing this, focus on what was right in front of him, literally. He breathed in Dean, earthy, probably because they were both now covered in all of the dust. He pressed in closer, thinking about the skin that his nose was pressed to and the way that things were. He could almost feel Dean's heartbeat against his chest. He focused on that. His fingers curled into Dean's shirt a little more. Dean seemed to be slowing down. Cas looked up and saw that Ruby was soaring away from them, one middle fingered salute raised up to them. "So long bitches!" He could hear her yell back.

They turned off the main trail then, at a much more reasonable speed. Dean pointed off to the west. "See?" Cas sucked in a breath. "That's the wisteria."

They meandered down the trail to a small creek that wound in and out of the land. There was a long canopy that had been created alongside the creek, and on it was the most beautiful growth of flowers Cas had ever seen. A breeze blew over the water, past the vines to them. It smelled heavenly. Dean slowed up more as they drove through it. He came to a stop in the middle of it. They were surrounded by flowers, pink hanging flowers that filtered the light of the setting sun in a way that was too unreal to be actual colors. It was almost like clouds after a fire. It was a Monet painting, and Cas felt that he had fallen into it.

Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder again, not letting himself think about whether or not this was appropriate. Dean didn't complain, so he didn't move away. He looked at the edge of Dean's face, all aglow with the soft light. He wanted to kiss the side of his cheek there, where the stubble was just barely present. He could claim that it was nothing, just like hugging, friendly affection. He knew though that it was more than that, so much more, and if he let himself he'd never be satisfied with that little bit, and Dean had never said or done anything that implied that he would be okay with this. And because his mind was full of dreams and the gloriousness of this moment, instead of kissing him, he said, "I have never seen anything more beautiful in all my life." He filled his lungs full of Dean, full of flowers, full of life.

Dean turned his head to him a little and said, "Yeah." For a moment, Cas thought that there was more in that one word, in that little movement of his head than just agreement. They stayed like that for a spell, looking at each other in a silent bit of communication. Cas thought that maybe they were saying different things to each other, but he didn't care. He knew what he was saying, and that was all that mattered to him right then, that and the warm, solid presence of Dean in his arms. He wanted to come up with a catalogue of ways that he could recreate this situation regularly.  _How else can I excuse prolonged physical contact? How do I paint it in colors of mere friendship? Oh, don't mind me. I'm just gonna wrap myself around you, hold you up while you cook dinner. Oh, don't mind me. I'm just gonna wrap myself around you, hold you up while I…_  "Penny for your thoughts," Dean interrupted.

"I think you would have to pay more than a penny for these." Cas dipped his head a little, breaking the eye contact.

"How much? I have a good job." Cas looked up and saw Dean lick his lips.

"I forget now."

"Liar." Dean reached down and patted Cas' hand still snaked around his waist. "I'll just have to imagine then, and I have quite the imagination." He got the ATV going again, nice and slow though.

"What do you imagine?" Cas wondered still resting his head on Dean's shoulder.

"I imagine a lot of things. I had a lot of time to do that these past couple of weeks. I spent time imagining what my life could be if…" He stopped and gave the ATV more gas.

"If?" Cas raised his voice to be heard over the engine.

Dean moved one of his hands off the handlebar and settled it on Cas' hand at his waist for a moment. "Yeah." They rode back to the barn quiet like that for the rest of the journey.

They walked back to the family and a very smug Ruby just sitting at the table beaming. Cas wanted to find excuses to explore more of the property with just Dean. He wanted to find reasons that could be made into action, that would keep them near each other and potentially talking about what was happening between them.  _Something was happening, right?_  His throat went dry with the thought. He kept having to lick his ever chapping lips, because apparently just thinking about kissing Dean was enough to sap him of all moisture.

He sat down at the table and poured himself some wine.  _Yeah. That word. That one word. It meant something. Wine. Wine helps everything._  He gave the glass a swirl and drank. Dean settled in across from him and seemed to watch him a little. It was then that he noticed just how quiet the table was. He looked at his mom and then the others.

Finally, Mary spoke up. "Ruby sure beat you back."

Dean considered the words and casually replied, "Cas really liked your wisteria. Figured since we already lost to her, I'd let him stare at it for a bit." He looked over at Cas with his revisionist history. No mentioning of how much they really didn't just stare at the wisteria. He had mapped out the most glorious landscape ever, and he knew where each freckle was, each angle, and where the crinkles would form if he smiled.

"So, you liked the wisteria?" Mary directed her question to Cas.

"It was absolutely beautiful, Mary. I could not imagine a more magical place." He had chosen his words carefully in that moment. The talk around them seemed to slowly come back to life. He found himself stealing glances past his glass to Dean. He finished off the wine, and thought about another. His head already felt a little muddled with the alcohol. He had been given a very liberal pour during dinner too. He had poured the second glass with equal generosity.

He was not drunk, but he was very happy. His parents eventually got up to go. Cas had forgotten to mention to them that Dean would be taking him home. "Well, son, you ready to go?" Chuck had asked as he came over and settled a hand on his shoulder.

Dean said, "Oh, I volunteered earlier to drive Cas home. This way you don't have to get off the freeway on your way home. Cuts down the commute for you." Dean smiled.

"Oh, thanks Dean." Chuck looked down at Cas and asked, "So you want to call me later in the week about the Lucy manuscript?"

Cas replied, "No, but I will." They smiled at each other. Cas got up then and everyone took that as a sign that they needed to make their goodbyes.

Cas and Dean stood off to the side listening to Mary and Becky talk. Mary said, "It's so nice that Dean has found a brother in your son."

Becky replied, "I agree." She smiled over at them. Cas glanced at Dean. His smile, that had been so much a part of him all evening fell. He stalked off to his car and got in.

"Is he okay?" Mary asked as she stared off at him.

Cas replied, "I think that it has just been a long day. Thanks for a lovely dinner." He leaned over and gave Mary a quick hug. He pressed a kiss to his mom's cheek and then went off to Dean's car.

Dean pulled out from the edge of the driveway and looped out to the road. They drove in silence for nearly five minutes before either of them bridged the communication gap. Cas had secretly been looking forward to the conversation, but now it seemed to be a thing filled with melancholy.

"I had a good time tonight." Cas watched Dean's face for a reaction.

He was still as he said, "Yeah?" This time the word did not carry the same tone as it had in the wisteria.

Cas endeavored to give it back, that tone. He said, "Yeah."

Dean turned to him a little at that, and some of the hardness that had fallen into his features slipped away. They drove on in silence. It was less heavy though. "You know." Dean started and then stopped. He swallowed, and Cas watched the rise and fall of it in Dean's throat. He tried again, "You know, you aren't my brother?" It was an odd sort of question, but Cas let it sit in his head for a bit.

He considered where it had come from and why such a question should form for Dean now. He wondered why it mattered. He looked at Dean and said, "Yeah," just like he had said it before, like Dean had said it too.

Dean let out a long sigh of what Cas thought might be relief. "I had a good time too."

They eventually got back to the apartment. The last glass of wine had fully made its journey to his head by this point. They walked together back into the complex. They got to Cas' door and Cas said, "I may be a little drunk."

"Really? You hide it well." Dean leaned into the wall next to Cas' door while he fumbled for the keys. Dean reached out and took them from him. "Here, let me get it." Cas grinned at him cheesily.

"Thanks." He moved into the space and Dean handed him back his keys. Dean leaned into the doorway now. Cas wandered over to his table to set down the keys, expecting Dean to be inside the apartment by now. "Well, are you coming in?"

"Nah, gonna head back to my place. I was gonna invite you in, but you said that you might be drunk, so maybe another time." Dean's eyes crinkled up again at the edges with his grin.

"What, you have something against a little imbibing?" Cas moved back toward him a little. The world was fuzzy and warm like Dean.

"Nope, just think that maybe I'd like to invite you over when you are sober is all. Sleep well, Cas." He popped himself off of the doorframe.

"Okay then." Cas could barely conceal the disappointment in his voice. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah." And there was the tone again, warm honey and sweet with promise. Cas just stared at him as he reached out for the door, closing it slowly as he left. Cas wandered back to his bed, kicked off his shoes, and fell face down into the embrace of his very cool, very welcoming pillows. They may not have been Dean, but they were still nice anyway.


	12. Chapter 12

**Movie night tonight. Your place.**  Charlie's message greeted him when he woke up in the morning. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and read it again. She had sent it at 8:00 am. It was after nine now and he knew that he needed to drag his sorry butt to the shower.

 **Will call later, much hangover.** He got out of the bed and striped down to nothing. He got the shower going and after talking care of other needs, got in, relishing the steam and comfort of it. He thought about the wine, and realized that one should not endeavor to pour four glasses of wine into two glasses while telling one's self that it only counts as two.

The water poured over his shoulders and down his back. He pressed his head to the cool tiles in front of him. He let his mind slip over the day before. It had only been one day, and already it felt like everything was better, brighter somehow.  _Was it yesterday that they weren't even speaking with each other?_  He turned into the water and scrubbed at his face. Dean had visited him in dreams. He was standing at the end of Cas' bed, a billowing white sheet wrapped around him in lieu of clothes. He was smiling at him as he took several slow steps toward him. He had come down to the bed and crawled up to him, spreading out the sheet over them both, pulling it up over their heads, making a bright, white tent. The early morning sunlight penetrated the sheet giving Dean a look of summer brightness. He was the sun hovering over him, and all was bliss.

That was dreams though. Cas thought that maybe he had imagined some things, saw the world through rose colored glasses or a wisteria induced type of hysteria. He would look up the effects of inhaling too much pollen from wisteria.  _Maybe it was a hallucinogen or something like that_. He finished his shower and thought about the prospect of a movie night with both Charlie and Dean. At least with Charlie there, he could trust himself. He would at least be more capable of making safe decisions.

He looked down at his chest as the water ran over it. He cringed and looked away. It was hard sometimes to see himself as anything more than damaged. He raised a hand to the scar and traced it from his sternum to just below his collarbone. He still found it troubling to look at. He wondered how long it would be before he could look at it without feeling sick. He wondered if anyone would ever be able to handle looking at him.  _This is why shirts were invented._  He finished up and shut off the water.

He towelled off and pulled on a t-shirt. He got his underwear and jeans on, but not easily. He hadn't dried off enough for the jeans, and was hopping around while yanking up on the belt loops. There was a knock at the door. He still had the towel and was doing another quick ruffle of his hair to keep from dripping everywhere when he answered the door.

Dean stood there, eyes wide, smile firmly in place. A beat and, "Hey, Cas." He was holding what looked like breakfast, two plates containing omelettes and potatoes.

"You are officially my new bestie. Come in here." Cas grabbed his arm and pulled him in. "Table. I'll make coffee." Dean obeyed and set them up with utensils. Cas got the coffee brewing. The bubble and hiss of it, made him feel more awake than the shower, or maybe that had been Dean.

He turned and leaned against the counter. Dean said, "Thought that you might need a bit to eat and that the hangover would make things difficult."

"It's minor. I just maybe need to be more careful with wine." He raised a fist to the heavens and said, "Deceptive drink of the gods."

Dean laughed at him. "So you still in the 'I had a good time last night camp?'"

"Nope." Dean looked disappointed for a moment before Cas continued. "I had a great time. I'm a new convert to the cult of wisteria. I am going to plant it in every corner of my house."

"You know it only blooms for like a tiny amount of time each year right?" Cas pulled down a mug and gave Dean a little scowl.

"You don't have to poop on my plans. I mean geesh use your imagination. Wisteria in every freaking corner." Cas scooped a spoonful of sugar into Dean's mug and filled it with coffee. He gave it a stir and set it on the table in front of him. He went back and did the full treatment on his own mug.

"You know how I take my coffee?" Dean sipped at it.

"Yeah, I know. Not bad for a guy that was too drunk to hang out with last night huh?" Cas took a seat across from him and smirked past the top of his mug.

Dean choked a little on a swallow. "Guess you weren't that drunk."

"Actually, I pretty much passed out the moment you left. Thanks for not hanging around to draw mustaches on my face with a sharpie or something." There was noise coming up to them from out in the courtyard. "They doing something out there?" Cas got up and wandered over to the window to look down. Dean followed him and stood at his side.

"Pam decided that since the courtyard parties have been kinda successful and a rather regular thing that we need a proper stage for the band. She figured that if it can double as a sun deck that it is a reasonable thing to build." They both stared down at the work in progress when a very attractive, woman emerged from the side of the courtyard carrying two large wooden beams over her shoulder. She was wearing a grey tank top and shorts. Her deep brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Her skin was golden brown and glistening in a fine layer of sweat that was discernible even as high up as Cas' window. She set the boards down and started marking them with a pencil. Dean said, "Whoa. That's a good looking woman." They both stared down a moment longer, and then Dean went back to the table and started eating the breakfast again.

Cas lingered at the window. He watched the woman work and was impressed by the fluidity of her movements. He glanced back at Dean and said, "Hey Dean?"

Dean tipped his head back and said, "Yeah?"

"Could I ask you a personal question?" Cas turned back to the window wondering what he hoped to gain with his question, but he wanted to ask it anyway.

"Of course." Dean turned around in his seat a little and settled his arm over the seatback.

Cas turned back to him and reconsidered for a moment. "It wouldn't be weird?"

Dean laughed a little and said, "Cas, everything about our relationship is weird. Weird is just gonna be par for the course where we are concerned. Ask me your question, and let's just assume that it is gonna be weird, just like everything else."

Cas thought about it a moment longer and then asked, "Is that your type?" He turned back to the window and stared down at the woman again.

Dean got up and walked back over to the window and looked back down. "Shit, Cas. That right there is everyone's type."

"Not my type."

Dean looked away from her and directly at Cas. "Yeah, well, you are different. I guess I've always been a sucker for brown hair, the darker the better." Cas watched Dean's lip quirk up into a little grin. "A smokin' hot body doesn't hurt either."

"So, that woman is your type because she has brown hair and a smokin' hot body?"

"I've recently come to think that I have many types. How 'bout you? What's your type, Cas?" Dean tipped his head against the glass and kept his gaze on Cas.

Cas hadn't expected the question and didn't know how to answer without being obvious. So he evaded. "I don't know. I am limited in my dating experiences."

"What do you mean? I mean, everyone knows what they find attractive. Haven't you ever just looked at someone and had to do like a double take or remind yourself that breathing is necessary?"

Cas took a deep breath, because he had forgotten to do that for a few seconds while Dean was talking and standing so close. "I don't think that that means that I have a type though."

"So, tell me about the last guy that you dated. What did he look like?" Dean moved from the window and headed back to the table. Cas followed.

"Like I said, my dating experience is a little limited." Cas picked up his fork and started poking at the omelette in front of him.

"Oh." Dean seemed to get what Cas was saying. "So, like you haven't seeded any pastures or whatnot is what you are saying?"

"Wow, I don't know if there is a worse way for you to phrase that."

"Even still, that doesn't mean that you don't have a type. We should go out sometime, get you drinks, and find you a type." Dean grinned into the mug and Cas decided to just eat his feelings.

The pounding outside was picking up in volume. "I wonder how long they're going to be working on it."

Dean said, "I'm supposed to be helping with it. She also wants to have me change out the lanterns."

"Oh, so you plan to be busy today." Cas didn't mean to sound disappointed and tried to cover it with some generous bites of food.

"Uh, don't have to be. I told her that I'd help, but if you need me…"

Cas looked back up at him and said, "Charlie wanted to do a movie night thing. Thought you might want to hang."

'Well, I'll be plenty done by then, I'm sure." He dipped his head a little and ate another bite of his omelette.

"Good, then I'll tell Charlie to come over at say, sixish?" Cas was absentmindedly stirring his coffee now, trying to look casual and not too pleased like he actually was.

"Yeah." That tone again. "That sounds good. I don't think that it will take me too long."

Dean left after breakfast and Cas cleaned up after them. He called Charlie, but she was already on her way over. She claimed boredom as a motivator. She showed up at his door sweatpants and a loose fitting t-shirt. "I am ready for the sleepover party. I have popcorn, movies, candy…" She held up the pile of items that she was carrying in a giant bowl, presumably for the popcorn.

"You do get that it is barely noon, right? Movie nights usually begin at, well, night." She bustled past him despite his words and set the items on the dining room table.

"You have no imagination. Where's Dean?" Cas moved over to the fridge and pulled out two bottled sodas and uncapped them. He waved over to the window, handing her one of the sodas as they went.

"Wanna watch people work hard and look attractive while doing it?"

"Uh, are any of those people women?"

"One is, and she's attractive, according to Dean. Also, one of them is Dean." He popped open the window and they climbed out onto the fire escape, which was still shaded a bit from the afternoon sun.

Charlie looked down at the workers below and let out a loud wolf whistle. Dean looked up at her and waved. She waved back and called down, "Hey Winchester, lookin good."

"Hey, Bradbury, enjoy the gun show." He did a cheesy arm kiss to himself and Charlie rolled her eyes.

They sat with their backs to the brick wall and drank their sodas. They didn't talk for awhile, just watched the work down below. Cas followed Dean's efforts. There was a running list of things that looked just right, growing in Cas' mind. Dean's shirt was tight, and made clear just how muscular he was. He was strong, as evinced from the massive amount of boards he felt the need to carry with each trip back and forth into the courtyard. He was tan, which Cas already knew from the lake trip. He had strong calves, which he hadn't spent nearly enough time looking at until now. Then apparently it had gotten too hot for clothes, because Dean pulled off his shirt and tossed it onto a nearby chair.

"Shit," Cas actually said outloud. He realized that thoughts had become words and looked to Charlie for a reaction. "I mean it is way hot out today, maybe we should go inside."

Charlie laughed, "And miss the show."

"I don't think that this is supposed to be a show." Dean had his back to them, but he was bent over a corner of the stage/sundeck, and he was hammering something.

"It's totally a show." Charlie laughed again. "You think that Dean doesn't know that we are watching him?"

"I don't know. Why would he want to give us a show?"

"I don't know, Cas. Why do you think?" She waggled her eyebrows.

"Pretty sure that he got the memo on your sexuality."

"Yep, I'm pretty sure he did." She waggled her eyebrows again.

"Stop doing that. It's weird." He looked away and back at Dean. They kept on enjoying the view for another twenty minutes. It might have been the best twenty minutes of Cas' life, he thought, but then he recalled visions of wisteria and proximity and... _Stop._  Charlie was supposed to be helping him reign it in.

"I'm gonna grab some bottled waters. Be right back." Charlie ducked into the apartment, and Cas thought that he should follow her, but then Dean started walking toward his side of the building, looking up at him as he came closer.

Cas leaned forward off the wall toward the edge of the fire escape. He had temporarily forgotten his fear of heights and falling.  _Dean would be there if I fell. He'd catch me. Sappy. Shut-up brain._  Dean called up to him, "You have any bottled water up in your place?"

"Yeah, Charlie's getting some. You want some?" Cas was about to get up to holler in to Charlie.

"Yeah. I'll come up." Dean jumped up and grabbed the edge of the fire escape. He swung himself up onto the landing and then proceeded to climb up. Cas watched him through the grate. Dean got to the level that was just below him and then popped himself up on the railing so that he was sitting just below Cas.

"You better not fall." Cas was nervous. Dean wasn't even really holding on. He was just sitting there, back to the world, looking up at Cas.

"I won't. You afraid of heights or something?" Dean leaned back a little and Cas felt his stomach flutter.

"Yes, especially when people that I care about seem to be in peril." He gripped the edge of the landing as if holding it tighter would keep Dean from falling.

Dean smirked and reached up to the landing that Cas was on. He pulled himself up so that he was hanging from it. He started doing little pull-ups. "So, this is maybe freaking you out a little?"

Cas' heart was racing, but he wasn't sure if it was out of fear now or because of the fact that Dean was so goddamn attractive like this. "Damnit Dean, stop it." He had to look away. Dean lowered himself back down.

Charlie came back out onto the landing. "Nice show, Winchester." He reached up for water and she passed one to him. "Heard you out here, and figured you'd want one." She handed the other bottle to Cas and had one for herself too.

"Thanks." He drank down the water in one long series of gulps.

Cas watched that too. Charlie elbowed him and said, "So, Cas you remember what I was saying before." He snapped out of it and gave her a  _not now_  glare. She continued, "Just want to point out that I was inside, not out here enjoying a damn thing. Just keep that in mind."

Cas elbowed her. He looked back down at Dean, who, thankfully, did not seem to be following a damn thing. "Should we get take-out tonight, to go with our movies?"

"Sounds fine by me. Just let me know the damage, and I'll get some money from my place after all of this is done." Dean put the empty bottle of water in his mouth and grabbed the landing again to pull himself up. He got his head over the edge and nodded toward Cas as he released the bottle. "Here ya go." He grinned at Cas' expression and then slowly lowered himself back down. He did have the decency to take the stairs the rest of the way. Cas wasn't sure if he could have handled much more of the climbing.

"We need to go inside." He looked over at Charlie.

"You think you might need a little alone time?" She elbowed him. "I could go get the take-out."

"Shut-up." He elbowed her back. They went inside, and Cas made a point of avoiding the window for the next two hours.

There had been a time while he had been sick, in which he had thought that his imagination had dried up. He had stopped writing because he had stopped thinking that anything mattered. He had stopped spending time with friends and had even started limiting his communication with his family. It had been a dark time. He had tried today to draw on some of that in order to temper down the very active, very lively imagination that seemed to be in existence today.

Watching the movie would likely help, he had thought, seeing as it would be dark, and Dean would be clothed.  _Thank God for clothing._  What he hadn't counted on was Charlie telling Dean to get his pjs and that they would be invading Cas' bed for the film.  _Crap, crap, crap._

Charlie made popcorn, and they had already consumed every last morsel of orange chicken, and chow mein that had been crammed into the little to-go containers. Charlie had offered up several choices in films. The winner ended up being  _Ghostbusters._  Cas had a t.v. mounted on the wall across from his bed. He put the movie in and turned back to the bed. Charlie was firmly settled in on one side of the bed, and Dean was firmly settled on the other. He stood there staring at the situation, trying to determine where he was supposed to go, until Charlie patted the space in the middle.

Cas crawled up the bed to the spot that Charlie indicated. He felt like he was stiff in the space. He was trying to not take up more than his allotted space. He didn't want to make Dean uncomfortable. Charlie set the bowl of popcorn on his lap. "You are now the keeper of the popcorn." She nuzzled into his side a little and squirmed under his comforter. "You should get under the comforter so that I can actually pull it around my whole body." Cas looked at her and saw that she was only partially covered.

"Here." He handed the popcorn to Dean, and got under the comforter. Dean passed the popcorn back to Cas. Dean got under the comforter then too. "Don't judge, but I haven't actually seen this movie before," Cas admitted.

"What?" Charlie and Dean both said in unison.

Charlie punched Cas on the shoulder, "Get outta town. Everyone has seen this."

Dean leaned forward and said around Cas, "I'm starting to think that Cas lived under a rock. You know that he has never dated anyone?"

"I didn't say that. I said that my dating experience was limited." Cas started eating the popcorn to have something to concentrate on.

Charlie ruffled his hair, and he dipped his head away from it. "Ah, so sweet, so innocent."

Dean laughed at them, and reached over to get a handful of the popcorn. The movie finally started playing; they had been looking at previews for long forgotten movies. Dean reached over to the nightstand and hit the light. They got through the first movie and all of the popcorn. Cas was painfully aware of Dean at his side. As the movie progressed, he drew closer and closer. Cas thought that he might fall asleep during the first film. He had worked hard out in the hot sun all day.

When the first film finished though, everyone said that they had to watch the second one. Charlie got up and changed out the dvd for the second one. Half way through and Charlie was asleep, face pressed into his side. He moved an arm up over her shoulder for comfort's sake. He turned to Dean and saw that his eyes were growing heavy too. "I might need to go home. I'm falling asleep here."

Cas stretched out his other arm and settled it over Dean's shoulders just like he had with Charlie. Dean closed his eyes and fell asleep. The movie finished with him sitting there, the only one awake. He turned off the t.v. and let his eyes adjust to the dark. He took a few moments to look at Charlie, lips drooping open as she sucked in sleepy breaths. He turned his attention to Dean then, and noted the very quiet sleep that was his. He eventually closed his own eyes and happily fell into a deep dreamless sleep. It was good to have them here, he thought as his mind swirled off.


	13. Chapter 13

The week that followed their movie night seemed to drag. Dean worked. He worked a lot. He normally had a three day on four day off schedule, but with all the time off that he had had, Dean wanted to try to make up time. That made this week a four day work week. This made it easier for Cas to finally finish Lucy's manuscript and send it to his father. He and Charlie and Dean texted each other pretty much was a nice constant. By Wednesday he dreamed again. The cold that filled the room carried him to his desk, and the keyboard once again felt his fingertips dancing over the keys.

This dream and the subsequent story that came from it had a deeper darkness. In the other dreams he had been somewhat disembodied from the participants, an observer hovering just on the fringes so to speak. In this dream though, he was Sam, and they were dying. It had not begun that way though.

It had been late. The building had been closed for some time. Periodically, Sam's phone would buzz on the desk. The messages were all from Ruby. She would send a picture of herself looking bored or a text that was meant to convey empathetic affection over their shared late night at the office. They had taken a break for dinner together, but that had been many hours ago. For Sam, the end of the quarter expense reports were due. For Ruby, her boss was conducting a company wide audit, and she wanted to be ready.

By 9:00 Ruby had texted him that she was going to start packing up to go home. He had responded by telling her that she was a wuss. Then he called her to tell her in person. "Nine o'clock is like a kiddie bedtime." She had been there since 6:00 am so he could hardly be taken seriously.

"I expect you home within the hour." Ruby still sounded like she was wide awake. "Really, Sam. We've been here all day."

"You want me to go home now?" He sounded almost like he wanted her to say yes. Then his eyes fell back on the spreadsheet that was still only partially complete. "I think that I maybe have another hour to go."

"So, I guess that I'll see you in an hour." She sounded disappointed. "You shouldn't ask me if I want you to come home if you have no intention of doing so."

"I'm sorry." And he was.

"I'll just leave slowly. Maybe you'll catch me in the lobby."

"I'll do my best." They hung up and Sam poured over the numbers, hoping that he wasn't being inaccurate in his haste to just be done. Thirty minutes later and he could smell something odd. Suddenly, the alarms were going off and flashing out in bright white strobes of light. "Shit." He got up, and processed for a moment that this was maybe not a drill. He moved to the door and looked out into the hall. There was smoke. It was billowing in from the stairwell. He made his way to it anyway. He pulled his shirt up over his mouth and nose to filter out the smoke. He opened the door and a backdraft blasted him back from the space. Smoke poured in thicker than before.

Sam collapsed to his knees and then scrambled away from the flames that were now all consuming in their rage. He crawled to the other end of the hall. The fire was in that stairwell too. He broke the cover over the fire extinguisher that was in the recess and used the butt end of it to break out the window. It was like the dream from before, only now it was not surreal. Sam was dying, and Cas could feel it with each painful breath.

His heart was racing in a panic as time was running out. The window broke in a sheet that crumbled away in a spider web heap. He pulled himself up to the window, taking long gulps of clean air. He could hear the distant scream of sirens making their way to him. He yelled out the window for help. There were people there, too far away to make out who, but they were there. He felt the heat at his back intensify. The flames were pouring in from the far stairwell, but they were also eating the door next to him, the one that went to the other stairwell. The door popped and then crashed open, releasing more flames into the space. It was too hot. He threw himself past it to the middle of the hall again.

The smoke, all black was everywhere. He tried to breathe, but there was no air, only the smoke waiting to take possession of him. He tried to pull his shirt back up to his nose. It wasn't filtering enough.  _Time, time, time_ , he thought.  _I just need more time to think._  He clawed his way more into the very middle. It was the only place left that wasn't burning. The space was rage and heat. It was hopeless, and in the end Sam knew it. He sat there in the roar of noise knowing that it was over, and that there was nothing that he could do.

His last thoughts were a cloud of faces. His last breath was all smoke and heat. He slumped slowly over onto his side and it was over. Cas was separate from him now. Sam's spirit stood at his side and the two of them looked down at the body that was once Sam as it laid there almost peaceful in the inferno that surrounded them. They both stepped back from the body.

Time passed and the room was all orange and red. Cas wondered how long they would stay. Then there was a crash of noise a ladder was raised to the broken out window. A fireman in full gear climbed in. He moved through the flames to the middle of the room, as if he didn't care about the danger. He stooped down next to Sam and pulled him up over his shoulder. He carried him to the window. Cas could not see past the flames to understand how he got Sam's body out. Sam's spirit reached out to him urging him to follow. They passed through the flames and out to the street. An ambulance was waiting. The fireman gave Sam to the EMTs. He pulled his mask off to breath, and then it became clear that it was Dean.

He stood there as the EMTs rushed to close up the back doors and tear off to the hospital, just a few blocks away. "Dean."

Ruby was shaking, standing at his side. "Oh, thank God you weren't in there." He pulled her to him. She was not calming down. The shaking was becoming worse.

"Sammy!" She called out toward the ambulance that had long since disappeared in the night. "Sammy!" Her legs gave out and Dean carried her to the side of the road. "I need to get to him. I need to be with him." She curled up on herself, gripping her stomach as he held her.

Sam's spirit moved them again. Cas felt himself being pulled to the hospital. He saw the night progress in quick moments. It was like watching a video at double the normal speed. There was no sound, just action. Sam pulled him from the chaos to another place, a quieter place. Cas was there already. He remembered the night his family had brought him there. He remembered the good news that they had received, that they had moved to the top of the transplant list, that a heart was ready for him.

He looked to Sam at his side and said, "I'm sorry." Sam just smiled at him.

He rested a hand on Cas' shoulder and they watched for a time. Sam moved over to the end of the bed and seemed like he planned to wait there for some time. Cas felt the space grow cold. The room became dark and then he woke up.

Cas had Missouri over the next morning. He poured her a cup of coffee and told her what he had seen. She looked concerned with he described the fire and the way that the event unfurled at the hospital.

"I worked at the hospital that night Cas. The timeline that you are describing for when he would have come in and also, the way that he died is what happened in reality. He did die of smoke inhalation. It was just after ten. His family signed off on the organ donation not long after."

Cas watched her sip her coffee. She still looked concerned. "Something else about the story was bothering you though."

"I read something." She slipped her phone out and clicked around on it until she found what she was looking for. She slid it over to him. "Here. It's an article on the fire." Cas took it and she added, "They said that it was faulty wiring, but you said that the fire was mostly in the stairwells."

"It was. It seemed like that was where it was coming in from."

"Well, that doesn't make much sense, but what do I know. Seems like a wiring problem would manifest in a different location, not the stairwell, let alone both stairwells." Cas read through the article and remembered how Dean had questioned the exact same thing. Somehow, he felt in that moment that Dean was right. It had been something worse.

They finished off the coffee and breakfast, and Missouri headed out to go to work. They made plans to get together in the next week. Cas said, "But not to talk about my creepy dreams though. Let's just plan to hang out."

"That sounds refreshing." She leaned into the doorframe as she was about to leave. "You know, I wonder sometimes if the closure that Sam needs isn't some great mystery solved. Maybe he just needs to find a way to tell his family goodbye."

Cas thought about that for a moment and said, "Maybe he needs both. The dreams aren't exactly sunshine and rainbows."

"Yeah." She moved out the door. "See ya, Cas."

"See ya."

Cas decided that he wanted to learn more about that night, about what had happened to Sam and if Dean had in fact been the one to find him in the hall.  **Lunch?**

Dean's response came quickly.  **Yeah. Meet me at the station.**  So not Ellen's. Cas readjusted his mental plans. He decided to walk. Driving to the station made no sense. He rounded the corner and saw that Dean was already waiting out front, leaning against the wall of the station.

"Hey there." Cas walked up to him.

"Hey yourself." Dean pushed off of the wall and nodded in the direction that lead to the lake. "Needed to stretch my legs a bit. Thought that we could just grab hotdogs and walk out to the dock to eat."

"That sounds nice." Cas started rethinking his plans from before.  _I don't need to know about Sam's death_. Any talk of Sam would change the mood of the moment.  _Dean doesn't need that._  Dean was apparently a close walker. His arm was pressed up against his own. Cas liked the feel of him there, and of course had zero complaints. They got to the little lakeside park and the hotdog vender that was a regular at the site.

"Two." Dean handed over a ten and nodded for Cas to take the first hotdog. Dean took the second one and the change. They wandered out to the end of the dock and sat on one of the bench seats that were often occupied by fishermen. It was late afternoon though, and the middle of the week, so most of the benches were empty. "So, what've you been up to today?"

"Nothing too exciting. Had a breakfast date." Dean's face fell a little. Cas noted it. "Missouri came by and we had coffee. She's been doing some research with me for my story."

"Oh, so she gets to read it but not me. I see." Dean took a giant bite out of his hotdog. It was half of the thing. He chomped away at it in a way that was a little gross.

"Dean, smaller bites." Cas looked away.

Dean mumbled around the mouthful, "Don't tell me how to eat." He smiled though.

"Put out any fires today?" Cas asked after a little quiet had stretched between them.

"There was a car fire over on Harrison. It was easy." Dean wadded up the wrapper and tossed it into the garbage can that was next to the bench.

Cas finished the last bites not long after. Dean watched him. "I should have eaten faster. You're making me nervous."

"Oh, sorry."

"Not your fault. I'm just that good looking." He laughed as he said it and got up to throw away his own wrapper. They wandered back the way that they had come. "You gonna be home tomorrow?"

"Yeah, actually I'll be home late tonight." Dean was back close to his side again as they walked. "Why? You wanna make plans?"

"Well, the courtyard party is happening tomorrow. I didn't go to the last one." Cas felt Dean's steps falter a bit.

"Oh, uh, I don't know."

Cas stopped walking and Dean did too. He turned to face Cas. "Is it because of the last time?"

"It's weird. Plus, I might run into the woman that I brought back to my place. I think that it'll be awkward."

"Just stick with me then. I was planning to ask Charlie to join us." He reached up and squeezed Dean's shoulder.

Dean rolled his head to the side a little and looked at Cas. The look reminded him a little of the way that he had looked that evening in the wisteria. It was a wistful look that seemed to say something of want or desire. "Okay then."

"Oh, I see. You only agreed to go because Charlie will be there. You are a fickle friend Dean Winchester." Cas bumped him a little while they walked and sent him a sidelong grin.

"I would have agreed without Charlie being there, but she is the literal best. She's like the sister I never had."

"Oh, don't tell Ruby. She'll be jealous." Cas was enjoying the warmth of Dean, the way that his eyes looked as they tried to squint past the sunlight that was burning down on them.

"Like I said, she's like the sister I never had."

"I thought you and Ruby got along." Cas felt Dean's hand brush the back of his, and somehow Dean's movements matched his so well that their hands stayed back to back for the rest of the walk.

"We do get along. She's just more like the kind of family that you always have to compete with. So, she's not older than me, but she is like what I imagine an older brother would be to me, if I had one." The station house was just ahead, and Cas slowed his pace a little. Dean seemed to do the same. "Charlie seems more like a little sister. She's snarky, but kinda adorable too."

"Wow, Dean, adorable. That hardly sounds like you." Cas felt his heartbeat drum a little faster as they got to the station. Dean leaned into his side a little more.

"I guess I just feel blessed lately. Maybe it's all the therapy, the talking stuff. I may have lost Sam, but my doctor has made me spend some time thinking about the things that I haven't lost. I've also spent some time thinking about the things that I have gained lately too."

Cas leaned back against the wall by the door. "So what have you gained Winchester?"

"Well, I've met some people." He dipped his head a little and added, "People that seem to care an awful lot about my well being, people who maybe put up with a lot of my bullshit." He moved to open the door and go in. Cas reached out to stop him.

Dean turned back to him. "Come see me when you get off work."

Dean seemed like he wasn't breathing for a moment. Then he said, "I'm not getting off until way late."

"I guess you'll be exhausted then." Cas let him go.

"Yeah. Tomorrow though." Dean gave him a small wave and went back to work. Cas walked home and wondered if Dean was even remotely aware of the effect that he was having on him. He hadn't even asked him all that he had wanted to ask him. He had felt the joy though, the unimaginable joy of just being that close to him. The closer he got to home though, the more he started to think that he was making a mistake. If Dean was just an affectionate friend, then he was setting himself up for a world of hurt.  _I could just ask._  He had considered it before, but Dean had seemed so happy with what they were to each other.  _Plus, how does one ask about something like this? Do you say, hey I think you might mean something to me? Do you say that you want to try dating without your other best friend having to tag along. But that was unfair. Charlie wasn't a third wheel. Also, we did just have lunch together, alone._  He decided to push down the worry, and the growing need to move Dean into a different relationship category.  _I can be content._  He told himself this and set the thought to repeat as he made his way back to his apartment.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly more explicit than the other chapters.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked at himself in the mirror. He could see Charlie getting bored on the bed behind him. She was already doing that thing where you pick at the underside of your fingernails for dirt that isn't there. He turned around and looked at her. "So, do I look okay?"

"Yeah, Cas, you look great." She got up and walked over to him. "Maybe just undo one of the buttons there. You look a little like you are choking on your collar." She reached up and undid the top button for him. He turned back to the mirror to be sure that the scar wasn't showing. "You look fine. Can we go before Dean sends out the dogs after us?"

"He wouldn't do that." Regardless, Cas turned away from the mirror, and they went out the door.

"Why are you so nervous?" She wrapped her arm around his as they walked over to Dean's place.

"I'm not." He looked at her and saw the full look of skepticism on her face. "Okay, maybe I am a little. I hate crowds."

"Is that all?"

"Mostly."

"And?"

Cas sucked in a breath of air and felt his heart kick up a little as they approached the corner that was just steps from Dean's door. "I maybe get nervous about things that involve dancing. There's gonna be dancing here."

"Why does dancing bother you?" She stopped their progress before they got to the corner.

"I don't know. I mean, I never went to any of them back in the day."

"Because of your heart?" Charlie ran her hand back and forth on his arm in a sympathetic gesture.

"Yeah, and well, also the potential for dance partners. I mean, no one really knew what I was into partnerwise, and quite frankly I was not willing to share that with any of them. The thought of going to a dance and dancing with either no one or some random girl that I had no interest in just seemed sad. Not that I would have minded dancing with a girl, but I really just found the whole concept of dances to be rather depressing."

She propelled them onward and said, "Well, tonight, Cas, you will dance. Maybe with me, maybe with a dude, but you will most definitely dance."

"I would totally dance with you. Please do not set me up with a random dude at the party. Please do not do that." He could see the gears turning even before he spoke.

"Okay, so, no random dude. How 'bout Dean? Bet I could get him to dance with you." This time he pulled her to a stop just outside of Dean's door.

"No. Don't do that." He reached up and knocked on the door.

"Why not?. He'd totally be down." She was giving him a big ole shit eating grin.

The door opened as Cas was saying, "Just don't."

"Just don't what?" Dean asked.

"Nothing." Cas had a bit of bite in his response and Dean's raised eyebrow was all the comment that he needed. "Sorry. Charlie is just being pushy."

"So not pushy. Can you believe that Cas has never danced with anyone before?" She moved past Cas into Dean's place. Cas followed her.

"Damn it Charlie, stop already."  _Is it too late to run?_

"Really? Now that is an absolute tragedy, Cas." Dean laughed.

"So not funny, Dean. Cas is missing out on an ancient rite of passage."

"Well, maybe he can finally embark upon the ancient rite of passage tonight." He leaned over to Cas and added, "Don't stress. Dancing is just one human's way of saying to another human that they want to mush their sexy bits up against your sexy bits. No big." Dean laughed again.

"Totally not the only reason for dancing. It's also just fun, and Cas has not had nearly enough fun in his life. We can totally help him with this."

"Charlie, I swear to God, I will kill you. I am not above murder. I've been watching  _Dexter_  and let me say that there are totally legit reasons that one might go on a little kill bender."

"How do we help the danceless wonder here?" Dean laughed again as he hit the lights and waved them out the door.

"I say, we either dance with him for most of the night or we find him a suitable partner at the event. Lord knows he won't do it himself." She started to wind her arm through his again, but he shrugged her off.

"I swear to God, I am going back to my room. I am not dancing with strangers that you randomly pluck from the crowd. I am so against this insanely awkward scenario." He made a move toward his room and felt an arm drape over his shoulder.

Dean was redirecting him to the elevator. "You are hilarious. I need to hang out with you and Charlie as a duo more often."

"Glad to be entertaining you. Tell me you are not a supporter of the set up your friend with awkward dudes plan."

"They might not be awkward." He laughed at Cas' twisted up look. "Maybe we won't have to set you up. Maybe you can just find someone on your own, and Charlie and I can watch your back."

"Fun." They got in the elevator. He could see Charlie and Dean silently laughing together in the reflection on the elevator doors as they closed.

They stepped out of the elevator and made their way out to the courtyard. Pam had really outdone herself this time. The little lanterns hanging over the yard were all aglow with so many colors. The tables scattered about here and there were draped in tablecloths that matched the many lanterns. Cas stood still taking it all in. There was a band playing something soft on the far side of the yard. The singer looked familiar. Dean raised a hand in a little wave. The singer waved back. "Ash." Dean seemed to read Cas' mind. "He may have gotten the invite when I mentioned him to Pam. He does most of the parties. He didn't get to do the last one, because Ellen needed him to cover a shift. The restaurant comes first for him."

They made their way through the first little crowd to the side of the yard. There was a row of adirondack chairs, all multi-colored in vibrant shades of red, blue, and green. Charlie plopped down in a blue chair and said, "Go get us some beers, Dean."

He dipped low at the waist and said, "As you wish, your highness." He stood again and said to Cas, "What about you? Beer?"

"What no lordy titles or subservient bowing?" Cas rolled out his lip.

Dean stood in front of him and took his hand, bowing over it, he said, "Your highness, would you like for me to fetch you a beer?" He pressed Cas' hand to his forehead, and Cas just sat down right then. Thankfully, the red adirondack chair was there to catch him. Dean laughed at him and said, "You are ridiculous."

"Beer, good." Cas' hand fell to his lap when Dean released it.

"Sure thing, cave dude." Dean sauntered off toward the table of foods and beverages. Charlie popped up and scooched him over so that she could sit on the edge of the seat with him.

"So, we good, Cas?" She took his hand and held it a little.

"Sure." He was still watching Dean go.

"You sure you aren't mad?"

He looked at her then. "Well, don't set me up with some random guy, and we'll just call it even." He added a pointed nod to make himself clear.

"No random guys, promise." She smiled as she said it, and Cas was left with a feeling that she had other plans. Her gaze drifted out to Dean.

"Please, don't Charlie." He was practically begging.

"No random guys, Cas. I don't make idle promises." She turned back to the crowd. "There will be nothing random, whatsoever about who I set you up with." She laughed at his look of abject horror.

Dean was heading back to them with three beers somehow clasped in his hands. He got to them and held out the beers in one hand to them. "Take." Charlie reached up and pulled one of the bottles free. Cas took one of the other bottles. Dean sat in the empty red adirondack chair and looked over to them. "So, what did I miss?"

"Promises." Charlie tipped her head back as she said it into an awkward little upside down tilt. She leaned back into her fully upright and normal position. She scanned the rows of party people and her eyes landed on one in the distance. "What about that totally not random guy there, Cas?"

"What are you talking about?" Cas followed her gaze out to the crowd. "No, way. Way out of my league." The guy she was looking at was tall, sandy blonde hair. He had a suit jacket over a grey t-shirt. He looked like he should be in a band. He was oozing confidence from even this far away.

"So, not out of your league. You, my friend are a total hottie, and you just don't see it. So, what do you say? Should I go break the ice on your behalf?" She was a fully grinning face right now, and Cas just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Dean decided to pipe in. "I have no clue who you are even looking at." He was squinting out into the crowd. Charlie got up and sat on his lap.

"You, are totally not looking into the right part of the crowd." She had her face next to his and was trying to line his head up so that he would see what she was seeing.

"He doesn't have the Dar, Charlie. He won't just find the guy."

"That is such a myth. You can't just tell something like that from all the way over here." Dean was still squinting. "I still don't see who you are talking about. Everyone over there seems like they could be in your league."

"You are not seeing him then." Dean shrugged as Cas said this. Charlie tried to reposition Dean's head. Cas said, "Seriously, Dean, he is like right there." He finally gave up and just pointed. Of course, as he did so, the gorgeous man looked right at him. He had a tumbler of something in his hand and he lifted it in a casual tilt wave. Cas lowered his hand. "Shit, shit, shit. Why, oh God. Damn it Charlie." He was making sure not to look back now. "How is it that you couldn't just see, Dean? Shit, shit, shit."

The man made his way over to them. They all stared up at him. He came down onto his haunches and balanced his arms on his knees. "So, you were pointing at me."

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that," Cas muttered out eyes downcast.

"Any particular reason?" He was British,  _shit, shit, shit._  Cas just looked up at him and let the lilting accent swim about in his head. The guy had a cockiness as he looked back at him that made him even more attractive.

"I don't even know how to explain myself. I'm a pointer. I point at things, people, yeah." He hated how he sounded, all weak and pathetic.

The guy reached out a hand to him, "Name's Balthazar. Yeah, I know, name doesn't suit me. So, what shall I call you?"

Cas let go of Balthazar's hand and said, "Cas."

"Just Cas huh? Interesting name." He took a drink from his tumbler and Cas gulped down a mouthful of the beer. "So, you live here or are you visiting this lot?" Balthazar waved at Dean and Charlie with his tumbler.

"Oh, sorry. This is Dean and Charlie." Balthazar reached out to them and shook hands with them.

"You two make a rather attractive couple." Balthazar placed a hand on the armrest of Cas' chair to keep his balance.

"Oh, we aren't a couple." Charlie laughed. "I don't play for that team, and Dean's not looking for someone like me, I think."

"Ah, Charlie, you'd be a total catch," Dean said all affectionately.

"I am, but not for you." She turned back to Balthazar. "I came as Cas' friend. Since he lives here, he figured he could let me tag along for beer and free food. Dean lives here too, and he puts up with me."

Balthazar turned to Cas then, "So, you live with Dean then?"

"Huh, uh, no." Cas looked at Dean quickly then back at Balthazar. "I live in my own place up there." He waved in the general vicinity of his apartment. Balthazar nodded.

He turned to the other end of the complex. "Just moved in over there a few days ago. Wasn't so sure about the move until right about now."

"Oh." Cas felt his cheeks color at the subtlety of what Balthazar was saying.

"So, you dance or do you just hold down chairs and drink beer?"

"I don't know that I am much of a dancer. I have, I'm sure, the ability to step on your toes and make you regret talking with me." Cas said it all in what seemed like one breath.

"Doubtful." Balthazar stood up then and reached down to Cas. "Come on." Cas set down his beer and took Balthazar's hand.

He turned back to Charlie and Dean. "You don't mind?"

"Of course not, Cas. Go have fun." Charlie smiled and turned to Dean, elbowing him in the process.

"Oh, no. We don't mind." Dean smiled too, but it was different from Charlie's. It was not a smile that reached his eyes.

He let Balthazar pull him out to the dance floor and into a fast song. He did not know how to handle that. He did his best though. There was a lot of movement. A couple near them was very skilled. He just did his level best to not crush Balthazar's feet. He also did his best to follow Balthazar's lead.

"You're good," Balthazar said over the noise of the band.

"No way. I'm totally just following your lead. I swear you are just seconds away from regret."

"Doubtful again." He swung Cas out, holding his hand as he did so. It looked graceful, and Cas couldn't believe that he was part of the move. They went through several songs like this, and Cas was finding it increasingly more exhilarating. His heart was pounding in his chest when the music finally calmed down into a slow song.

"Wow." He was breathing heavy now.

"Yeah. I thought I was going to have to give up." Balthazar pulled Cas to him, running his hands up around Cas' waist. "This is the speed that I had been hoping for when I asked you to dance."

"Really? You're a great dancer." Cas moved his arms around Balthazar's shoulders.

"Thanks. I just kinda didn't care about the grandiose movements. Slow dancing has another purpose." His lip curled up a little lasciviously.

"So I've been told."

"Looks like your friend is leaving." Balthazar nodded toward where he had left Charlie and Dean. Dean was already stalking off out of the yard.

"I should go find out if anything was wrong. You'll excuse me for a sec, right?" Balthazar's hands fell away.

"Sure. Come back though."

Cas made his way to Charlie. "What's up with Dean?" She was standing by the chair, staring off at the spot where Dean had been.

"I think that you should go talk to him." She was quiet when she spoke.

"Why? What happened?" Cas reached out and turned her to him.

"I really missed it, just how much he was already in this." She wasn't making sense. Cas was trying to process what she was saying. "You should go talk to him. He went back to his place."

"You need to tell me what's wrong. Was he having a Sam moment?" Sometimes Cas could just tell when Dean was thinking about Sam, and when that thinking was turning sad. It was possible that Sam had come with Dean to one of the mixers. Maybe he was reminded of that time.

"It was a Cas moment," Charlie said as she stared up into his eyes.

"What are you talking about?"

"He was fine while you two were dancing before. The fast songs didn't really affect him. He was watching though. He was even smiling at one point. I told him that he should cut in. He just gave me a look like he hadn't realized that was an option. I told him that you would probably like having him cut in. He disagreed with me and pointed off at you dancing and said something about what a great time you were having. I didn't know how to argue with him on that note. You were having a good time."

"I was, but I would have been fine with him cutting in. He likely didn't want to, and you shouldn't make him feel awkward about it. Is that why he left?" Cas pressed his hands into his pants pockets.

"No, he didn't feel awkward about that. He wanted to cut in. He didn't though, because he thought that you would not be happy to trade partners. Then the slow song came on. Balthazar pulled you in and you ran your hands up into his hair, and Dean got up right quick. He started to leave, and I stopped him. I asked him why he was going. He said that he had had a long day and that he was done. He wasn't happy when he left."

"Maybe he needs space." Cas thought out loud, a look of concern blanketing his features.

"Fuck it, Cas. Even if you don't want to admit why he left, at the very least you can acknowledge that he is upset and maybe needing his friend. Go check on him." She pushed at his arm a little. "I'm going to go home. You call me later and tell me how things went." He walked with her out of the courtyard.

"Ah, shit. I told Balthazar that I would come back." He turned half-heartedly.

"I'll go make your excuses. You go to Dean." She pushed him onward again.

"Thanks, Charlie." He moved off to the elevator and on the ride up felt oddly nervous. He could feel it in his stomach first, the feeling that one gets when they fall in a dream, only this was on repeat. He curled his arms around himself as the doors opened on their floor. He stepped out and paused before continuing. His heart was beating fast, like it had been during the dance.  _There was no reason for this_ , he thought.  _Dean was likely just having a Sam moment. Charlie misreads things all the time._  Still, he couldn't shake the feeling, like he couldn't shake the little static joy that would cruise through him every time that he saw Dean or felt him walking at his side.

He moved toward the end of the hall, past his own door. For a moment he considered calling it a night, giving Dean space in the process. It was an important moment. He had to push ahead though. If he didn't move ahead, he would just lay in his bed thinking about Dean, thinking about his sorrows, feeling guilty as he did so, because he had Sam's heart beating in his chest, and he would never think for one minute that he deserved this gift.

He rounded the corner and Dean's door was right there. He slowly reached out for the door, intending to knock, but it wasn't closed all the way. As his knuckles came into contact, the door opened. He rested his palm on it and pushed it the rest of the way open. Dean was standing at the window, looking down into the courtyard. The window was open and music was wafting up into the space. Dean turned to him as he opened the door. The light from outside the window was the only thing illuminating the space. Dean's face had a little glow from a combination of moonlight and the lanterns that were outside his window. "What's up, Cas?" His voice was low and husky in the dark. Cas pushed the door closed behind him and walked over to the window, over to Dean. He had a tumbler of some alcohol held by his fingertips.

"You left." There was so much more to say, but he didn't know where to begin.

"Yep." Dean moved the tumbler of alcohol to his lips and took a sip. He leaned into the window frame a little, not looking at Cas. "You should go back. You were having a good time."

"Why'd you leave?" He moved closer to his side. He leaned against the opposite window frame. The light was more on them now. He could see Dean's features better, pinched and sad.

"Had a long day." He looked at Cas then, like he really wanted him to believe it. "I'll just catch you tomorrow. Gonna get some rest." He forced a smile.

Cas reached out and took his tumbler and leaned over to set it on the end table next to them. "Nice try. Why'd you leave?" He wanted to touch him, wanted to let him know that he cared, but he didn't know if Charlie was right. He was so close to believing her though.  _Dean looked sad._  He reached out and rested his hand softly on Dean's arm.

Dean looked at the point of contact and then at Cas. He didn't speak. Cas could feel his heart hammering away in his chest. He needed to hear Dean's reason whatever it was. He let his thumb move over the fabric of Dean's white button up. It was the same shirt he wore when he had met up with him to tour the apartment. "I want you to be happy." Cas' other hand reached out to the line of buttons and ghosted over them.

"I am." He moved closer to Dean, eyes locked on his. He repeated, "I am." Their breathing was in sync as they swayed in impossibly closer to each other without any added contact. "I woke up this morning happier than I have ever been in my entire life. You know why?"

Dean's voice was low and deep like he had just woken up. "No, I don't."

"You, Dean." He took a risk. He moved his hand up Dean's arm and to the back of his neck. He let his thumb weave back and forth from skin to hair. Dean's breathing hitched up a little.

"You looked happier down there."

"Did I? I think that you weren't looking closely enough. You should have cut in, then you would have seen happiness." Cas felt Dean's hands move around his waist then.

The music from outside shifted from a fast, harsh song to a slow classic. Dean turned to the window for a moment and let out a tiny laugh. "Ash."

"What about Ash?"

"He always throws in a song from  _Back to the Future._  It's like his favorite movie. He could be playing a bunch of AC/DC covers one minute and the next it's something Chuck Berry would throw at a crowd." The melody swam up to Cas' ears. Ash had a good voice, low like he was trying to impart secret knowledge to you. He was strumming on his guitar and the words to "Earth Angel" were drawing out even the reluctant dancers. "You could probably get down there before the song ends, get your slow dance."

"Kinda thought that I was getting that with you, here." He pushed in closer, letting their bodies press against each other.

"Oh."

Cas raked his fingers through Dean's hair and felt Dean's fingers spread out on his his back. Dean's thumbs moved in unison in a soft caress of his sides. Cas wanted to move into a kiss. He believed that Dean would want it. He needed Dean to make the move though. He was a little taller than Cas, and so he would have to lean in, or Cas would have to pull him down, just a bit. The song outside was growing in volume as Ash made it through the chorus. Cas could feel the change in Dean's body where their hips pressed together. He glanced down and back up into Dean's eyes. "You want me," he said. It wasn't a question; it was a statement of fact. Cas could feel the want, not just in the press of their bodies, but in the very air that they were breathing. Dean's nod was almost imperceptible. Cas saw it though. "I'll never deserve you, but I want you too."

The words spurred something in Dean. He moved his hands up Cas' back and pulled him tight to his chest. He leaned in and kissed him. The softness of Dean's lips a contrast to the scrape of stubble at his jaw. Cas let his jaw go slack a little, his mouth parting to welcome Dean in. He pushed back at Dean with his body, until Dean was all the way back against the wall. He spread his own fingers wide in Dean's hair, enjoying the feel of it all between his fingers.

Dean's hands were moving along his waistband now, sliding along the boundary between his pants and shirt. His fingers were just grazing along his skin there in a way that made Cas shake a little at the sensitivity. Cas moved his hands from Dean's hair to the front of his shirt. He started unbuttoning from the top. This seemed to be the thing that set Dean on a bolder path. He ran his hands to the front of Cas' jeans and began unbuttoning the top button.  _Whoa, we're doing this._  His mind was already racing ahead to a moment not long from now where Dean's hand would be on him.

He finished unbuttoning Dean's shirt, and Dean unzipped Cas' jeans. Cas' lips migrated from Dean's lips to his jaw, to his neck. He had often wondered what he would taste like. He had imagined that Dean would taste like earth and warm leather. He imagined that he would be salty and sweet. He ran his tongue along Dean's pulse point. His neck now slick with Cas' ministrations. Dean shook, and his hand slipped into Cas' jeans, fingers curling into the space. Cas felt his body doing its own thing; his hips bucking up into Dean's hand. Dean's other hand pulled Cas' pants lower, freeing up the other hand. "God, I want…" Dean breathed out, his hand snaking into Cas' boxer briefs.

And there it was, everything, and all that he had cautiously hoped for but never believed could be his. Dean's hand was somewhat still for a moment, holding him in a firm grip. Cas pressed his lips into Dean's neck and chest, sucking at the rough places. His own hands raked down Dean's chest to his back, and then they dipped into the waistband of Dean's jeans. Dean's hand moved slowly, carefully. Cas let his own fingers knead into Dean as they dipped past the jeans still further. His eyes rolled back up into his head as Dean picked up the pace. His free hand gripped Cas just under his ass and lifted him up a little, pulling him into Dean's chest more. "Dean." His voice like sandpaper shook out of him.

He pushed down on the hemline of Dean's pants, needing to get him free. He wanted to see him, feel him. He made no progress though since Dean's pants were still completely fastened at the front. He was fighting a battle with himself over whether or not he wanted to break free from Dean to undo his pants, or if he was willing to just keep riding out the pleasure that he was receiving from Dean. "God, I've wanted you so much. I've thought about this so much." Dean had his face pressed up into the top of Cas' hair. He took a deep breath and added, "You smell like vanilla."

Cas laughed a little, a shuddering little sound that made him pull back a moment to just look at Dean. He smiled down at Cas. Dean's hand working still in a quiet rhythm. He decided then that he wanted to touch Dean more than anything else. He wanted it even more than he wanted Dean's hand on him, and he was certainly wanting that a great deal. He undid the button on Dean's jeans, then he fumbled with the zipper, getting it down with shaking hands. "I don't want you to think that I'm not enjoying, immensely, what you are doing, but I really need to get your pants off." Dean's eyebrow shot up then.

"By all means." Dean let go of him and pushed his palms out to the wall behind him. Cas slipped his hands into the sides of Dean's jeans and eased them down. They pooled around Dean's ankles. Cas stared at the black boxer briefs that were just a thin barrier between himself and all of Dean. He dragged his fingers up from Dean's thigh over the front of Dean's underwear. The shaky breath coming from Dean was doing so much to Cas' concentration.

"I want to do something." He looked up at Dean and then down. "I just don't have like any experience, so It might suck in the not good way." Dean reached out to Cas' chin and angled him up so that he was looking at him. He kissed him, slow and gentle.

"I won't know if you suck. I've never done this before. I'm gonna go out on a limb though, and say that whatever you do is going to be fucking hot."

"Not so sure. Seriously, tell me if you hate this."

"Damn, Cas. I don't know how else to say this, but you could literally sit in that chair over there as naked as you are right now, and I would likely start coming in minutes just watching you sit. So, I doubt, seriously, seriously doubt that you are capable of doing anything that I will hate." Cas pressed his hands to Dean's shoulders then and ran his lips in a slow drag from his neck down to his chest. Dean had his hands pressed back to the wall again. Cas dragged his nails down Dean's chest to his underwear. He fell to his knees then, mouth hanging open a little in front of Dean. A dawning realization seemed to take over Dean's face. "Yeah, I'm totally not hating this."

Cas nuzzled into the edge of Dean's thigh kissing the inside all the way up to the edge of his underwear. He pressed his thumbs into the top band and pulled them down. Cas just stared at him, and felt like he had lost all sense. His head was flooded with a dizzying spin of thoughts. His heart galloped at a speed that should have terrified him, but it didn't. He felt Dean's hand come up to his cheek. The way his thumb brushed back and forth over him, made Cas realize that he had never wanted anyone more. His lips parted and he pulled Dean to him.

Dean's moan of satisfaction drifted down to his ears. He hummed around Dean, pulling him deeper. "God, I love you." Cas stopped moving for a moment.  _Did I hear that?_   _No._  He focused again on Dean, and the task at hand. Dean's hand was woven into his hair. The second hand joined the first. Cas reached around and gripped Dean's ass, holding him close. Dean was saying his name over and over. Cas could tell that he was making a great effort not to thrust too hard into his mouth. "I'm there, Cas. I'm, Cas…" He could feel Dean pulling him back from his efforts. He let him; although, he had fully intended to take it all. He released Dean as Dean shook through his orgasm, hands still threaded through Cas' hair. "I did not hate that one bit." Dean looked down at Cas and Cas saw adoration the likes of which he had never been the recipient of before.

He pulled Cas up. "I'm glad." He took Dean's hand as he reached out to him.

"Come here." He pulled Cas away from the window. They stepped out of their pooled up pants as they went. They made their way into Dean's room. His bed was not made. He kissed Cas, lightly again as they stood by the side of the bed. When he broke the kiss, Dean said, "I want to see if I have your skills. Care to let me practice on you?"

"God, yes." Cas was grinning past the words. With that, Dean shoved him back onto the bed. "Well, now."

"Sorry. That was a little too eager huh?" Dean looked a little worried for a second.

"Nope, that was hella hot." He scooted up toward the headboard and Dean came down to him, wedging himself between Cas' legs. His head was nestled between Cas' neck and shoulder. Cas could feel the little brush of Dean's lips as they pressed in and out to him. "I've thought about this for what seems like forever."

Dean tipped back and looked at Cas. "When did it start for you?"

"I don't know. Maybe even when it shouldn't have. Like when I was in the hospital." He brushed his hand through Dean's hair.

"You mean I could have made a move like weeks ago, and you would have been fine with it?" Dean's face was more smile than anything else.

"Guess so. Although I would have been surprised. I thought that you were entirely straight." Dean kissed the tip of Cas' nose.

"Guess not. Looks like we both had some misconceptions about things. I thought that you just saw me as a friend." Dean angled himself up on his elbow and let his gaze glide over Cas. He reached down to the shirt that Cas was still wearing. He began pulling it up to remove it. Cas stopped him with a gentle hand.

"Um, I don't think that we should take that off."

"Why?" Dean looked at him confused.

"I don't look right. I don't think that I would be comfortable and maybe you wouldn't be either." Cas looked away for a moment. Dean reached up to cup his face.

"I don't understand." Dean pulled his face to his, kissing him. He slipped back and said, "Don't you get this? I want you Cas, all of you. You are the most attractive person I know, in clothes or out of clothes. You take your shirt off, and I will worship you just as much as I would have before, only I'll have access to your skin and we won't mess up your clothes. Pretty sure you'll need the shirt for when you eventually head back to your place."

"The scar is hideous, Dean. I don't think that you quite understand what you'll see."

"Then show me." Dean sat up then on the bed next to him. Cas scooted up into a sitting position and pulled his legs up to him.

Dean let him have the space that he needed to feel comfortable. Cas looked away for a moment worrying the seam at the hemline. Finally, after some minutes, he folded his hands around the hemline and pulled the shirt over his head. He clutched the shirt to his chest over the scar. "I can't...:"

Dean reached over and rested his hand on Cas'. He leaned in and kissed his forehead, then his temple. He moved along a path that he seemed to be making up as he went. He adjusted himself so that his legs were on either side of Cas'. He reached down to Cas' hips and pulled him down a little. Cas watched him warily, still clutching the shirt to his chest. "I plan to map out your body with my mouth. I plan to kiss every square inch of you. I'm going to start with your neck, and work my way down over your chest. I'll spend an inordinate amount of time on your legs, just close enough to everything that you'll likely be begging me to just get on with it. When I finally do, your shirt will be on the floor, long since forgotten. All you'll be thinking is my name and all you'll be feeling is me giving you the best night of your life."

Cas swallowed audibly. "I think I maybe blacked out a little just now."

"You can also tell me to stop if you want me to, anytime." Dean drew close. He kissed into Cas' neck. He worked his way down the other side now. He came to the center, to just over Cas' Adam's Apple. He pressed his palms to Cas' shoulders and slid them out along his arms until he got to Cas' hands, clutching the shirt. He bucked his hips into Cas. He was beginning to feel the new wave of desire with each of Dean's moves. Dean threaded his fingers through Cas' pulling his hands out to his sides and up over his head. "Want you." He mouthed into Cas's collarbone. He inched his way down. "Want you, so much." His lips streaked down lower, and lower. Cas' head fell back, eyes closed.

He was breathing hard again, the more Dean moved. Dean grazed over his body with his teeth, not biting him, just brushing over his skin a little. He was near the scar, but Cas wasn't entirely thinking about that, because Dean's hands had found an occupation. "Unfair distraction techniques."

"Like I said, I could stop if you want me to. Just say the word."

"No, don't stop."

"That was too coherent. I'm clearly not doing a good enough job." Dean twisted his wrist a little in a pleasant little move that sent Cas' mind swimming again.

"Gah, shit, that." Cas was panting out other not so coherent strings of words.

"Better." Dean sat up a little and moved down the mattress. He looked down from his perch slightly higher than Cas and smiled. "This is exactly what I've been wanting, needing. You just like this. I swear, Cas if you knew how often I thought of you like this, I don't know what you'd do." He dipped in again and kissed the side of his calf. Dean looked up from his lower position and watched as Cas followed his movements. He was slow, and methodical in his approach. Cas wanted to speed him up. He was already feeling like he couldn't take much more.

"Dean." He breathed out. It was all he could do. He hoped that it carried the rest of his desires in the tone. He hoped that it fully conveyed the feelings of,  _move the fuck up._  His hips gave an involuntary punch to the ceiling. Dean smirked. He moved to Cas' other leg, and began the careful mapping plan anew. "For the love of God, Dean."

Dean laughed and kept sucking kisses into his leg. He let his hands move up a little past his lips. Cas thought that it might lead to more contact. Dean's hands came to a stop at his thighs though. His fingers began kneading the flesh there. Dean moved up his leg, dragging his tongue along the inside where the skin was most sensitive. Cas moaned again and another string of incoherent words slipped out. "You seem to want something. What do you want me to do to you Cas?"

"No more legs." Dean laughed at him and made the last few inches of flesh a rush to the finish line. Dean hovered over Cas just long enough for him to feel hot breath on him. He opened his eyes and watched as Dean's mouth opened and slipped over him. It was warm and tight. He felt like he had no sense anymore of what was up or even real. He felt his eyes rolling back into his head as Dean's tongue moved lazily in his mouth around him. Cas lowered his hands to the sheets and found himself strangling them with each movement of Dean up and down. His whole sense of anything swirling, ebbing, flowing, everything was just Dean now, and his lips, his hands, his too beautiful mess of hair bouncing there just for him.

He was not sure how much more he could take. He was not controlling himself. He was a writhing, thrusting mess. His body was Dean's. Dean was the driver now. He was reaching for him. He was holding his head, wanting to warn him to stop, but not wanting to end anything. He finally knew that something had to give. He pulled Dean up a little. Dean slipped off of him. "What?"

"I'm there, so there." Cas was panting wanting Dean's hands on him.

Instead, Dean pressed his lips back down around Cas. He seemed to be throwing even more energy into the final lap. His hands got involved too. His eyes were on Cas' face, watching him as he came to the moment. The orgasm did not seem to surprise Dean. He kept Cas in place through each earth shattering moment of it. Cas' hands were clutching at him. His leg muscles were tight. The sounds coming from Cas as he came down, were nothing short of glory. Dean slowly eased off of Cas and crawled up to him. He tucked his arm up under Cas and pulled him close. Cas felt at home in the crook of Dean's arm. "Don't even think about leaving."

"Hmm." Cas felt his eyelids growing heavy.

"I mean it. You stay." Dean pulled the comforter over them both and kissed into Cas' hair. And if Cas had been more conscious, he'd swear he heard Dean say that he loved him.


	15. Chapter 15

Cas woke up so freezing cold that he was sure that the marrow of his bones had entirely turned to ice. He reached an arm out toward what he hoped would be a warm patch of Dean, but found that nothing was there to greet him except cold. It was ironic, in a way since his dreams had been fire and so much heat that he thought he might choke on it all.

He finally cracked an eye open and was a little blinded by the light that was slipping past the curtain to lay languidly across his face. He blinked and let his eyes focus. On Dean's pillow was a little a-frame piece of paper with his name on it. He rolled over more and propped his head up so that he might get a better look at it. His body was still waking up and despite the cold felt all loose and gummy from the night's activities. He smiled at the recollection.

He pulled the note to him and turned it over so that he could read the other side. The scrawl was Dean's. He had that distinctive script that seemed to match his personality, wild sharp letters that were still controlled within the spaces provided by college ruled lines. He dragged his fingers over the letters, Dean's letters.

_Cas,_

_I watched you sleeping. You sleep like the dead. I seriously could not wake you up, and I stared hard enough that you should have noticed. I even ran my hands through your hair and still nothing. I thought about calling in sick to work, but I'm not sick. I'm too fucking well to go to work. I'm pretty sure that there are ethics that I need to have, like not taking time off work for sex and such._

_Regardless, I made you coffee and breakfast, which will likely be cold by the time you wake up. I'll be working until 3:00. In an ideal world, you'll be in my bed when I get home. In a slightly less ideal world, I'll come home, and you'll be gone, but waiting for me in your apartment, where we will test out your bed. This is only less ideal, because it involves approximately five extra minutes of not being in the same room as you while I walk down the hall to your place._

_I hope you don't have regrets._

' _till 3:00 (actually it will take me 10 minutes to get home so 3:10),_

_Dean_

He reread the note three times. The last line bugged him. He started to get out of the bed, to find his phone. His clothes were all neatly folded at the end of the bed. He turned to the nightstand and saw that Dean had placed his phone there and had even plugged it into a charger. He pulled it to him and typed,  **The only regret that I have is that I sleep like the dead. Is it 3:00 yet?**

The response came back in seconds.  **9:07. I honestly hate time. It goes slow when you want it to go fast and fast when you have reason for it to be slow.**

**How poetic of you, Dean. Maybe you should be a writer, make your own hours and such.**

**I'll leave the writing to you. BTW you still need to show me your work.**

**Meh.**

**Are you still in my bed and mehing at me?**

**I am still in your bed and have yet to find the energy for clothing, so yeah. Meh.**

**God, no details like that when I still have six hours to get through.**

**Okay, fine. I'll just tell you about how freezing it is in your apartment.**

**Seriously? It's like 80 degrees out. You should be roasting in there.**

**Hmm, guess I should get dressed then. Clearly, I am not normal.**

**Wouldn't have you any other way.**

**Normal or Clothed?**

**Both. See you in a million hours.**

**K**

Cas clutched the phone to his chest, feeling the coolness of the metal edges on his skin. He wanted to just keep laying there, but the bodily urges of the morning were catapulting him out of the blankets. He stumbled a little toward the bathroom. A cold fog came from his lips as he stood in front of the mirror. "80 degrees, my ass." It was then that he heard a noise coming from the other room. He leaned out of the bathroom door and tried to concentrate on it. The bedroom door was closed, so the sound was muffled. There was definitely someone in the living room.

He was naked. He debated getting dressed before confronting the intruder, but he worried for a moment about losing the element of surprise. He picked up a baseball bat that Dean had leaning against the back of the closet. He crept slowly to the door, and in one swift move threw it open with a yell as he raised the bat up over his shoulder.

Ruby stood across from him and yelled too. "Goddamn it, Cas. What the Hell are you doing here?" Her eyes popped down to his way way naked body and she added, "Where are your clothes?"

Cas dropped his hands down to obtain some minuscule sense of modesty. "I thought that you were a burglar. Shit. Let me get dressed. I'll be right back."

"Don't get dressed on my account. The view's plenty fine." She smirked. Cas edged back into the room and closed the door. He pulled on the clothes as quickly as he could and then made his way back out to the living room. Ruby was grinning away like she had discovered the greatest secret in all the universe. "So, you and Dean, huh?"

"That appears to be the case." He waved out at the boxes that were on the table. She had apparently been looking through them. "What were you doing?"

"I was looking for some stuff of Sam's.I thought that I told Dean about it. Guess he didn't mention to you that I might stop in. Looks like he maybe had other things on his mind." She started putting the boxes back on the floor where they had been before.

"Yeah, he may have missed sending out that memo. Sorry about the Full Monty startle-fest there."

"I've got a great memory, and you in all of your naked glory will be on memory repeat for some time. So, are you like living here now?" She had one more box to put on the floor, but she didn't. Instead, she began thumbing through it. It looked like it had a ton of papers and such.

"No. This is kinda new, like last night kinda new." He wandered into the kitchen.  _This moment requires copious amounts of coffee._  He flicked open a cabinet and was happy to see that he picked right the first time. Dean had a wide assortment of brightly colored mugs. He pulled out a green one and filled it with coffee. He turned to Ruby and said, "Coffee?"

"Nah, kinda need to get some real food." Dean had left him some toast and a sad little pile of eggs that had gone cold. Cas doctored up the coffee and leaned into the counter to drink it down.

He then scooped the eggs up and ate them, thinking about how Dean put them together for him. He ate the cold toast too, and made a solemn vow to get up with Dean the next time that breakfast was being made. Toast after all is best served not cold. "You wanna come by my place? I'll throw together some breakfast, lunch or whatever this time calls for."

She turned to him and seemed to consider. "You look like you already ate."

"No where near enough. Come on." He beckoned her to the door. He turned the little lock on the door handle. "I assume you have keys and can get us back in later." He smiled as she stepped past him.

"Nah, I just picked the lock. But, yeah, I can get us back in." He pulled the door closed and they walked to his place. He left his shoes in Dean's place. The feel of the hard carpet under his feet felt a little funny. Ruby picking Dean's lock also felt a little funny.

"You always go around picking locks?"

"Actually, yeah. I learned it at Maker Faire a few years ago. It is a way valuable skill to have. Sam use to forget his keys all the time. I saved us so much money. It has come in handy in other places too." She trailed off a little, obviously proud of her criminal skills.

"Well, I'll remember to call you over a pricey locksmith if I ever forget my keys." He sent her a little smile which she returned. He fished out his keys from his pocket and opened his door. He walked right into the kitchen and surveyed the space. Somehow he still felt cold. "Is it cold in here?"

"Yeah, a little." Ruby stood off to the side and ran her hands up around herself in a bit of a hug.

Cas kicked out a dining chair. "Here, sit." His laptop was open on the table, but the screen was sleeping. He moved it over and swiped his finger over the trackpad to wake it. He typed in his password and saw that he had an email from Charlie, that he ignored. He walked away from it to the fridge. "So, sandwiches?"

"Sounds fine." She reached over to the laptop and swiveled it toward her. She clicked on the trackpad.

"Whatcha doin'?" Cas moved back over to the laptop.

"Snooping on your laptop." Her eyes went wide. "Uh, Cas, what the Hell is this?"

He spun the laptop back to him and saw that she was looking at the first chapter of his little story. He had meant to change the character names in that chapter, but he hadn't managed it yet. The rest were all Megs and Adams, but chapter one was all Ruby and Sam.  _Shit._  "I write things. I liked your name and Sam's. I changed them in the later chapters though." He hoped that she wouldn't feel like her whole privacy was invaded. She turned the laptop back to herself and looked at the screen again. Her brows knitting up as she read.

"Did Dean tell you how we met or something?" She looked up at him then went back to the reading.

"Uh, no. Why?" Cas leaned on the back of the chair next to her. He wanted to take the laptop away, close it up. He couldn't figure out how to do it though without being rude.

She looked up at him, brows still knitted. "Of course he did. No way you could know this stuff if he didn't tell you. I mean this is totally how Sam and I met."

"He didn't tell me this. I dreamed it. I dreamed it, and then I wrote it." He gripped the back of the chair more. There were things in the story that he didn't want for her to read. There were things that surely would be unpleasant for her to read, seeing as she viewed the opening chapter as accurate.  _No way in Hell she should read about Sam dying._

She scrolled a little. He wasn't sure how far. She looked upset.  _Shit._  "You chose the names Meg and Adam."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know. They just came to me." He felt nervous. His stomach was a gymnast, and it was not winning the gold medal. He needed to get the laptop away from her.

"Out of all of the names, in all of the world, that you could pick, you picked these two names." It was almost a question, but what made it worse, was that it wasn't. It was more like she just needed to say this to herself. He reached out then and pressed the laptop closed.

She looked up at him. "Let's eat." He turned back to the fridge and pulled out the sandwich paraphernalia. He set it out on the table and they each slapped together the finished products. They ate in silence and Ruby seemed to be thinking too much in the space of that silence. Her eyes kept fluttering over to the laptop like she would burn it if she could. Cas watched her over his choked down sandwich, worrying a napkin in his lap between bites. "I'm sorry. I didn't intend for anyone to ever see it." He nodded over to the laptop.

"Hmm." She was mid-bite. She methodically chewed and stared at him. "I don't like it. I'd be happy if you deleted it."

He didn't want to do that. He wanted to finish it. It felt like it was almost going to tell him something, something that he needed to know. None of his other stories had been like this. They had developed out of a plan, an outline, a finish line clearly laid out up ahead. This story was something else entirely. He never knew what fresh details would come out of his dreams. When he wrote, it was like he was not himself. He could almost feel himself floating off in the corner as his hands danced over the keys, spelling out the rich details of Sam and Ruby's lives.

He didn't want to upset her though. So he told her what he thought that she would want to hear. "Sure Ruby. Like I said, I'm really sorry."

They finished eating, Ruby looking no less settled as the meal progressed. Cas got up and cleared away the sandwich fixings. He noticed that Ruby's hand was hovering near the laptop. The room felt colder suddenly. He wasn't sure why, but something in him propelled him toward her. Her hand darted out to the side, a half empty glass of water was there. She spilled it. Cas got his hands to the laptop and scooped it off the table before the water got to it. It was almost unnatural, the speed with which he moved. Ruby jumped back from her chair and swore. "Sorry." She started swiping at the table with her sleeve. "Shit, sorry." Cas set the laptop over on the counter, far from the scene of chaos. He snatched up a dishrag and wiped up the water.

"No worries. No damage."

"God, you have catlike reflexes." She stepped back from the table as he wiped up the last of the water. She edged back to the wall. "I think I'm gonna get going."

He looked up at her settling the towel on the chair as he did so. "You don't have to if you just wanted company."

"No. I'm good. I'm getting use to the alone thing." She looked off away from him. "Actually, I'm not ever going to be use to it." She leveled her gaze on him. "I miss him. Seeing his name in your story, it really set me off."

"I'll delete it." He looked at her and hoped that she would believe him. He didn't like the look of desperation that blanketed her face.

"Thanks, Cas. And for what it's worth, I'm really happy for you and Dean. Guess John and Mary misread you two a little. They said it was like Dean was getting a new brother with you around." Her look softened a little as she turned to the door.

"I'm definitely not that." He did his best to sound lighter. He opened the door and she walked out into the hall.

"See ya around."

"Yeah. See ya around," he replied as he slowly closed the door on her retreating form.

He should have told Dean about Ruby's visit immediately. Cas kept replaying aspects of it over in his mind. There were things that he found troubling about it. He wondered if it was just because of the dreams or if it was something more. It was getting harder and harder to separate out the two, his dream world and his waking world. Ruby, for instance, was not just Ruby; she was also the woman that occupied so much of his sleeping mind. The things that she did there though, stood in contrast to what he saw of her in his waking life, until today that is.

There was a knock on his front door. He looked over at the clock. It was after 3:00. He was certain that it was Dean. He had been quietly trying to occupy himself as the time ticked down. He needed to share what had happened, how it had made him feel. Talking about it would help. He reached the door and opened it, and all of his plans fell apart.

Dean was standing there, slightly out of breath, like he had run up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. He was still wearing his work clothes, the tight navy blue t-shirt with the loose pants held up by suspenders. Cas felt his own breathing hitch up at the sight of him. All thoughts of conversation seemed to scatter from his mind. "If my memory serves, I think that you said that you liked this outfit once." Dean took a step into Cas' apartment and into his space. He pushed the door closed behind him and moved closer to Cas as he did so. "I thought that I'd find you at my place still. I made an unnecessary stop. Would have just come right here if I'd have known."

"Uh." Dean pushed closer to him. Cas felt his back come into contact with the wall behind him. Dean's chest pressed up against him. Cas found words through some miracle of will. "I was going to go back, but I was locked out."

Dean's hand ran up his arm. He looked down at Cas through the veil of his lashes a grin stretching out, making small lines form at the edges of his eyes. "I almost faked being sick so that I could come home early."

"You should have."

"It was busy today. I would have felt guilty. Still, I almost did though."

Cas ran his thumbs under Dean's suspenders and pulled him by them. He walked backwards toward his room, towing Dean along. "I need to tell you about my day."

"After." Dean leaned in and kissed him. It was light and sweet. He gradually deepened the kiss. It was a leisurely process that made Cas forget his words again. His hands slid down the track that the suspenders made, and he felt like everything was just fog and him and Dean. Dean let him go and Cas' legs were a little weak, so he slumped down to the bed that was behind him. He hadn't remembered getting so close to it. He remembered moving together but not so much. Dean stood over him, and Cas stared up into his face. He let his eyes rake down his body. The pants were so loose. He wanted to slip the suspenders off his shoulders, watch gravity take over, do its fucking job.

Instead he found words again, "We have to talk."

Dean hooked a finger up under the left suspender and dragged it off his shoulder. The side of his pants dipped, a hint of what was to come. There was skin, skin he had seen before, but the fact that it was usually covered, a secret meant only for him, made his body twitch in anticipation. "You sure?"

 _About what?_ "I don't even remember what I said before. I find you distracting."

Dean hooked up his thumb under the second suspender and slowly dragged that one over too. He was all confidence and bravado. In a word, the very personification of everything that Cas found hot. "Good." He released the suspender and gravity did not get the memo. The pants clung to his hips as if they knew, just knew how much Cas wanted them to fall and they were determined to mock him from those fucking hips. Cas leaned forward and pressed his lips to those hips. The moan of contentment that he got from Dean was intensifying his desire to speed up the process.

He found words again. After all, maybe he could talk and not talk at the same time. "Ruby came to your place." He kissed from one side of Dean's body over to the other, lips trailing along the lower reaches of his stomach.

Dean tensed up a little and reached down to Cas' chin, angling his face up to look at him. "What did she want?"

"So, now you are ready to talk." Cas smirked up at him, running his fingers up the inner seam of his pants.

"Talk quick before I change my mind. Is she okay?" He took a tiny step back and Cas' hands fell away from him. He must have looked disappointed, because Dean stepped back up to him. He dropped down to the bed and sat right up next to Cas.

"She broke in."

"She what?" Dean looked confused.

"I woke up and heard a sound coming from the other room. I thought that there was a burglar in the house, so I got something to fight with and went out into the living room. I didn't even put on clothes, just so you know."

"Are you crazy? What if it had been someone dangerous? You don't just go all naked commando on fucking burglars, Cas."

"Yeah, well it was instinct and adrenaline. Luckily, it was just Ruby. It was weird though."

"I'd say. Why did she break into my place?"

"She made it seem like it was something that she did sometimes, like I shouldn't think of it as a big deal. She was looking for some paperwork that she said she needed. Something about Sam. Like I said, it was weird. I got dressed and took her back to my place for an early lunch and to get her out of your place." Cas folded his hands together in front of him. He worried that he had made assumptions about Ruby that Dean would find disconcerting. He had assumed that she was not there for entirely noble reasons, but he didn't want to say it outright.

"Did she say what the papers were?"

"No."

"That is weird." Dean shifted a bit in his spot next to Cas. "It also means that she knows about us."

"Yes. She seemed a little pleased with the knowledge."

"She would. She always seemed to like having insider info. It means that I'll need to tell mom and dad about us sooner rather than later." Dean huffed out a sigh and slumped over a little.

"That worries you?" Cas reached over and rested a hand on his back. He hadn't considered their reaction in any of this.

"No, I just wanted to have this for just us for a little while before other people knew. I liked the idea of no one else having a clue, because it was like if they didn't know then you were just mine."

"I can still be just yours even if they know." He leaned over and kissed the side of his lip then he laid his head on Dean's shoulder. "So, they won't be weird about it?"

"They'll be like your parents, I think. My dad might be a little weird. He only pictures me with women, but they aren't bigots or anything." Cas tipped his head back a little and stared at Dean's neck. It was a funny vision, being this close to him, all the little hairs right up next to him. There was a hickey that was small, but clearly there on his collarbone. Cas grinned and tapped it with his finger. Dean looked down at Cas. "Yeah, thanks for that. Saw it in the mirror after a couple of the guys asked me if I had had a nice night. They were using their tone of implication on me, and I couldn't figure out how they knew until I got into the bathroom and saw your little present there. Don't know how I missed it this morning. Must have been in a bit of a haze then."

"I have that effect." Cas smirked. Dean moved out from the bed and onto him, pressing him back into the mattress.

"You do. Do we need to talk more?" His lips were already descending to his neck and Cas was sure that Dean was trying to leave a little present for him now too.

"She tried to knock over a glass of water onto my laptop, because she didn't like what I had written on it." Cas wasn't sure why he couldn't just go with the Dean flow, but he wanted to get it all out, the whole weirdness of his day with Ruby.

Dean popped up. "What had you written?" That was not a question that he wanted to answer. Dean might feel the need to dowse his laptop next.

"You're right. We can talk later. More of this please." Cas let his hands trail down Dean's back and Dean kept staring at him as if he wasn't sure whether or not to talk or act.

"You'll tell me after?"

"I will." He promised quickly, but he didn't really want to keep the promise. It was good enough for Dean though, because he resumed his duties. Cas chose to fall into the fog that was his bed, and the world outside of Dean no longer existed.

The next night Dean worked, but he would be home the following night. Cas slept and dreamed and woke up at his usual 3:00 am hour. He wrote more of the story, and as the morning greeted him with a rosy colored sky, he felt himself getting sucked back into a fuller consciousness. He looked over the story and made a decision.

It had been all well and good to share this with Missouri, but he needed to know if he was crazy for thinking that Sam was really talking to him. He had considered showing Dean the story. He had considered just telling him. He didn't know how to make that conversation happen though. He felt a chill growing in the room and his heart sped up with the temperature change.

He considered another option now. Dean would be out at work all day, so this would be the time to do it. He hit print on the story, and when it was done, he put it in a folder to take to Ruby's later. First he had to build up the courage. After all, the last time that she had been around Cas she had tried to drown the laptop just to destroy the story. Maybe this time would be different.

If things went well, he thought that maybe he would be able to get back to the apartment before Dean. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell him. It was that he needed to just tell one person at a time.  _Let's just focus on Ruby for right now._

_ _

 


	16. Chapter 16

He stood in front of her house. The air had the taste of autumn in it, the earthy tones of leaves that had already begun to molder in the soil beneath his feet. There was a warm breeze that kicked up around him, blowing his hair a bit into his face. He reached up and brushed it back a little. Some of it was long enough now that he could tuck it back behind his ear. The lights were on in her livingroom and in the kitchen area. He closed his eyes and could picture the layout of the whole place. The downstairs with the living, dining, and guest room with adjoining bathroom were all decorated in a style that had a great deal of wood and the type of charm one might expect to see in a  _Sunset_ magazine feature.

The stairs ran along the wall opposite the living room. Guiding one upwards were the pictures of their family, group shots intermingling with just the two of them on vacations and just around the house. At the top of the stairs was a long hall that had their master bedroom, a bathroom, and another room that had remained closed since that night so many months ago now. The door handle had a fine layer of dust covering it, but the floor in front of it was warm with Ruby's presence.

He shook his head and stepped forward. Much as he wanted to avoid this, he knew that he owed her this, owed Sam this too. He clutched the folder to his chest and said, "Okay, Sam. I'm ready." Cas moved up the steps to the front door, raised his hand, and knocked. He could hear the shuffling movements inside. He thought that he should have called first, but how would that conversation have gone.  _Hey, Ruby. Got a message for you from Sam._  He had determined that there was just no right way to do this except in person. And now, more than ever, he needed to make sure that she understood. There was too much danger out there if she didn't.

The door opened. Ruby stood there in her grey blouse and black slacks. She had her hair tucked back behind her ears and a dish towel clutched in her hands. "Cas?"

"Hey, Ruby. Hope you don't mind, but I needed to come by and visit." He had run over this in his head nearly a million times. None of the mental head games had prepared him for the reality of standing here in this moment.

"Uh, of course. I'm just cooking dinner. You hungry?" She waved him in and then lead him back to the kitchen. It looked just like it had in his mind. The massive center island with all of its smooth white tile. The pot rack mounted over it, cast iron and strong. Sam had put it there. Ruby had held part of it up while he had gotten it in place. It had fallen a little and had hit him on the head. Ruby held a bag of frozen peas on his head afterwards to help with the swelling. Her gentle fingertips smoothing away a headache that loomed on the periphery.

"You have a nice home."

"Thanks. Is everything okay? Dean?" She was on the other side of the center island next to her cutting board and the half chopped onion.

"Dean's fine. I just…" He ran his hand up through his hair and slumped into the stool on the other side of the island. He couldn't look at her directly. He set the folder on the counter and stared at it instead.

She picked up the knife and started chopping the onion then. There was a pot next to her that had a bubbling broth in it. There was a pan in front of her that she poured a little oil into, then the onions. "You know, I won't mention anything to John or Mary about you and Dean. It's not my place to share. So, if you are worried about that, don't. I'm happy for you both and I want Dean to be allowed to share the information as he sees fit. Just know that you have me in your corner."

Cas looked back up at her. "Thank you." She stirred the onion mixture a bit. They had caused her to tear up a little. The tears had carried with them two little streaks of mascara rich water from her eyes. The black trails looked like smoke escaping from her in little rivulets. It reminded Cas of all that had been taken from her, from all of them. The smoke would never clear, and they would never have peace if he didn't tell her everything.

A cold settled on him. It pierced to his bones, and seemed to settle in deep inside of him. It was like when he was writing only deeper, more all consuming. He felt himself falling back from himself, could almost see his body like it was in front of him. "That's not why I came tonight." He still had to be careful. She had suffered enough from shock in the past.

She looked at him, trying to read something in his face that maybe wasn't there before. "Really? What's wrong, Cas?" She leaned into the counter a little while her food bubbled and sizzled in front of her.

The folder was pushed a little toward her. "This is the story that you saw the other day."

"I asked you to destroy it, not bring it to me. I saw enough of it already." She stiffened a little. Her face hardening with the beginnings of anger.

The coldness overtook Cas, and then he was not himself. He held up a hand and said, "Please. Hear me out." The words, the way that they sounded, seemed to affect her. She softened. "Each night, I could dream. And each night I could have a few moments, hours actually, to write it all out. It is a temporary thing, but it has produced this." He patted the folder.

"You aren't making sense, and you are kinda freaking me out. I think that maybe you should leave." Ruby had her hand on the counter but it was also very close to her knife.

"Ruby." The one word was laced with emotion. It was affection and warmth in the cold spot near the island. Her brows came together. "You need to read the story. It is everything. It is how we met, and everything in between. It is the way that the world was for us, for Dean, for everyone. It is about how much you were loved, are loved."

"Leave, Cas."

He got up then and moved to her. Surprisingly, she did not retreat. He reached up a hand to her cheek. His thumb brushed back and forth across the expanse of skin there. He leaned in and pressed his nose to her forehead, tipping her head forward so that the bridge of his nose framed the top of her head. He breathed in deeply and she did the same. "It is about you becoming my wife in a tiny county courthouse, because we just couldn't wait." She breathed in a sharp gasp. "It's about how much I loved you and our secret. How I could call you my wife, even before the rest of the world would know it was a thing. It was about having something that was just mine and always would be." He breathed in a sharp breath now. "Ever and always." It had been something that Sam had said to her in the still and quiet nights, their little  _I love you,_ their little promise. They didn't say it anywhere except when they were alone together. It was only for them, and that made it special. He repeated it again, "Ever and always, Ruby."

She shook; her hands came up and clutched at his. "Sam?" The one word a shaky breath of air that puffed out onto his neck.

"Yes," he breathed back. Her hands were struggling to pull him closer, wrapping tight around his back. He could feel her legs giving up. She slumped down, and he went down to the floor with her, cradling her in his arms as he went. "I've got you. I've got you." He pulled her up into his lap and rocked her there. The food was popping and sizzling more above. He reached up and twisted the knob for the heat to the off position.

They stayed there on the floor for a time. She leaned back, eventually, and held his face in her hands. She stared at him like she could really see him. "You came back to me."

"I had to. I was worried about you."

"I prayed to you. Every night."

"I'm sorry." There was so much more to say, but nothing that could fix the hurt. So they said nothing for a time. The silence stretched out, and she settled her back against the wall of the island. His arm was still around her though too.

"Why Sam? Why didn't you just come to me?" Her face was all tear streaks and blotchy with the crying.

"I had no choice, still don't. I'm tethered to him, because of the heart. I'm not going to be for much longer though. I can feel it. I'm sorry, Ruby. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to leave you, them." He moved his other hand out around her side near her stomach. He stroked the spot there with his thumb. They both looked down at his hand and then back up at each other in sync.

She pressed her head to his shoulder. "Why'd you die? Dean was so close. He said he could have saved you if you had just lasted a little longer." She shook again, a fresh wave of sobs overtaking her frame.

"It was just my time, Ruby. It was quick. Trust me when I say, there was nothing that anyone could have done. I did everything that I could to live, to come back to you, to all of you."

She was shaking much harder now. Her words muffled in his shoulder. He pushed her back a little to better understand her. She just kept repeating, "I tried to save 'em. I tried so hard. I tried to save 'em. I tried to save 'em."

"I know. I know." He pulled her back to him and rocked her until the words grew softer again. "You fought for a long time. My strong girl. My beautiful, strong girl." He smoothed her hair and kissed her temple.

"3:00 am," she murmured. "I lost everything then."

"Not everything. There is still you." He kept kissing her, little gentling presses of his lips to her cheek and along her hairline.

"I was alone."

"I know."

"I."

He stopped her with a press of his lips to hers. She was breathing in shaky breaths around the kiss. It was not deep or passionate. It was not desperate or clinging. It was a kiss that was quiet and gentle. It was a soft brush of air, a light moment of contact in a dark space. They parted and he said, "I have to leave soon."

"I'll be alone again." Her words were quiet and spoken against his cheek now. His hand threaded through the rich mass of deep brown hair at the base of her neck.

"Don't let yourself be alone. Go to my mom, my dad, Dean. They're your family too now. They always were." And it was true. They had been more family to her than the father that had abused her, the mother that had abandoned her. They had loved her and cried with her. They had laughed with her and had mourned with her. They were her people and she was theirs too.

"They weren't with me when it happened. 3:00 am."

"They didn't know."

"I know. I laid there and waited. Thought that I'd wake up if I closed my eyes. It had to be a bad dream. I'm still waiting to wake up." He kissed her forehead and leaned back again.

"I need to tell you something." There was a feeling of desperation now. Time had been passing swiftly despite their desires to the contrary, and there was only so much of it left.

"Yes." She watched his face, her own was expectant, calm.

"You're in danger." He hadn't meant to be so direct, but he could feel the pull, the way that it always ended.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know who it is, but there is a man. He has been following you. Read the story. It isn't finished yet, but that is only because I don't know how it ends. He's out there though, and I think that he is still watching you, watching Dean too." His breath was coming out ragged and sharp. He did not have much time left.

"What does he look like? Who do you think he is?" She clung to his arms, perhaps sensing that he was leaving her.

"He started the fire. I don't know who he is or what he looks like, but I do know that he did this, and that he wants to finish it. He keeps showing up outside of Dean's apartment, the station house, and here. I need you to tell the police that there is a man lurking in your neighborhood. Don't tell them about all of this, but tell them that there is something creepy about him, that you think that he might be a peeping tom. He usually wears a dark hoodie. He's older though, not a kid. His skin is very pale, like he doesn't get out much. That's all I've got. You need to be careful. Try not to be alone. Go to my parent's place or Dean's. I need you to be safe."

"Okay, Sammy." She pulled him back to her.

The pull was growing stronger. Time. Time measured in days, measured in hours, measured in minutes, measured in seconds. Time, sun rises. Time, a whirl of stories that stretch out ahead of them, a tapestry now unraveling into a heap of threads. Time, her heartbeat. Time, her breath. Time, so little of it, and so much of it too. Time, and there was just them, just the infinity of the air and dreams that wrapped up tight around them. He breathed and time passed and on an inhale he was whisked away. There was never enough time. There could never be enough time. Cas felt the shift, the agony of it, the want of time that he had always understood, and now felt again, but it was not his desire. He had time. Sam and Ruby did not.

When he left her, Cas worried that he shouldn't. She told him not to think about it. She told him that she would go stay with John and Mary for a time, at least until the police caught the man that Sam had warned them about. Cas felt better about that.

He had walked back to his car. It had still been rather late and the night was not entirely banished by the sunrise. He pulled out his phone as he walked and saw that he had a message from Dean.  **Why aren't you home yet. Getting worried.**

He felt a wave of guilt wash over him. There were missed calls too. He typed in a quick reply as he got into his car.  **On my way home. Will explain when I get there.**  He pulled away from the curb and sped off to the apartment. He wondered if Dean was even still up or if he had finally succumbed to the need for sleep.

The air whipped by, and the crisp early morning cold was making his nose red. He could feel the bite of it on him the faster he drove. He took the freeway and it got colder. He exited and wound his way through the city back to Dean. He parked the car and made his way to the apartment. The world was quiet in the twilight. His steps sounded hollow and echoed out around him. The clopping noise of it followed him all the way down the sidewalk and into the complex.

He made his way to the elevator. He pushed the button and stood there staring at the brushed metal surface. His breath was cold and cloudy in front of him. It wasn't normally this cold inside. There was movement at his side. He turned and a man was standing there, waiting for the elevator. The doors opened and they both moved in. Cas took a spot on the back wall. The man took a spot near the buttons. Cas was about to move forward to push the four, but when he leaned out a little, he noticed that it had already been pushed.

"Which floor, buddy?" The man asked.

"Fourth."

"Oh."

They went back to their silent spots. Cas tipped his head back against the wall and stared up at the mirrored ceiling of the elevator. He was tired. It had been a long night. He thought that maybe Dean would let him explain later after maybe four hours of sleep at a minimum. He huffed out a sigh, knowing that that would not be how his evening would end.  _Well, technically not evening anymore._  His eyes focused suddenly on the man in the mirror. His dark hoodie, his pale skin, and was he older? Cas felt his heart kick up the pace. His breathing became a jagged thing that he had to get under control. The door opened and the man put his hand out to hold the door, waving as he did so for Cas to pass.

He moved out into the hall and began walking. The man was behind him. He didn't know if he should go to his place or Dean's. He could hear his heart beating in his ears, the rush of blood like an ocean wave pounding the surf in his head. The man was too close. He couldn't handle it. He stopped at his door, and the man passed. He rounded the corner. Cas pulled out his phone and called Dean. He went into his apartment as the phone rang. One ring, two rings, three rings.

"Cas."

"Don't answer your door."

"Okay, why?" Cas could hear the sleep still heavy in Dean's voice. He had managed some rest apparently.

"There's a man in the hall. Something's off with him. I think that he was going to your door."

"Where are you, Cas? I swear I was up half the night worrying about you, and this is how you wake me up." Dean breathed out an exasperated sigh. There was a noise. "Oh."

"Oh, what?"

"Someone's knocking on my door. You sure it isn't you?"

"Sure. Don't answer it. I'm coming to you." Cas grabbed an umbrella from the hall closet.  _Not a weapon. Goddamnit, why don't I own a bat, a crowbar, a blessed cane even?_ He clutched the end of the umbrella handle and made his way down the hall. He rounded the corner and was ready for confrontation. No one was at Dean's door. He stood there, looking, he thought, like an idiot with his umbrella ready for stabbing, and no one was there. He walked up to Dean's door and knocked. Then he took out his phone and typed  **It's me. Let me in.**

Dean opened the door with a grin. "So, you fought off the intruder with an umbrella. My hero." Dean's lip curled up in a grin, half mocking, half affection. "Get in here you doof." he pulled Cas in and closed the door behind him. Cas turned and dragged the deadbolt over. "You are worried?"

"I am." Dean looked more serious now and pulled Cas to him. He felt safer now, like nothing could hurt him here. "You said someone was knocking."

"Someone was. You must have scared them off with your umbrella." Dean kissed down into his hair. "I'm glad you're here regardless." He moved Cas over to the bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the mattress. "Next time, though, could you maybe call? You know, let me know where you are."

"I'm sorry." He wasn't sure how to explain. He didn't think that it would come out right. He worried that Dean would just think that he was crazy. Maybe worse than that, Cas thought,  _What if he does believe me? How will he feel about the fact that he had a rather profound bond with Sam? Something like that could not do any good in their very new relationship._

"So, you gonna tell me what is going on or what?" Dean's hand smoothed down his back. Cas wondered if the man was still out there, if he was waiting. He also wondered if he had been wrong, if now everyone was a suspect, just lurking, ready to pounce.

"You know how you had asked to read my story?" Cas paused, waited for confirmation. Dean nodded. "Well, I went to Ruby's house."

"Ruby's?"

"Yeah. I brought her the story. She had seen part of it before. I wanted her to have the rest."

"Wait. You let her read it? I've been asking for weeks now." He tossed himself back on the bed and formed a base for his head with his hands. Cas curled up beside him in the space that seemed to be made for him.

"When you read it, you'll understand why." He nuzzled his way deeper into Dean's side. Dean reached around and hugged him closer. Cas added, "I want you to read it. I haven't slept all night. While I sleep, I want you to read it, then we can talk. I'll explain everything. I hope that you won't hate me. I just never knew what I was doing until it was done, and even then, I didn't get it."

"You've got me worried, Cas." He reached down and angled Cas' face up to his. "Are you okay? Are we okay?"

"I hope so. I want us to be...okay."Dean sat up and Cas did too. He moved over to Dean's computer on the desk. I can pull up the story from the cloud if you let me use your computer. Dean moved past him and turned it on. He typed in his password and opened up the browser. He moved aside and Cas took over. His whole body was shaking with exhaustion. He got the file open though and looked at Dean. "I'm gonna actually sleep over there. You should take this in the other room and read it all. Don't wake me up until you get to the end. Then we can talk."

"Okay, Cas." He scooped up the laptop and walked out of the room shutting the door behind him.  _It's done, Sammy. He'll know now._

He slept and and did not dream. His mind had worked hard enough, apparently and even Sam had decided to give him a break. He did not wake up on his own. Instead it was to the sound of his name. "Cas." He came back to the world with a series of blinks. Ruby settled into the bed at his side. She reached over and brushed the hair back out of his face. "Is Sam…"

"No." He sat up and her hand fell away, a look of disappointment on her face.

"Where's Dean?" He looked back at the door to the living room.

"He's not out there?" He got up and looked for himself. The laptop was closed and on the table. A note was laying on it. He picked it up and read.  _I know who he is._

Ruby read over his shoulder. "What does that mean?"

"I gave him the story to read. He was supposed to wake me up when he finished it. I was going to explain." Cas let the note fall down at his side.

"Oh no. No, no, no, no." She grabbed his hand and looked at the note again. "I know who he is going after. We have to stop him."

"What are you talking about?"

Ruby began pulling him after her. "Come on. Call the police on the way." He yanked her arm to a stop. "It's Alastair Camden. He's the guy I had been investigating for insurance fraud. Dean had been looking into him too. He burned his home to collect the insurance money on it. His family was inside. He apparently wanted a fresh start. We, I mean, Dean figured out how he did it. I filed the paperwork denying the claim."

"Did you turn the information over to the police?" Cas asked.

"I turned it over to my boss. He filed it and also spoke with Al, told him that his claim had been denied and that we would be turning his case over to the authorities for further investigation." She looked like she was desperate to move. "You see, he knew that it had to look like an accident to make the claim. What he didn't count on was Dean's clever brain."

She began pulling him out the door. This time he let her. "Why isn't he in jail?"

"He's supposedly dead. At least that's what I thought until last night when I read your story, Sam's story." They made their way down the hall, to the elevator and out the door. Ruby had parked at the curb outside of the complex. They got in her car, a big blue SUV.

"What changed your mind?"

"The man in the story had a burn scar. I knew about it from the photos taken at the scene. One shot had him in the background. He wasn't facing the camera. The back of his neck was burned. Not his hands, not his arms, his neck. Something fell on him in the house, I thought." She whipped the car around a turn, Cas still didn't know where they were going.

"Were you wrong?" He held the seat with clenched fingers as she slid into another turn.

"Yes, Dean caught it." She scooped up the phone and tossed it to Cas. "Call the police. Tell them that there's an intruder at the corner warehouse located at 53rd and Stockton. Describe Alastair just like you did in the story. Be vague about everything else. We don't have time to walk them through the doubt phase."

Cas did as he was told. They were miles from the location that he was describing. The officer started asking him for more information. Ruby, apparently, could tell, because she reached over and took the phone from him and turned it off. "Thanks. I didn't know what to do."

"And you edit mysteries. I'd think you'd pick up a few tricks."

"None, just a healthy dose of fear." He drummed at the seat at his sides as they raced along. "So how did Dean figure him out?"

"He looked at the pictures of the bodies at the scene. I couldn't. They were horrible. The wife was still holding the half burned two by four in her hands. It has been part of a remodeling project that Alastair had staged to better explain the wiring fire. Dean surmised that she had tried to get out. She must have attacked him, hit him on the back of his head where the burn was. Dean had a forensics guy look at the beam and sure enough, he found traces of Al's blood there."

Cas let out a breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. "Dean's a fucking genius."

"That's what Sam and I have been saying for years. When Dean turned over the evidence it all should have been over. Then there was another fire, and supposedly big Al was in it. It never sat well with Dean though. Even Sam questioned it. I let it go, but the two of them would talk about it. It was like their own Hardy Boys' Mystery."

"Turns out they were right. Where are we going?" The long row of warehouses loomed high and all around them as they drove slower now down the street.

"This was where the fire was, where he died." They pulled up to the side of the place. It was dark. Dean's car was there though. "I knew it."

"Why would Al come back here though?"

"I don't know that he would, but Dean and Sam talked about this place often enough. I knew that Dean would think that this was the place to check. He and Sam thought that Al had managed to keep this place, just under a different name."

She got out of the car and started walking toward the side door. Cas grabbed her arm. "What the Hell are you thinking?"

"I'm going in. Dean's in there." She looked at him like she thought that he was incredibly stupid.

"I think that we should wait for the police. They'll get here soon, with guns. We don't have guns."  _He was using logic. Why couldn't she accept this plan?_ She was still moving toward the door.

"And what if he hurts Dean while we wait. God only knows how long he has already been in there with him."

"Maybe you all were wrong."

"Is that what Sam is telling you, that we are wrong?" She leveled her gaze at Cas then and leaned into him as she spoke. "That's my family in there, and I've lost enough of them now for a lifetime. So, you can either man up and go in with me, or you can sit in the car." She turned and grabbed the door. Cas followed her.

The warehouse was dark inside. They snaked their way around the side wall, listening as they went. There was a light at the other end of the place, past the tall rows of shipping containers. There was nothing moving in the space though, no sounds either. They made their way toward the light. Cas leaned into Ruby's ear. "What do we do if we find him?"

"I don't know." They got to the end of the row and looked up at the metal stairway leading up to the office, the light. The blinds were drawn. "I'll go up first. You stay down here. Follow when it seems safe."

He grabbed her arm again. "No, I'll go. You wait." She looked like she wanted to fight him on this. "Dean's my family now too." She nodded and he moved up the stairs. He wouldn't be able to see in the window since it was too far above the stairs. If one were to look out of it, one would likely see all of the rows of shipping containers below. He stayed close to the wall and climbed up the last few steps. He felt the cold surround him. "Really, Sam? Now you show up?" He whispered out to the air around him. He did not stop moving and Sam did not take over. The door to the room had a window in it. He leaned up on his toes and looked through it. Dean was in there, laid out on the floor, face down.

He waited a moment before twisting the handle and slowly pulling open the door. He moved into the room and right to Dean's side. "Who are you?" The voice came from the far corner. There was a gun. Cas stood back up again.

"It doesn't matter who I am." His eyes narrowed in on the gun. He took a step toward the man. "You're Al, and you're not dead."

"You're right. I'm not dead."

"Yet." Cas took another step toward him.

"Stop moving. Why are you here?" He moved out to the window and lifted the blinds a little to see out. Ruby must have hidden herself, because he turned away from it, back to Cas.

"I came to find Dean. I don't want any trouble. Just let me take Dean and we'll be out of your hair." He felt his body grow colder.  _Sam, not now._  There was table between them, a stack of office papers were piled up at the corner. A gust of air kicked up around the desk and the papers blew everywhere. Al pulled the trigger. Cas had already moved from where he had been. He dove toward Al, slamming him back against the wall. The gun clattered to the ground. They wrestled like that for a time. He was outmatched. He had strength in his legs but not much. He could feel himself losing. He could feel Sam there too.

"Who the Hell are you?" Al asked again as he slammed Cas back onto the desk.

The cold was strong now, driving into his bones. He threw himself off of the desk and back at Al as he was reaching for his gun. Al slammed back against the wall. He threw punches at him now. Al's lip cracked open with the first hit. "I'm Sam Winchester, you son of a bitch." He slammed his fist into his stomach now, and Al doubled over. He slammed an uppercut into his jaw, and Al was knocked back to the other wall.

He spit out a mouthful of blood while he was held in place against the wall. His eyes locked on him. "Impossible. He's dead."

"You're right. He is." He launched a volley of hits to his torso, crushing into his rib cage. Al slumped to the right, but did not hit the ground. He staggered.

"He's dead. Meant for it to be the bitch, but got her boy instead." He grinned past bloody teeth. His fist landed hard on his cheek. Al reeled back again. He sneered and curled his hand into a fist and launched back. The cold retreated, and Cas felt the fist slam him back into the desk. He moved as fast as he could, sliding off the side, toward Dean. Al loomed over him. He reached down and pulled him up to his face.

"I don't want to have to kill you," Cas said.

Al laughed, "I think that you are confused. You see, I'm beating the shit out of you." Cas kept scrambling back with each new wave of violence that Al unleashed on him. Al was a focused fighter. He seemed to only see his target. His arms stretched back, muscles went taut, then the release. Cas saw it all like it was in slow motion. He moved a little with each punch, but it was getting harder. He was hurting now. He felt his head come into contact with the far wall, arresting his progress. Al dropped to his knees, straddling him. "Who the fuck are you?" Each word was punctuated with a punch.

The cold washed over him again. He gritted his teeth and leaned up from the floor, staring steadily at his face. "I'm Sam Fucking Winchester, and you're dead." The sound of the gun cocking behind him made Al turn. His mouth split into a grin as he looked at Ruby, standing there with his gun aimed at him.

"Well, isn't this just great." He narrowed his eyes at her. "You don't have it in you."

"Maybe I do." She moved her other hand up to steady the gun.

The sound of sirens could be heard racing up to the warehouse. "Looks like the police are here." He smirked. "Guess this makes you some kind of hero." He started to move back into a standing position.

"Don't move," Ruby's words were grit and gristle.

"Or what? It's over. They'll arrest me. I'll do some time, maybe a lot of time, but it's nothing." He stood up fully. Cas' body was laid out beneath him. He stayed still. Ruby looked down at him then back at Al. They could hear the officers down below calling out into the seemingly empty warehouse. "You should have let it go. Your Sam would still be alive if you had both just let it go."

He moved toward her a little more. "Stop moving."

"You can't do a damn thing to me anymore." He grinned at her, and said, "Who do you think you are? You're nothing."

Her eyes narrowed. "No, I'm awesome, and you're dead." She pulled the trigger. The first shot hit him in the chest, a little to the left of his heart. He fell back and Ruby stood over him and took careful aim. "You wanna know who I am? I'm Ruby Fucking Winchester." She shot him again, this time hitting him in the heart. His eyes rolled back in his head. The police stormed into the office, and the rest was movement, noise, and chaos.


	17. Chapter 17

He and Ruby sat on the curb, waiting for the police business to conclude. They had taken Dean to the hospital. He had been knocked unconscious. The gash in his head ran deep. Head wounds were a bloody mess, so he would likely get stitches. Had they not arrived when they had, Dean, likely would have been shot as well. Cas was doing his best not to panic. The ambulance had left long ago and Dean was getting the best possible care. He kept telling himself that. He looked at Ruby at his side. She was staring at her hands, which were shaking in her lap. He edged over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "You okay?"

"Will be. Worried about Dean." Her voice shook too.

"Me too." He leaned his head into her shoulder. "Could I ask you something?"

"Yeah, anything to keep me from dwelling on the last hour would be welcome."

Cas sat up then and considered framing a different question, but his mind was not working at top speed, so he went with the question that had already formed. "You told him that you're Ruby Winchester?"

"No." She faced him now and added, "I said that I'm Ruby Fucking Winchester."

"Yeah, you did."

She breathed in a deep lungful of cool air and said, "Thing is that we were married. We eloped a few months before, so I was and am Ruby Winchester."

"Ruby Fucking Winchester," Cas added with a smile.

"Yeah, that's me."

"Why did you elope? Seemed like you were both very happy with the idea of a big family wedding."

Ruby looked off at the police vehicles and the movement. The lights from the tops of the patrol cars still flashed red and blue on the world. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. Ruby said, "I tried to save 'em." A tear escaped and then another. Cas watched her, and processed the words in light of all that had been said, all that had happened. "There was going to be a boy and a girl, Megan and Adam. We hadn't planned for it. We were already engaged at the time. When we knew about them though, Sam said that he wanted to get married right away. I told him that it was rather old fashioned of him. He said that if he was old fashioned we'd have gotten married some time ago. We took a short trip to the county courthouse and I became Ruby Winchester."

Cas pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it. He lowered it back down and said, "I'm so sorry."

"They say that it was the shock of it all. I watched the building burn, and I couldn't do a thing to fix it. I apparently couldn't even save his babies. I lost all of him that night. I fought to keep them until 3:00 am, but I still lost everything." Cas pulled her back in and rocked her in his arms. There was nothing to say. There was no way to make something like this right with mere words.

In time, when all was shared and talked into the earth, Ruby and Cas were released. There would be more that would need to be shared, more reports to be written, and more of the past to revisit. Ruby had contacted John and Mary. They had been through so much already, and Cas felt a stab of pain at the thought that they were once again being summoned to a hospital for one of their children.

Ruby drove them to the hospital as the sun was rising. Even that had taken some effort. They had been driven to the police station in a cruiser, and an officer had to drive them back to their car at the end. Dean's car was left behind, but plans were made to return for it later.

Cas took Ruby's hand as they made their way through the hospital. They figured out where Dean's room was located after some waiting at the main desk. He wasn't in the ICU, which was promising. They saw John first when they rounded the corner. "You're here." He pushed himself away from the wall that he had been leaning against and came to them immediately. He pulled them both into a hug at the same time. "Dean told me what had happened, but only up to a point. An officer came here to take a statement. He filled in some of the gaps with details from after." John released them, but he brought his hand up to Ruby's cheek. "Are you okay?" His tone carried a tenderness.

Ruby crumbled a little and he caught her up and held her. "She was amazing," Cas said as John rubbed a soothing circle into her back and held her to his chest.

She sobbed a bit into him and Cas could see her shoulders shaking. John said to Cas, "Why don't you go on in and see Dean. I'll take care of Ruby."

Cas nodded and moved past them into the room. Mary was sitting at his side, holding Dean's hand in both of hers. Dean turned to Cas. "Hey, Cas."

Cas moved immediately to Dean's other side. "God you're an idiot. Never do that again." It was not what he had planned to say, but he was a mess, and he was operating on a long night of no sleep.

"I am, and I won't." Dean looked at him steadily and then reached out a hand to him. "I'm sorry, Cas."

He took Dean's hand, pulled it up to his chest, and just held it there. Mary had been very quietly watching. "Is Ruby okay?" She asked.

Cas looked at her, not letting go of Dean's hand, and said, "She will be. John is with her. I think that she is still in shock a little. It might be best if she went home with you both for a bit."

"Of course." She got up and settled Dean's hand on the mattress as she did so. "I'm going to go out there for a moment and just check on her myself, give you both a moment too." Her smile was small as she eased around the bed and out of the room.

"You scared me. I thought that he had killed you. Thankfully the EMT felt the need to tell us that you were going to be okay. I was…" Dean squeezed his hand.

"I'm sorry." Dean pulled him closer then, and Cas sat on the bed.

"Are you okay?" Cas let his hand go to reach out and cup Dean's cheek. His thumb brushed back and forth in a slow arc as he stared down at him.

"I am. I have a thick skull." Dean smiled and asked, "Are you okay?"

"I am. There is much that we need to discuss when you get home." He leaned in close and pressed his lips to Dean's forehead. "When will you get to go home?"

"In a few hours. I've got a concussion, so they want to monitor it just a bit more. Mom's angling for me to come home with them."

"I can watch over you." Cas leaned in again and rested his head against Dean's.

"I told mom that. I told her that if I didn't go home, that you would likely follow me to their place." Cas kissed him again and then moved back just a little to look at him.

"Did you tell her about us?" Dean's face turned a little. He was looking past Cas now.

Cas turned in the same direction and saw Dean's family hovering in the doorway, looking at them. Dean said, "I hadn't, but it looks like maybe I don't need to." Cas moved back a little. Dean waved his family in and said, "So, uh, Cas and I…"

Mary came over to Cas and gave him a little side hug while she looked at Dean. "We already knew."

John hovered at the end of the bed. "Well now, speak for yourself. I was completely not buying it until Ruby got involved. Not to mention your parents may have said some things." He drummed at the end of the bed and mostly looked at Dean.

"Shoulda known that Ruby would say something." Dean nodded at her as he said it. She winked back at him. It was a temporary break from the tensions that they had all been feeling before.

"So, can I even convince you to come home with us?" Mary said. "Cas too," she added.

"No, I'll be fine. Cas said he'd watch over me. I just want to be in my own bed again." Mary came to him and kissed him on the top of his head. John reached over and squeezed his foot.

Cas looked to John and said, "So you don't mind if I am seeing your son?"

"I find you tolerable." John smiled at him though and that was enough. Ruby gave John a hug then.

"See, told you they would be fine with us." Dean looked at Cas, pleased.

"So, I still don't know what happened to you. How did you end up at the warehouse?" Cas took Dean's hand again.

"I finished the story that you gave to me, and I knew that he was at that warehouse. It was crazy. I just got really cold and it was like something in me was just certain. So, I left the apartment. I had to know if he was there. I didn't know that he had actually followed me from somewhere else."

"How do you know that he followed you?" Cas asked.

"The police said that the place had surveillance and that he followed me in. At least that's what the cameras showed." Dean squeezed his hand and asked, "Was he the guy that you saw at the apartment earlier?"

"Yes, I am nearly certain." Cas remembered the pale skin inches from his face, and the hoodie that he was still wearing as they fought at the warehouse.

"Then I guess that he followed me from the apartment. He must have thought that it was strange that I would go to the warehouse. He probably didn't shoot me outright because it was so odd. The weirdness of it is likely what saved me."

Cas thought about what Dean had said about the cold. He believed that Sam had somehow managed to communicate with him. Cas was also fairly certain that Sam was not going to be able to do this for much longer. He had felt it the last couple of times that he had written and dreamed, a type of urgency that seemed to press in on him. Time was being stripped away from Sam. Soon there would be none left. He thought that maybe there might be enough time for one more dream, one more small stolen moment for those that loved him.

The doctor came in and gave Dean the all clear. Everyone made their way out to Ruby's car. She drove Cas and Dean back to the apartment. John and Mary followed just to make sure that they got home okay. It was late now. The world was quiet as they walked up the steps to the complex.

They all wandered down the hall to Dean's place. Cas had his arm around Dean at the waist. He was starting to feel his own injuries now that the adrenaline rush from earlier had dissipated. Dean fished out his keys and opened the door to the apartment. They all went in, John settled in on one of the recliners, and Mary went into the bathroom for water and aspirin. She handed the first cup to Cas. "Here, you look like you really need this."

"Thank you. Is it that bad looking?" He hadn't peered into a mirror yet, so he didn't know just what she was seeing.

"There's just a lot of bruising. I think that you will be sore if you aren't already." She looked sad as she stepped away from him to retrieve more medicine and water for Dean. He gulped his down with a thanks and handed the cup back when he finished. Mary settled in on one of the recliners, and Ruby rummaged through the fridge.

"Make yourself at home, Ruby." She shot Dean a look and then they both laughed.

"You know that we are all gonna stay the night right?" Ruby said.

"Oh," Dean responded. "Well, no I actually wasn't thinking." Then he smirked, "Head injury ya know." He tapped the side of his head and then seemed to regret it.

"Just get us a pile of blankets, Dean. We'll figure the rest out." They were all exhausted. The toll of the evening was written in the lines and heavy lids seen in each face. Dean went into the hall closet and pulled out some blankets. He set them on the table.

"Gonna change for bed, be right back to say goodnight." Dean wandered back into his bedroom and Cas followed, pushing the door closed behind him.

"Here, let me help you," Cas said when he saw Dean struggling with the removal of his shirt.

He got Dean into comfortable clothes, and then he pulled off his own shirt. He looked down at himself, and saw that he was covered in a patchwork of purples and blues. Dean's fingers found his side and grazed over the tender skin. "Oh, Cas," Dean whispered.

"It's nothing." He walked over to Dean's drawers and pulled out fresh clothes for himself. "You don't mind do you?" He held up Dean's clothes for him to see.

"Wear whatever you want." Cas found the clothes a little large, but he thought that this might be a good thing in light of the bruising.

They went back out to the living room and saw that John was already starting to nod off. Then it happened. Cas felt the familiar cold, the chill that bit into the marrow of him. He shook and the lights in the room dimmed with an eerie hum. John woke up and sat up straighter. Mary leaned forward. "What's happening?" She asked.

Dean reached out to Cas and rested his hand on his arm. "Cas?"

Cas turned to him and said, "He says that he wants to say goodbye, but he doesn't have much time." Cas glanced over at the clock on the stove. It was 3:00 am. Cas tipped his head back and closed his eyes. "Yes."

And when he opened his eyes again, they were a deeper shade of blue, more like light that had been trapped from a storm. He looked out at each of them. The glow from his eyes extended out, so that it was not just in his eyes. It was now covering all of him. He turned to Mary and said, "Mom." And then, "Dad." They stood and moved toward him. The light around him grew more intense, the electric energy of it pulling them all closer while also tickling something in each of them that might have been fear.

Mary reached out to his face. "Sam?" There could be no explanation for how she knew that it was him, except that she was his mother, and somehow, mother's always know their own. She gulped back a sob and pulled him in. John moved in to hug him as well, and had his arms around him and Mary both.

"I love you," he said to them both. "I need you to know that. I love you, and I get to take that with me, that feeling, that bright piece of happiness that comes from loving someone and being loved by them in return. You gave me so much, and I get to keep that, forever." He turned to Dean then. "I didn't say it often enough, but you are the best brother a guy could ever ask for. I love you, Dean." He hugged Dean then, and the light glowed strong around them both.

Dean shook in his arms and held him tight to his chest. He seemed like he would never let him go. His words were muffled in his collar, but after he had said it a few times, it became clear that Dean was saying, "Stay, stay, stay." He seemed to know that it would be a losing battle. He let him go a few moments later.

He turned to Ruby then and said, "Saved you for last."

"Yeah." She stepped up to him and settled her hands on his cheeks, angling his face down to hers. "Ever and always."

"Ever and always, Ruby." He kissed her, gently smoothing his thumbs over her neck into her hair. "It's beautiful, Ruby. You know why?"

"No, Sam. Tell me."

"You're already there with me. You're already calling me there like I need to come home and you've been waiting. You lived a long life. You're still just as beautiful, and they are too." He stepped back and she curled her fingers into his shirt. "Ever and always."

"No, I'm not ready yet," she begged. "Please, Sam. Please. Don't go."

"There is never enough time. We have so many moments, but never enough time. Cherish it, every second of it. Live it as wildly and as fully as you can, because I will want to hear about all of it. I love you. I love you so much. And I'll just wait there for you, until we have time again. And we will." He pressed his head to hers again.

"We will?" It was a quiet question.

He said, "Of course we will. We have an appointment. We will have time again." His lips curled up into a grin as he stared at her one last time, and then he turned to the others. The light grew brighter and brighter. It became so bright that they each had to shield their eyes from it. His arms stretched out at his sides as the light poured from him. The cold moved from him and up high above them, slowly passing from the room. They stood there watching the spot that had swallowed the light, and they breathed together, counting the seconds that ticked by toward eternity.


	18. Epilogue

The courtyard was glowing under the mixed colors of bright paper lanterns strung overhead. Cas had worked with Pam to get certain things in place. He had made sure that Ash was available for the performance. He had put in a special request for "Earth Angel." Dean had been acting weird for the past week, and Cas hoped that it wasn't a sign. He wanted to have everything just work.

Timing was everything. He had spent the past year in a state of happiness that he had never thought would be possible for him or anyone that got close to him. He and Dean had grown closer, and had even decided that renting two apartments made zero sense. So, Cas had moved his items over to Dean's. They kept his couch and dining room furniture. They kept one of Dean's recliners and sold the other. They chose Cas' bed over Dean's. They found a shelf for "Cat that Waves." Dean built a little table for the record player. It had a place for the records to be stored underneath it.

It had been a good year for both of them. Dean worked a standard shift, four days on, three days off. Cas would trek out to his parent's place when Dean worked in order to utilize the office. He also got to be a presence in his parent's lives. He knew that it made them happy, and in the end that truly mattered.

He had learned that the moments mattered, and that you never get enough time. He sometimes felt like he had an excess of time, but he never took it for granted. He had Sam to thank for that and Dean too. It was almost seven. He made his way down to the courtyard.

He had gotten dressed up a little. His shirt was a grey button up over black slacks. He threw on a long black overcoat. He hummed a little of "Earth Angel" as he made his way down the hall and to the elevator. He could hear the party that was already started as he made his way out the hall door and into the courtyard. Ash was pumping his fist up in the air and singing something unfamiliar and harsh. Cas smiled and sent him a little wave that turned into his own little fist pump into the air.

Charlie was already occupying a space by the drinks. She was talking to Chuck and Becky. Ruby was talking with Missouri. Cas had introduced them some months ago, and somehow they had found that they had enough common interests to forge a friendship. He wandered over to them. "John and Mary here yet?"

"No, but I talked to them earlier and they said that they'd be here." Ruby reassured him with a pat to the shoulder. "You getting nervous?"

"What me? Never." He wiped his hands down the sides of his slacks.

Missouri asked, "You think it might not go well?"

"No. I just don't want to mess up." Cas kept sending glances back at the door. He pushed a hand into his pocket and kept it there.

"Boo!" Charlie squeezed his shoulders as she said it in order to scare him. Cas jumped. "Gotcha."

"Like I needed that." He pulled her into a hug though. His parents had strolled over and stood off to the side with grins. Ash changed the music abruptly, which had been their cue that Dean had arrived. Cas turned back to the door and saw that Dean had not arrived alone; he had arrived with his mom and dad behind him. What was more surprising though was how he was dressed. He did not look like he had just come from work. He had on a full suit, complete with a tie. He looked like a fed. Cas grinned at him. He didn't often get to see him like this. It was certainly a look that he needed to see more of.

Dean walked right up to him across the courtyard. His approach was heavy with purpose. Cas sucked in a breath and held it. He could feel his heartbeat pounding away a reminder that he was so alive, so gloriously, happily alive. Dean got within a foot of him and stopped. "Hey, Cas."

"Hey, Dean." He let his eyes sweep over him. "You sure got dressed up. You look great."

"You do know that it is our anniversary don't you?" He smirked. Ash seemed to be lowering the volume on the music so that it was just background noise.

"I may have gotten the memo." He reached out to Dean and took his hand in his.

Dean swallowed and seemed to falter a little as he was about to speak. "I have something that I want to tell you."

"Oh, me too. I mean, I have something to tell you too." Cas was still holding Dean's hand, but he had one hand free that he pushed into his pocket.

Dean took a deep breath and looked steadily into his eyes. "I hope this is okay, Cas." He pulled out a box from his jacket pocket. He held it in front of him, and said, "Cas, I've never told anyone else that I loved them. I mean, I love my family and such, but I have never said it to someone that wasn't already my family. And I want you to know what it means when I say it to you. It means that I want to spend every moment with you. It means that I want to grow old with you. It means that I want all of the time that I have left to be spent in the best company I know, yours. I also want you to know that when I say I love you, I'm really saying that you are family. You are mine as much as I am yours, and I never ever need anything more than that." He took another breath and opened the box. In it was a silver band that had a woven pattern to it. He held it up to Cas and added, "I love you, Cas. Will you marry me?"

Cas stood there trying to remember to breathe. Dean was not exactly one to share his feelings publicly, and this was not what he had expected. Before he could answer outright, he pulled his hand out of his pocket. He had a band of simple silver too. He held it up to Dean. Cas grinned. "Like I said, I have a few things to tell you too." Dean looked a little shocked. "You mean the world to me. You have literally saved me, Dean Winchester. I was a lonely fool that spent a lifetime pushing away everyone that loved me. When I met you, I wanted to stop doing that. I never wanted something so bad before. I wanted to live. I wanted to dance. I wanted to take long walks, and fantasize about what it would be like to hold your hand. I don't think that I have ever met someone more beautiful or more awe inspiring than you. I fell for you so fast. You were everything that had been missing in my life. You are my future, and my dreams. I love you, Dean Winchester, and I will marry you. Will you marry me?" They both still held the rings out to each other, but they just stared for a bit.

Dean's dad said, "Well, you gonna say yes?" He gave Dean a little push.

Becky pushed Cas a little, "Well, Cas?"

They both smiled at each other and said, "Yes." They each took turns putting the rings on each other's fingers. The crowd around them cheered. Even Michael and Lucy seemed happy off to the side. They had just gotten back from a couple's retreat. Cas had heard that there had been a sweat lodge and a lot of time spent in close quarters working out their issues.

Dean pulled Cas close, and Ash started playing "Earth Angel." Dean gave him a thumbs up over the crowd. "I really do love you." He leaned into a kiss as Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist.

"I really love you too." And the crowds moved off a little and some danced. The two of them swayed together in the courtyard, under the night sky. The moonlight and lanterns sent down little bits of light that danced off of their rings. They felt the world fall away from them for a spell, and all that existed was time, and the warm promise of so many days, and years to come.

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for any kudos you feel like leaving and any kind words. You can also find me on Tumblr under the name [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/) Thanks for reading my first DCBB.


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